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This category is for confessing to things that are just plain 'ol "funny as fuck." If it won't make us piss ourselves with laughter, it simply doesn't belong here. Knock yourself out you funny shit..

- Funny As Fuck -
Straight Male / 31

Learned Her Lesson

My ex wife fell on some hard times so I allowed her to crash with me for the past few months. There was tension because she had no desire to find a job and get back on her feet. I found out that during the daytime while I am at work she walks a few blocks away and hangs out at a run down apartment complex getting high.

Last Friday after I got home we had a fight about it. Even though we are not "together" she tried to humiliate me by saying she gets high and fucks the black guy (dealer) because he has a really big dick. Finally she stormed out. I didn't care.

Anyway Sunday night around midnight I heard the door, then the bathroom door shut. I opened the bathroom door to find her naked and getting in the shower. She was covered in bruises and red marks. Her tits and ass were black and blue. Her wrists, ankles, thighs were not as bad, but her tits looked like someone tried to tear them off. She didn't say a word, just put her head down and got in the shower. I went back to bed.

I didn't ask and she has not volunteered any information on what happened. She has been quiet and hasn't gone out in days.

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# 83060 - by Joe / October 27, 2026
    • - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Female / 24

    We Still Laugh About It...

    When I was 14 my older sister was cool. When the parents were away she would let me bring my boyfriend over for sex. We had one specific sex act we did often. My boyfriend had a really big dick and I learned to deepthroat. He loved it! I would lay on my back and hang my head over the side of the bed. He would pin my arms down and fuck my throat. One time he got carried away and held it in my throat too long. I couldn't breath. I blacked out and went limp. He freaked out, ran out in the hallway buck naked and yelled for my sister. She ran in as I was coming around. I was laying there , face covered in slobber, boyfriend standing there with an 8 inch boner and my sister trying to figure out what happened. Its or private joke and we still laugh about it.

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    # 83016 - by Sammy / October 20, 2026
    - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Male / 29

    Office Blast

    I work in a medical field that is mostly women. My first job was working nights at a hospital. Single very attractive I am told I never had problems dating. I am definitely not the married type I know this my father was the same. Loved women loved variety. I’m definitely in shape found the gym at an early age and loved the rush I had been working night a few weeks and had already been with a handful of women there. Yes some married some engaged some single. Funny how I’d have sex with them in their cars empty rooms offices and they would simply pull there scrubs and panties up and walk off as if nothing happened back to work. Worked there for almost 3 years and have tons of stories. From all of them the one I had the most fun with was this short blonde transplant from Austin. Ashley had this twang in her voice blue eyes shoulder length hair double Ds slim waist and some hips man those hips. She moved west with her fiance followed him for work and settled at the same hospital with me. Started a few months after me. I was never the aggressor she just liked to flirt. You know your in good when the woman comes to you and you have to do nothing but flirt back. This was the case she lied to flirt as did I. One thing led to another and we ended up in my truck during break and came back a couple of hours late. Easy to to especially at night. She liked working nights so I stayed nights purposely for her. Probably the only women who I really enjoy seeing and being with. One night we ended up in an old office that was empty on a different floor. She had raised her top and had it around her neck as I tit fucked her. She liked to have her tits fucked as did I. She told me to finish in her mouth but I was really enjoying the feeling of her tits when I blasted mid thrust and boy did it feel good thick stream shot across her face hair shirt neck only after I blasted that I put the tip on her mouth. She was mad but not mad enough to refuse my dick in her mouth. That feeling and how sensitive your dick head is right after you blast. She would take the tip and literally tongue the tip. She did that again for me. Even being mad she forced my pee hole open with her tongue. Cleaned up best she could and we went back. She ended up marrying the guy I was at her wedding with most of the staff in our department. Thinking it was over she got back from the honey moon and picked up where we left off. I have known her a few years now still married with 2 kids. A set of twin boys good looking kids. My dad was a twin so it runs in our family. We have talked and she is certain they are mine. She knows I am unable to be married we try and try to break it off but we always end up in bed. They are trying for a girl she’s afraid to end up with another set of twins.

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    # 82984 - by Tony / October 3, 2025
    • - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Male / 24

    Thursday Night Football

    I have been seeing this older lady who lives down the street. Yes she’s married no kids yet. Not sure what her and her husband have going on but they argue constantly and of course since we have been booking up it’s gotten worse. I have friends over for Thursday night so she is usually gone by the time the game starts. I get home from work around 3 so we have a couple of hours to go at it. Stacy is a good looking blond pale skin nice ass big rack big hair type. Her attitude is blah but she can fuck and she looks great naked. She is definitely not the kind you marry but sure is the kind you keep around for fun. A few Thursdays ago I asked her to stay for the game. Typically when she comes over she dresses very provocative for me. This day was no different she was in a tight shirt no bra and a skirt that is supposed to be worn with shorts underneath or leggings. She had only worn a g string so she paraded for me with that thin piece of material splitting her meaty pussy lips. Meaty to say the least Stacy has wings that you can stretch out pussy always feels good and has received anal more and more as she hangs out. We had started to mess around in the living room so by the time we got back into my room she was just in her g string. Her skirt and shirt where left there. My 2 friends showed up and as always let them self in and sat down. While snapping a few pics and videos I sent a pic of Stacy on all 4s taking it up the rear to my buddy and said will be here for a bit help yourself to a beer. An hour later Stacy came out in her g string and grabbed her skirt and shirt said hello and came back to my room. 30 minutes later I blasted her face cum covered it and sent her back out had her ask if they wanted some. She had cum on her chin both declined and she came back in. I told her to joke around with them and she did. First time she had a good laugh and saw an attitude change. Haven’t shared her but we have talked about it maybe one of these Thursdays I told her we can try that DP we always watch. Nervously she tells me she would try it. Il update when it happens if it happens not sure I’m into that but I guess if I’m going to let it happen might as well be with someone I’m not attached to

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    # 82959 - by Bart / October 2, 2025
    - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Male / 37

    She Dealt With It

    When I was 17 I worked for my dad in his shop during the summer break or anytime really that I had multiple days off from school. I was in shipping helping out Melanie or Mel my dad’s shipping clerk. Very nice quiet Mexican lady in her late 20s. I had met her bf or husband and kid at the family picnic the previous year. Mel had no tits flat as a board with nipples. But she was cut and most of her weight was around her thighs and fat ass. She had a nice ass and she showed it off so we thought. We by the guys in the yard. There was a total of four of them but during the day most were gone on runs and Mel and I pulled orders with the lifts. There was a good amount of down time so we would clean up and keep busy. My dad would always come out and see me , making Mel a little nervous. He never said anything bad just was checking on his son type. Mel was always in these shorts like running shorts it was hot so T shirt and shorts were ok. What we were pulling was always on a lift so no real manual labor. When Mel bent over in front of me her whole ass cheek would pretty much pop out and I could see it all. The shorts where loose but kind of short. Remember she has nice thick thighs and a larger then usually ass and hips. I always chatted her up and my dad had came out to talk to me. Mel as usual jumped and got busy working as I spoke with my dad I had a clear view of her back side and was amazed how good it looked. My dad walked off and i stood there and took a few pictures with my phone. No one was around so I went up behind her and gently with my pointer finger poked her in puckered ass. Shorts where loose she stood up didn’t say anything just moved on. Ok she didn’t get mad. Next time i had a chance which was not long after the first time I did it again this time I picked her other hole and bam it slid in. She was moving some packages bent over at the waist by the large table where we packaged small items and my finger is down to the knuckle. A gasp and finally she spoke. Please don’t but doesn’t it feel good ? I asked all the while moving my finger around and sliding in and out. Whimpering and a few moans and growns. Mostly whimpers she tried at first to wiggle free but all she was really doing was wiggling and grinding her clit on my knuckles. She figured that out when she let out a rather large OH once I heard that I went to town on her. She got used to it let me finger fuck her there. All I heard was her beautiful voice whimpering then tense up and her legs shook once that happened she relaxed and felt my thumb slide into her butt. When she relaxed I just kept going bringing her to another leg shaking O. It looked amazing to be honest when she shook her thick thighs and ass just moved like a wave. Her tiny waist and big ass I was hard as a rock. I told her that she was going to return the favor never said anything. Heard some noise form one of the guys pulling in to the yard and she stood off and walked off the the ladies room. When she came out I had my fingers in my mouth cleaning them up. Didn’t say anything just went on as nothing happened. Again later in the day I came up from behind and slid a finger in her. All she said was fuck I’m going to sleep good tonight minutes later let’s where shaking. We stayed a bit late and she returned the favor in her car before she left. I took me all of 5 minutes to blast thick streams down her throat. She laughed and said it took longer to clean up then for me to cum. I had been holding all day to unload. She always made sure she wore something that was easy to get on and off. Eventually from fingering thru the day to riding each other at lunch. When I returned to school we met once a week. I’m 37 Mel is 44 she wants that much older then me. It was shortly after my graduation that she ended up pregnant. She was 100 percent certain it was mine and the dna test confirmed it. Big blow up with her ex she was kicked out had no place to go so I let her stay with me. Once her ex found out he freaked out Called Mel I answered she had no clue and all you could hear was her grunting very loud. That was it She never left and we had 2 more kids.

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    # 82714 - by Dame / September 24, 2025
    • - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Female / 46

    Can You Imagine Swallowing Over A Gallon Of Cum?

    I bet some of us have, I know I have for sure after reading about it. Average ejaculation volume is 1 teaspoon, 768 Teaspoons in a gallon, bet I did that in the first three years of our relationship and we have been together going on twenty two years married and I still give him plenty of BJ's swallowing every time. I lost a bet to him a few years ago, I thought for sure I was going to win, his prize for winning was a blow job anytime he wanted it for a months time. I kept count y'all, the man had me do it 85 times that month, I swallowed nearly a pint that month alone. It is gross to think about drinking a gallon of cum but one teaspoon at a time is fun!
    Sorry, probably not the sexist post you read today but that is where my mind was this morning.

    4
    # 82604 - by Shelly / September 20, 2025
    - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Female / 28

    That Feminine Smell

    So this is totally ridiculous, but true. My ex boyfriend once told me he could sometimes smell my pussy….not period pussy smell, but clean healthy fresh pussy smell, and that when it happened it drove him absolutely wild. I figured out it was usually if I had run or worked out but not yet showered (and I otherwise normally showered pretty much daily).

    Fast forward and he and I broke up and I’ve been in a rut date-wise. So I decided what the hell. When I’d go out to a bar alone (not with girlfriends) I would make a point beforehand of taking a good long run and then showering but not cleaning in or around my pussy at all. I swear to you I would receive 3 times the attention from men (and occasionally women…lol). Guys would actually walk past, catch a whiff of my little slice of heaven and turn right around and say hi. Their interest in the pursuit was greatly heightened to say the least. Honestly, I have not settled down with anyone yet. But damn am I having fun playing the field!!

    6
    # 82582 - by Kirsten / September 19, 2025
    - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Male / 28

    Had No Clue But I Was Honest

    I sat at the bar with friends after work when I felt a tap on my shoulder. This pudgy guy I had never seen before. As I got off the bar stool after saying sure I stood up and towered over this guy. I followed him to a booth where it was away from the bar and sat down across from him and asked him what’s up who are you. I want you to stay away from my wife I know you to have been screwing each other and started in I tried to say something but her said to let him finish and got a little louder. He slammed his hands on the table as he did that my dad’s friend and associate Paul came over to us the pudgy man saw him and looked up. Paul asked me if I my friend and I were ok. With a stern voice Paul said we don’t want any problems here then with a stern voice and stare he looked at the pudgy guy and said what’s your fucking problem. Every thing directed at pudgy man I looked up at Paul and told him all good he was just excited no problem with him here. Paul nodded walked away I asked pudgy man to keep it down. Pudgy man looked around and I said say what your going to say already. If you wanted a confrontation and a reaction from me your at the wrong fucking bar. People like you don’t belong in a place like this. Pudgy guy looked around and then continued his conversation. For the next 5 to 10 minutes he went on and on about his wife. I stopped him after I lost interest. I tell the guy what are you talking about. Who’s your wife he looked at me the same way he looked at Paul 15 minutes earlier. There was a load voice that drowned the bar. I looked up and it was my dad Big Gio. Im lil G even though I tower over my dad. Just a nick name I was given and stuck. I excuse myself still being cordial as I want to see what this guy is talking about. I walk over my dad as gives me full attention hugging me and picking me up. I walk back over and now pudgy guy had time to look around and let it sink in. He was not just at a bar he was at a certain type of bar that specialized in a certain type of cliental. Continue pudgy guy he looked around and says my wife please leave her alone. I was getting bored and asked her show me a pic of her. I don’t know who your talking about. Pulls out a picture oh Julie what didn’t you just tell me her name. I pull my phone out and say this one and it’s Julie standing in the very bar in a very revealing short skirt at the bar. I tell him she and her friends stopped in and have been regulars after a while. Stop in the afternoons after work. I show him a pic of a red head half naked on a bed. That’s Sarah she’s married with 2 kids swipe again there is his wife in the same position. Swipe through my phone a few more times and yes some girls he knows friends of his wife. Then he says that one there the big red head Ann she’s the one who told me who she as seeing. I said we don’t see each other i fuck these women but am not in any hurry to wed none of them. Big Ann mentioned me hub I go to her messages and show pudgy man a text thread and tell him start here and read. He read what he read was Ann saying how much she and I had a connection she want me for herself she’s not the one lying to you. The other women are married she’s single some pics tired of there husbands some of her naked her bad I naked. He hands the phone back and I tell him see confront your wife keep her out of here I don’t care. She never once mentioned you to be a matter of fact. Trust me women like her are for the streets. Take this as a life lesson and move on. What you do with her is your business. But i would never trust a woman that did that to me again. Both the port guy a drink and I got up and sais see you a round but not here right. Nodded and walked out. Julie reached out trying to give me some bull shit story how she loved me fuck that I said. I fucked Ann for a while she was good in bed but was up front that I wanted was to screw. She was ok with it and that’s where we are at.

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    # 82551 - by GioTG / September 18, 2025
    - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Male / 27

    Her Choice

    It was a random Wednesday night Summer a good looking attractive marketing rep who I worked with headed to drinks with us. After all we were celebrating landing a very large account. I’m fit athletic half African American half Puerto Rican. I look more black then anything else but Summer that evening was having a good time and flirting. I had accepted a job after internship here and was on my 2 nd year. While it was a good job I had also had interviewed at a couple of different companies and one in particular was very interested in me. That night was about celebrating so I focused on that for the time being. Summer kept close I didn’t mind she had an amazing body. It was getting late I saw Summer as I walked past her headed towards the door when she walked out with me. We chatted and one thing led to another and we quickly ended up in her suv. We fucked it was great a one time thing. Then the next day we saw each other briefly and at lunch she well had a protein shake lol. A one night stand turned into a 2 week fling and in the mean time I took the other position. I gave notice I had fucked Sumner good a few more times even letting me painfully fuck her ass a few times. I gave notice and was let go on the spot I knew this. Never said anything to Summer figured out fling was over and she reached out and said it was getting to be to much and her husband was snooping around asking questions. Questions about why she was working late her whereabouts and bruised around her thighs and legs and ass. I liked it rough and often smacked her ass to the point of leaving handprints. She enjoyed it as well and so bruised a little. I moved on leaving her and her husband to figure things out. It was a few weeks after when Summer came to be and said she was pregnant. I looked at Summer and congratulated her and her husband. She looked at me and said what if it’s yours. I told her to make it her husbands. She nodded yes and told her everything would be ok. Since she has taken the day off I took the afternoon off and headed to my apartment and gave her ass one more ride. Rough was good ass. bright red when she left I called her my 3 hole slut took some pictures and videos. Told her to stop by sometime if she needed to get fucked properly and sent her on her way. That was a few months ago I haven’t heard anything from her. She’s due shortly so I’m sure she will come around once the baby is born. I have always wanted to fuck a women who was lactating so this could be my chance. Il post once that happens.

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    # 82519 - by Trav / September 17, 2025
    • - Funny As Fuck -
    Straight Male / 54

    Talk Dirty To Me

    To begin with if you don't know who Billy Connolly is then go watch him on YouTube. He's a famous Scottish comedian and actor..of sorts.
    A few years ago i had a girlfriend who was a swinger and brought me into the scene.
    We attended a few events and some private parties, these were generally held at someones home and for a select few players, and we were at such a party one evening.
    The party usually starts with folks having a drink and a chat in a social manner. A getting to know you kinda thing before the adult side of things start.
    This party had eight couples, including my girlfriend and myself, in attendance. One couple were very upper middle class posh. The man was politely spoken and well mannered and his wife was a tall, blonde, slender figured, cut glass accent woman. The rest of us were a mox of working class and middle class. I was talking about the state of buses in our city and how the companies weredoing things so badly and passengers were this and that, i had gone into a sort of quite rant about it, and i suddenly noticed that everyone had stopped drinking and were staring at me. I apologised for the rant and that's when the Posh Lady smiled and said i wasn't the rant it was the way i sounded, "Billy Connolly" she said " He sounds just like Billy does" to which the rest of the group all agreed and found it to be quite funny.
    So time has passed and we're now having the adult fun with plenty of fornication going on between folks. The Posh Lady is having sex with very few guys and only one at time, the other ladies are entertaining a couple of guys at a time, she comes over to me and asks me to join her privately in a bedroom. I happily join her in the bedroom where we engage in some very passionate kissing, oral, 69 and then into some sex. We do a few postions before we end up in missionary. Her posh accent swearing at me to 'fuck her harder' or ' suck my nipples' is making me harder than ever and as i am pumping away at her she tells me to "Talk dirty to me in the Billy voice"
    WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK !!! Anyone who knows Billy Connolly knows that he never sounds sexy when doing a show, he could chapters from Shades of Grey and it won't sound sexy and somehow in the midst of a great fuck session i have to one talk like Billy, i DON'T DO IMPRESSIONS OF HIM, two somehow make it sound like dirty sexy talk and stil keep a hard on and fucking her
    So from somewhere within me i start swearing at her like i am doing a rant and i hear myself sounding like Billy saying 'Oh you dirty little fucking whore bastard c**t fucking dirty shagging knickless tramp of a back alley hooker' and such like that has her screaming 'YES YES YES' in my ear until i blow my load and she digs her high heels into my arse and her nails into my shoulders deep enough to leave marks for days.
    So after we clean up and return to the room i am in a state of shock. My girlfriend who has just finished being spitroasted by Mr Posh Manners and another chap asks what happened. So i whisper in her ears " She asked me to talk dirty to her in my Billy voice"....her jaw dropped and her eyes went wide.
    To this day that is the kinkiest sex i have ever had !

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    # 82242 - by BadWolf / September 8, 2025
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