This category is for confessing to things that are just plain 'ol "funny as fuck." If it won't make us piss ourselves with laughter, it simply doesn't belong here. Knock yourself out you funny shit..

The Worm That Turned

I played with myself while looking at his photos and watching porn for sound effects. I feel a bit strange doing this but hell, its better then doing a useless one night stand just for sex when it means nothing when I love him still. I won't deny any man if I like them I might be in the mood some time. I don't know the places to meet up just for sex. I have asked people around town and they won't tell me like its some coded secret. I could be lucky because they might all have hiv aids or worse and dying now. Which is not a nice thought and I don't want it. Last night I was told to move on by one of his jerk offs friends girlfriends and she is not a steady but I was told in no uncertain terms to move on so I have been thinking about my old fuck buddy I used to meet up with 2 years ago and the sex was great. We had a wild time and I did like him more then I admitted to anyone. I know the truth.

I woke this morning dreaming of grinding on his bulby cock its really like a leg its so big. so that got me thinking maybe I should call him and he was not answering his phone but I got a text from him an hour ago and he said he will call tonight for a catch up. So I got busy while in the heat of the moment and ran a quickie in my panties and played with a few dobs and bobs down there and around. all interestingly jargonistic and boringly nice really. I heard the guy and gal cuming and after the 4th time I exploded looking deep into his eyes the way he liked and he always called me his "oh my c**t, my bang-a-licsious !" as he jerked and rocked and moaned like he was in pain and his huge cock always used to make me laugh because it was like a worm like appearance and greezy looking by the time he came back to my office , greezy worm but bigger.

so yeh, LOL.

can't wait til tonight.

You Can Tell By The Way They Look At You

I met her at the gym where I work. She kept looking at me when I worked out. I went over to her and introduced myself and told her I saw her scoping me out. Her answer " excuse me, you look familiar". After putting 2 and 2 together we spent summer school together in the ninth grade.

Yes she is queer, dyke queer. So we started dating.

Worst Night Of My Life

When I was in College at the UTEP in El Paso a friend suggested we sneak across the border and go have fun. We went to this whore house he knew about. The girls were ugly, fat and ugly. I paid 40 dollars for this whore, she never even got undressed. Her pussy was used, I wore condom but the whole time it was disgusting. Her tits had been fixed but were pretty bad.

That is the memory of me losing my virginity to a whore in Ciudad Juarez.

Sexually Speaking, I Hate This Cruel World.

I am not going to sugar coat this confession. I am probably the most disgusting pathetic loser when it comes to sex. I have never had a sexual event in my life I can get sexcited about and tell everyone about and be proud. I am not confident at all. I am not pretty or rich, and I am not with smarts or have any particular qualities to me for a man to take to. I hate my body intensely. But having said all that I still fantazies sometimes about sex and I masturbate. I was no good at flirting and I am about the closet you would get to a female equalivilant of a male pre-ejeculating weak assed lacking confidence virgin guy but I am woman and I feel all those fears of nervousness and fear around attractive men. I have been around very attractive men and like a little puppy, I knew my place and didn't bark or bite or fetch or look to please anyone. I just sat with vacant eyes imagining wild lusty conceptions.

I feel god must have it in for me. If god punishes us, I think I am being punished for being lustful from the age of 5. How I wish I had been born pretty and rich to get any fuck in town or afar that I wanted.

I have huge tits and I am now only learning to find pleasure in feeling them. Is that lame or VoT?

I have had sex but it was rotten every time because it was forced or pushed and I don't do submission well.

I was horny young and I was getting and giving sexual favors to uncles and cousins and bros about but it was not anything hot. It was not glory or nice. It was like shove cock out and handjob it or lay there and be fucked you ugly fat bitch!

I wish I was a confident controlling woman but I think I would need status to be that way, with money and eminence in a job with power. I am dull in the head and my 22DD tits make up for the empty spaces in other places or small spaces in other places as it were.

I am small down there, as in, I am basically strinked back to virgin size pussy and its painful and frightening for me.

So, sure let me explain, I have been r**ed, I have been sexually tortured as a kid by men who would after their handjobs or r**es would give vacant stares at me as if nothing happened and I learnt to do this to lots of men without any sex , just with the thought of sex I would go blank and act aloof out of fear. Deep down I wanted to grab them and fuck their brains out but I was too proper and shy to do that. I had to play lap dog as I was programmed to. And it didn't work in the end. I didn't answer the voice.

I wish I could be normal. I beg god for forgiveness every time I fuck myself. But the pleasure is the only way to cope with stress. Now I am late 40s and my sexual confidence has gone long long ago. WIth all the weird men playing games on me over all these years of catch me if you can, do I make you feel jealous or horny you want to kill , games. or I want to kill you first then I will fuck your corpse ok! I wasn't asking!

yeh those games men play. Its fucked me around left me for a dog.

no one is less desirable then me, sadly!

My Father Had His Way Of Fixing Problems

My Dad did not like this boy from school. He started asking me out and he let me know that either I ended it or he would. This was back in time when home rotary dials ruled the day. We were all in the den watching TV when the phone rang. My father answered before any of us could get to the phone. "Yes she is here but she can't come to the phone", a pause while he stared at me, and then "I believe she is taking a shit".

It was over. I heard thru a friend of mine that the image of me on the throne ruined it for him.

  • Colleague Share Nude Wife Photos And Videos Online

    My colleague was on leave and had to search for some document in his office

    computer. So I just opened a word document and found nude photos of his wife

    pasted in it with detailed description of her breasts and pussy and from the

    language it was addressed to strangers to comment and sent cum tributes. I

    further searched of video files like mp4 3gp etc. and found a folder with many

    porn and nude photos of many girls. I copied all such material to my pen drive.

    Later I added some of my own homemade porn without depicting my or my wife's

    faces for him to enjoy and share with his online stranger friends.

    Walking The Straight And Narrow

    I served four and a half years incarceration for selling pot to a minor (an undercover cop). After my release I spent two months in a halfway house. I have an art degree but no real job skills, I was working as a waitress when I was incarcerated.

    A woman I met in jail offered to get me work, as a call girl in Denver. I have a man friend who offered me a job in his company in Durango as an entry level clerk for 11 an hour. As a call girl I can make two thousand a week, as a clerk I can make five hundred a week.

    Why am I working for 11 an hour?

    The Lickrish Quartet

    I see the cult erotic film from the 1970s and it was erotically interesting. But I am still trying to work out what its really referring to. Sexual desire and metaphor of gun shots for shooting cum. the floor of sex words from dictionary they roll around having the quickest boring sex on. The kid going back in his memories either the son or the fathers childhood or both. Because all this film does is recycle around a dialogue and sex film. and I guess we know where they get the porn stars from after all and its their night out and they take them back to the castle. It has potential to be a better film with more erotic metaphor and what it lacks is something better then just the repeat of the parents in the next generations film. It lacks expected kinky for this era and is not that kinky by today's standards. The female has sex with the dirty old blob and then takes up with his son. how weird who would do that? Is there porn films on this script? I bet there are. The son appears to get back at his brainless sex addicted porn watching parents by making spectacle of them. Now that could have gone further and much more revengeful then just a knife man and the son dressed up like the father again at the end is really disgusting. Are we really a slave to our genetic inheritance or shared environmental circumstances? One would hope not. If this is a cult sex film then its bad. Kinky sex should be better in the location of a castle. I mean where is the vampire even? Not enough erotic sex and not enough character mo nor is the audience really getting into characters head enough intimate. The main character should be the son and the old blob should pick up some chick off the street and why is he locking the wife in a dudgeon down stairs ? he should want to see her be fucked by a dozen men or at least some jail bird of sorts. The son needs to be the one we see the view point of more. Seriously what shit is this? The speed way? what does that have to do with sex? or porn? and it would be kinkier if the chick was a i****t affair like a cousin or half sister. This is about the beasts within us all or it should be but this film lacks any real beast and sex turn on cuz it took me ages and ages to climax to. That is kind of what its mocking that we can switch a button and go back any scene and just watch the dirty bits because if you blink you miss them.

    First Day On The Job

    After high school my mother sent me to Miami to work for my aunt in her house cleaning business. Her clients were mostly Venezuelans who had condos in Miami. My first assignment was a condo and I went with an older Cuban girl that had worked for my aunt for a while. When we got to the condo we found the key and went in. I went to the bedrooms, the other girl to the kitchen.

    I opened the door to first bedroom and I found a couple having sex. The condo was supposed to be empty. The guy worked for the owners and he knew they were out of town, the woman a hooker. Our policy was to report it. My aunt called the owner. We closed and left since he had a key, and the owner said he worked for her.

    First day on the job. I saw a lot doing that job, people don't believe me but people do anything, and don't clean up or hide their sex stuff.

    Measuring Up (inspired By Post 46878)

    I'm in a LTR with a woman I'll describe as "Chubby" and I have a side thing with an NSA "Supersize BBW (450+ pounds) Friend With Benefits. I wrote about my FWB in posts 46809 & 46841 and I was the one who posted the Deodorant for women that had a secondary use when you emptied it, see 46855.

    Growing up and going through School "Sex Ed" and learning on my own we were always told "The Average Penis is six inches" Well I've been handling mine quite a bit since I was a Kid...I can make a Proud Standing Soldier and Red Rocket Astronaut. looking Down...It Looks Pretty Long to Me! I'm Sure I must Have six or six and a half there! I gotta be above average, Right?

    Along the way you discover Porn and see these Hung Guys like John Holmes and Black Guys with Twelve Inch Diks! These Guys are Freaks of Nature (Right?) But you're like...Hey, its Porn. Thats how they got the job Average Size White Boys need not apply.

    When I was in the Navy I worked on Helicopters and met a ton of the best friends you could ever want. One of them invited some of us to attend his Wedding on Long Island. To make a long story short there were single women in attendance who got starry eyed seeing one of their friends in that awesome White Dress and imagined them in her shoes. The Grooms younger Sister (20 yrs old) was coming onto me. I'm a horny 20 yr old too so I'm going with the flow, the reception was da bomb...I was dancing with Kenny's sister and she's rubbing that gown all over me (Her Parents were there so she couldn't get TOO slutty)

    She pursued me after that and through some good luck my Squadron sent a detachment to Rhode Island to do some test and evaluation (away from spying eyes) for a Helo Sonar System Westinghouse was developing. Jeanne would drive up on weekends, I'd get a Motel Room and we would Fuck our Brains out, I'd take her to Dinner in Newport and we'd go back to the room and Fuck some more!

    During one of our sessions she told me she wanted to measure my Dik (probably gonna brag to her friends, right?). She was in College so she had a ruler in a bag in her car. I considered Myself "Studley McStudMuffin" so I laid back and let her work her Magic and get Mr. Happy to Attention. Go Ahead Baby, Measure that Iron Rod that makes you squeak and squeal so much! She Placed the Ruler alongside and said "Five and a Half Inches", I was like YessirBaby, Wait WHAT??? I looked down to see and absolutely...My Dik is 5 and a half inches long. What a Fucking Let Down! It wasn't totally devastating but it something I'll never forget!

    Reality has a way of educating you on what your limitations are. For any average size woman all sex positions are no problem. I have a good time, she has a good time. No Problem. But I have always had a Fantasy of screwing a REALLY Fat Woman and I finally made it happen. If you notice SSBBW Porn you see a whole lot of really fat White women getting drilled Doggie Style by REALLY Hung Black Guys. Shortly into our friendship I tried to Fuck Jackie Doggie but there was WAY Too Much Ass and Way Too much Gravity and I couldn't get Close . We haven't attempted "Cowgirl" either. Tonight is FWB "Fuck Night" so after work think about me...I'll be Plowing the Biggest FUPA Ever.... Missionary! (Maybe I should Measure THAT! LOL