This category is for confessing to things that are just plain 'ol "funny as fuck." If it won't make us piss ourselves with laughter, it simply doesn't belong here. Knock yourself out you funny shit..

The Lickrish Quartet

I see the cult erotic film from the 1970s and it was erotically interesting. But I am still trying to work out what its really referring to. Sexual desire and metaphor of gun shots for shooting cum. the floor of sex words from dictionary they roll around having the quickest boring sex on. The kid going back in his memories either the son or the fathers childhood or both. Because all this film does is recycle around a dialogue and sex film. and I guess we know where they get the porn stars from after all and its their night out and they take them back to the castle. It has potential to be a better film with more erotic metaphor and what it lacks is something better then just the repeat of the parents in the next generations film. It lacks expected kinky for this era and is not that kinky by today's standards. The female has sex with the dirty old blob and then takes up with his son. how weird who would do that? Is there porn films on this script? I bet there are. The son appears to get back at his brainless sex addicted porn watching parents by making spectacle of them. Now that could have gone further and much more revengeful then just a knife man and the son dressed up like the father again at the end is really disgusting. Are we really a slave to our genetic inheritance or shared environmental circumstances? One would hope not. If this is a cult sex film then its bad. Kinky sex should be better in the location of a castle. I mean where is the vampire even? Not enough erotic sex and not enough character mo nor is the audience really getting into characters head enough intimate. The main character should be the son and the old blob should pick up some chick off the street and why is he locking the wife in a dudgeon down stairs ? he should want to see her be fucked by a dozen men or at least some jail bird of sorts. The son needs to be the one we see the view point of more. Seriously what shit is this? The speed way? what does that have to do with sex? or porn? and it would be kinkier if the chick was a i****t affair like a cousin or half sister. This is about the beasts within us all or it should be but this film lacks any real beast and sex turn on cuz it took me ages and ages to climax to. That is kind of what its mocking that we can switch a button ..(continue confession)

First Day On The Job

After high school my mother sent me to Miami to work for my aunt in her house cleaning business. Her clients were mostly Venezuelans who had condos in Miami. My first assignment was a condo and I went with an older Cuban girl that had worked for my aunt for a while. When we got to the condo we found the key and went in. I went to the bedrooms, the other girl to the kitchen.

I opened the door to first bedroom and I found a couple having sex. The condo was supposed to be empty. The guy worked for the owners and he knew they were out of town, the woman a hooker. Our policy was to report it. My aunt called the owner. We closed and left since he had a key, and the owner said he worked for her.

First day on the job. I saw a lot doing that job, people don't believe me but people do anything, and don't clean up or hide their sex stuff.

Measuring Up (inspired By Post 46878)

I'm in a LTR with a woman I'll describe as "Chubby" and I have a side thing with an NSA "Supersize BBW (450+ pounds) Friend With Benefits. I wrote about my FWB in posts 46809 & 46841 and I was the one who posted the Deodorant for women that had a secondary use when you emptied it, see 46855.

Growing up and going through School "Sex Ed" and learning on my own we were always told "The Average Penis is six inches" Well I've been handling mine quite a bit since I was a Kid...I can make a Proud Standing Soldier and Red Rocket Astronaut. looking Down...It Looks Pretty Long to Me! I'm Sure I must Have six or six and a half there! I gotta be above average, Right?

Along the way you discover Porn and see these Hung Guys like John Holmes and Black Guys with Twelve Inch Diks! These Guys are Freaks of Nature (Right?) But you're like...Hey, its Porn. Thats how they got the job Average Size White Boys need not apply.

When I was in the Navy I worked on Helicopters and met a ton of the best friends you could ever want. One of them invited some of us to attend his Wedding on Long Island. To make a long story short there were single women in attendance who got starry eyed seeing one of their friends in that awesome White Dress and imagined them in her shoes. The Grooms younger Sister (20 yrs old) was coming onto me. I'm a horny 20 yr old too so I'm going with the flow, the reception was da bomb...I was dancing with Kenny's sister and she's rubbing that gown all over me (Her Parents were there so she couldn't get TOO slutty)

She pursued me after that and through some good luck my Squadron sent a detachment to Rhode Island to do some test and evaluation (away from spying eyes) for a Helo Sonar System Westinghouse was developing. Jeanne would drive up on weekends, I'd get a Motel Room and we would Fuck our Brains out, I'd take her to Dinner in Newport and we'd go back to the room and Fuck some more!

During one of our sessions she told me she wanted to measure my Dik (probably gonna brag to her friends, right?). She was in College so she had a ruler in a bag in her car. I considered Myself "Studley McStudMuffin" so I laid back and let her work her Magic and get Mr. Happy to Attention. Go Ahead Baby, Measure that Iron Rod that makes you squeak and squeal so much! She Placed the ..(continue confession)

  • Got Caught In A Lie

    I became friends with a man at work. I tried to pass myself off as a lesbian. Unaware of where he was taking me we went to this lesbian bar after work. He had paid this butch biker woman he knew to hit on me. Her hug was to familiar and she kissed me on the mouth. I was nervous and uncomfortable and he slipped me napkin where he had written 'want cock?'

    He called me out, and several weeks later I was getting cock.

    Watch The News

    Back in UK, with my first wife, to cut a long story short, I locked myself up in my rubber bag, which cost a lot of money, custom made, when we didn't have much, and mailed the keys to myself, priority mail. When my wife returned from shopping, she sighed, and said "I'm not in the mood for this right now...where are the keys?" When I confessed proudly what I had done, she screamed with frustration, and turned on the TV...minutes later a News update came on, and I heard the announcer say "The Post Office strike seems unlikely to settle in the immediate future, so the public should prepare themselves for what could be at LEAST a week, probably more, without mail services"
    "You fucking idiot, don't you ever watch the News? Well, you always say I don't keep you in there long enough, - maybe this will teach you a lesson! The amount of money you spent on this thing would have made a mortgage payment, so I'm damned if I'm cutting you out of it, just so you can replace it, at that sort of cost! Don't bother arguing - I don't believe anything you say any more...I'll make sure you don't die in there, although I'm pretty sure death will look good, eventually! If your fuck-up doesn't put you off this nonsense, then probably nothing will!"
    I did survive, with much discomfort and misery, lost twenty pounds in weight, and became even more addicted to total enclosure bondage, which eventually brought about a divorce...
    So, learn some 'situational awareness' if you intend to live on the edge....

    Got To Try Something New

    Lost my dick in a trucking accident. I have this nub of a dick. Can't say I am the latest and greatest when it comes to making a woman happy. What I have left gets hard, but an inch is not what it takes to do the job. In 'rehab', let's laugh together, I had this therapist who tried to convince me that all would be well.

    I have been living with my nub for three years now, I satisfy myself with porn. I guess I am projecting because between a hard man dick and a wet pussy, I get a lot more out of hard cocks, working a man pussy. I started reaching out on gay sites, figuring I was going to take a dick up my ass.

    It has taken three years, I just want to say that I finally did it with a man who lives in my complex. I told him I was a virgin in that department, gave him a good view of my nub, showed him I was serious and sucked his man dick (pretty good too for a novice), and let him lube up, put his rain coat on and I bent over and he went to town.

    It is all I have left, it felt good in a very different way, I rubbed my nub afterwards and got a dry orgasm out of it, and I am ready for round two. He is coming over tonight.

    My Teacher

    I saw my unmarried struggling to walk normal. Idk what happened to her but I really want to know if she had anal sex of something I really want to know...I saw her entering into college other guys are laughing and guessing if she had sex really hard or something but I am not sure. I really want to know why se wasn't able to walk normal. She was taking small steps. She was walking like a penguin and it was a day after a holiday. please tell me what cause her walk like that?

    Get It Mom

    So I caught my mom sucking my dad's cock tonight in our garage. Dad went out there before dinner to "his workshop," he's a carpenter on the side so he spends a lot of time out there and my mom has to usually go get him for meals. Well tonight he didn't even come back for dinner, so mom fixed him a plate and went out there. And was gone for 30 minutes. No big deal, I'm doing dishes anyway so I go out and check and see that the main door is closed up. Okay...

    I go around the side and see the side door is shut but there's a little light from the table lamp he keeps out there in the back. I walk up and what do I see through the window? My moms on her knees with her tits out blowing him like she owed him money!

    They didn't see me so I went back in and tried to wash my eyes. It wasn't gross, they are both in their 40s and lots of my female friends have told me my Dad is a cutey. It's just weird to see it in action. Thank God we go back to school in a month so they can just fuck inside like normal people.

    My mom does have good boobs though, just sayin.

    Drunk Barefoot Hillbilly

    Me and my family was trying to have lunch at McDonald's until a man wearing a straw hat, overalls, and bare feet went inside McDonald's and he was holding a Banjo too and as McDonald's Employees tried to let the man know about the Dress Code Policy, he stands on top of the counter playing his banjo and singing Old MacDonald to the annoyance of everybody inside the restaurant. Then after he started shouting EIEIO the Employees began yelling at him to stop and to leave the restaurant and then the Hillbilly Farted right in the McDonald's Worker's Face and then he makes a dash towards the restroom and yes he went inside the restroom barefoot, now that is just nasty walking barefoot inside of a public restroom in a place where people eat, that just nearly made me lose my lunch.

    Then about 20 minutes later the Hillbilly leaves the restroom wearing only a pair of underwear with turd stains skidmarked on his underwear. He then laid his banjo on my table and then picked up his foot and he actually started to smell his goddamn feet in the restaurant while other patrons were trying to eat as I could hear everybody groaning in disgust and wondering if this man needs to be put in the funny farm because if you are smelling your feet in a restaurant than you should be given a one way trip to the Funny Farm. Then the Hillbilly snatched my sandwich off of my table and placed his foot inside of my sandwich, and then sucked his fucking toes on my fucking sandwich. I was so pissed off I took the inbred's banjo and whacked him upside the head with his banjo as McDonald's Workers began to drag this half naked hillbilly out of McDonald's as everybody applauded me for taking care of this whackjob while everybody outside pointed and laughed at this inbred hick for his rude and disruptive antics as they hauled his ass off to the funny farm.