This category is for confessing to things that are just plain 'ol "funny as fuck." If it won't make us piss ourselves with laughter, it simply doesn't belong here. Knock yourself out you funny shit..

Security Camera Jackpot.

I own a 4-plex apartment building in town and due to neighborhood crime, I installed security cameras on the front and back of my building. It's a great hi-def system and I started to monitor the cameras remotely from my home.

The first week I had the system up and running, I noticed Jenna, a cute little blonde living on the first floor. She's maybe about 14 and was hanging out back by the garage with a boy about her age just as it got dark.

I thought they were maybe up to something and to my surprise they started making out. At one point he had her shirt pulled up to her chin exposing her full round boobs. I was shocked that she was so well endowed at that age. She was rubbing his cock through his jeans as they kissed and hugged etc.

After that evening, I started to monitor that back area around the same time each night. A few nights later, I saw her get on her knees and suck this kid's cock. I've seen them do this on two different nights now.

Yesterday I was over to the building getting an estimate on having some work done. While I was there, Jenna came down the front steps braless with her big boobs bouncing and she just smiled and said " Hey, Mr. B".

If she only knew what I knew. Can't wait to see more and the best part is I now get a discount on my property insurance...LOL.

  • Masturbation Sprouts

    sometimes orgasming is a real annoyance. and I do it more for the relief of a headache then for anything else.

    Casting Couch Auditions

    My brother owns an office building that has 15 floors. He bought it some years and when he did the 13th floor was vacant. It seems nobody wanted to rent anything on the 13th floor. It's been vacant every since. I'm not superstitious so since he couldn't rent it to anyone he lets me stay there for free. It's 12,000 square feet which is huge. I call it my almost penthouse. There are three elevators, two passenger elevators and a freight elevator. There are two stairwells and there are ventilation shafts. So subtracting all that I actually get about 9000 square feet. I have part of it set up as an apartment with amazing views. Portions of it are set up for storage space, I have a lot of junk. And portions are set up as office space and I have a studio. Or I should say, a fake studio.

    Now as I said, my brother owns the building, but unlike a certain fake president and fake billionaire whom I won't name, my brother didn't borrow to buy the building. He started his business by winning a million dollars in the lottery thirty years ago and has been buying real estate ever since. I, on the other hand have been a financial and career failure ever since. I'm just no good at making money and especially at working for other people. Technically, I'm a janitor in my brother's building here. I'm OK with that. It gives me access to everything. I also don't see my brother much. He leases the building out by the floor and in the contracts he makes each tenant responsible for their own floor and he hires a management company to manage the building. Part of that contract is they have to keep me on as a janitor. They also are required to ignore anything I do on my own floor as long as it doesn't endanger the building or other tenants.

    So a buddy of mine gave me an idea. He showed me a porn video about a guy who pretends to be the director of a porn studio and he advertises for girls to audition for roles and they come and he fucks them and then they leave without being paid or ever getting the part since there isn't really a part as there isn't really a porn video to be made. It's all a ruse to get young beautiful girls to fuck him for free.

    Now this got me to thinking. I don't have a lot of original thoughts. Not even this was mine but my buddy's idea. I just reworked it a little. I contacted a criminal defense attorney who had defended me a couple of times when I've been to jail and asked him about my idea. Turns out this is a nice loophole to laws that ban prostitution. So you can hire "actresses" to star in a porn video and then shoot the porn video and pay the actresses to fuck in the porn video as long as you make a video of what you do or at least intend to. You can audition girls to star in said porn video and fuck them in the audition. But you cannot pay them to audition. As long as I don't pay them for the audition then I am not breaking the prostitution laws in my state. Yay Me!

    So I found out that most girls who are willing to do porn require payment for the audition and most can smell one of these scams. Lucky me, the ones who don't figure it out are young, fresh faced girls who have never done porn before and don't know anything about the business or how it works. Those are actually the ones I want.

    So I placed some legitimate looking advertisements on the internet looking for "fresh faced young girls 18-19 years old, prefer no experience for adult films. Good money for right girl, call or text for audition." I have my studio set up to look like a porn studio complete with stereotypical porn set furniture, big round bed with red satin sheets and tons of pillows, big window with view of the city, then where there would be walls there are cameras and lights and reflectors and diffusers. There's a makeup table like an actress would have along with a hair styling station and racks of costumes. I modeled it after a lot of what you see in porn videos. I got the costumes at a thrift store along with all the furniture and most of the other items. It's amazing what people throw away. Good thing because my budget is kind of low.

    My advertisement got a lot of responses but as expected, one of the first questions would be if it's a paid audition. That's where I lose them. It was a week before I got a text from a girl who had just arrived from Kansas. Now I don't live in a city known for the entertainment industry so I had no expectation of having someone apply who just arrived from out of town. It turns out she ran away from home and intended to surprise a relative by just showing up and that relative said no. At first I thought the girl was probably underage. I also thought someone was probably scamming me. I mean come on, Kansas? Really? But she insisted she had lived there all her life and never left the state until now and here she was in the big city. Well it's a city but it's not even on the top twenty lists of big cities. I told her to send me a copy of her ID and a selfie. She sent her state ID, and a copy of her birth certificate and SS card. She had never taken a selfie before which seemed odd so I gave her instructions via text. she had turned 18 the prior week. she was just about the youngest girl I could fuck and not go to jail. She also looked the part. From the neck up she looked illegally young. If the age of consent was 12 I'd audition 12 year old girls. I like them young but I stopped fucking under aged girls when I turned 18 myself. I've been to jail but for check kiting and fraud not for any sex crimes and I didn't want to start. So I was a bit nervous that she might have faked the ID but I figure if I got scans of what she sent and didn't fuck her until I got a good look at them in person then I had plausible deniability. Isn't that the phrase that politicians use?

    So "April" showed up on time and made a joke about me being on the 13th floor. I told her that I got a good deal on the rent because of it. April was even hotter in person. I had seen her selfies but it's kind of hard to judge from that angle and I couldn't see everything. April was blond with a long thick mane that ended just below her butt. I love long gorgeous hair and prefer it but so few women want to go through the trouble of caring for it and most blonds have fake hair. April was all natural. So I asked her typical job interview questions and told her how much the producers paid for an inexperienced girl on a first shoot and then I explained that as the director I had to try her out to see if she would be suitable.

    I set up the cameras and lights to make it look real. I told her that at any point in the audition I could dismiss her as unsuitable. She nodded her head and agreed to the terms and signed the paperwork and so I sat on a chair behind a camera on a tripod and told her to just start removing her clothes and not to worry about being nervous. She was obviously very innocent and had no idea what she was doing so I patiently reassured her and complimented her on how beautiful she was. She was wearing a long flowing dress like you see girls wear when they belong to some ultra religious cult. So she reached around and unbuttoned her dress and then reached down and picked up the hem and just lifted it slowly and nervously over her head obscuring her face but exposing her amazing lean body. She had on nothing but socks, white cotton panties and a plain white cotton bra, precisely what an over protective father would expect his under age girl to wear to church. She was perfect. She stood there in her bra, socks and panties holding her hand at her crotch and arm across her breasts in a modest pose and looked even more nervous.

    I ..(continue confession)

  • Coworker

    I started at my current work place last year. I’m in management. And instantly a coworker took a liking to me. She’s older then me. A real nice black lady who’s been flirting with me from day one.

    She’s also in management too and come to find out a few months ago she had just gotten a divorce before I started working here. And I soon found out she had a preference for white guys.

    But last month I found out real quick she has a preference for white guys with small to average dicks. I’m nothing special in my pants but it’s definitely kept me happy over the years. But I found out last month that her mouth could take my whole dick with no issues. She sucked my dick in my truck when we were on lunch break last month.

    To my surprise it was the best bj I had gotten. My dick looked tiny in her mouth! But damn did she suck good. Nice wet bj. She swallowed all my cum too which was a bonus so I didn’t get messy.

    She has a big fetish I found out. For small to average white dicks in tighty whities. She finds that combo hot and masculine. Luckily for her I only wear fruit of the loom tighty whities

    Since then we’ve had sex a few times. Her big butt makes it hard to do anal but I’m more interested in pussy anyways. She’s in her late 50s and has had a few kids so her pussy isn’t the tightest but it gets so wet.

    I had sex with her back on Monday and she’s informed me she wants sex more regularly. Just a fwb thing. She’s a really great friend and I’ll gladly give her dick when needed.

    But her only request is I get my pubic hair waxed off. She said she’s got a friend who owns a salon that does male waxing. Finding out she’s got a fetish for bald white cock in tighty whities. And I’m actually going to get waxed for her

    Wildest Cocktease On First Date - Oddest & Hottest Sex Of My Life

    Went on a date with a 26 year old single mom. I knew it was going to go down in advanced. The morning of our date she was texting me that it had been a few months since she got layed and that her kid was staying with a friend.

    So, after the date she asks me if I want to come over. I follow her back to her place and it's on. We're making out, she puts my hand between her legs and I start rubbing her pussy hard through her jeans.

    Next thing I know, I'm on my back on her bed and she's unzipping my pants. She pulls my dick through my boxers and zipper and then slides on a rubber. I try to get involved but she keeps pushing me back.

    Then she takes off her pants and panties, leaving her shirt on. She straddles me with my dick in her hand and slow starts to slide it in her pussy. With a tight grip on the base of my dick she slides just the tip inside her pussy. She keeps doing this over and over. Only the tip.

    I though at first she was just warming her pussy up, but she kept doing it. She was leaning forward her head in front of mine and her hair all over my face watching just the tip go in and out. I gather after the fact that she got off watching a dick go inside her. Meanwhile my dick is blood red and actually starting to hurt from her tight grip.

    Eventually she starts to cum and as she does she sits down all the way on my dick. Finally going all the way inside her pussy. As she falls onto my chest I just hold her not knowing what to do. She's shaking a bit from the orgasm and I can feel her wet pussy all over my jeans and running down my dick.

    After a few minutes she asked me if I can cam with her and I tell her no. Surprisingly she rolls over and tells me to "get mine". So I climb out of the bed. Take off my clothes and pull her close while standing on the side of the bed still. Her legs spread, she starts to rub her pussy and I start to fuck her.

    I try to play with her tits, but she stops me telling me that they are too sensitive. Her kid is 2 years old, but maybe she's still breast feeding? Is that a thing for 2 year olds? Anyways, she kinda lays there like a limp noodle letting me have my way with her.

    Eventually she comes around again and starts to enjoy it. She bends over and I fuck her hard from behind and she starts moaning and asking me to cum with her. Saying she can't take much more. So I cum, with her and we both fall over on the bed laughing, and joking about how neither of us have ever fucked a stranger before.

    She ends up getting in the shower and I watch through the door crack, finally getting to see her titties. She turns on the water and then comes and gives me a peck on the lips asking me to lock the door behind me.

    I watch as she climbs her fine naked ass in the shower before checking her phone on the way out the door. I check just a few messages really quickly and see that she'd been texting her friend about how hot I was and how she was going to give it up tonight. On the dating app she was talking with a few other guys and had actually send a couple sexy selfies to one other guy. One of her ass in a thong asking if she should wear it on her date tonight and an older picture of her breast busting out of her bra.

    I've been texting her and did manage to get a sexy pic of her naked ass without asking. She seems keen on another date so I hope to get to fuck her again.

  • Cup Time

    So a girl at work is clumsy as fuck. She's always oblivious and frequently runs into things and even flails about as if she had a brain injury at times yet there is nothing medically wrong with her as far as anyone knows. She seems to be nice enough so I don't think she does any of these things on purpose. She is one of those kind of people who if she came to work with bruises all over her face and she said she fell down stairs nobody is going to actually think her significant other is abusing her. She truly is that clumsy.

    The one thing is she also accidentally hits other people. She'll swing around and not look where she is going and WHAM! One of her arms or legs slams right into the nearest random person usually causing bruises. So I was considering wearing body armor to work when I was told I was going to be her project partner one week. The very first hour of the first day of this partnership and she swings around and BAM! her wrist slams right into my groin. I keel over and fold right up into a fetal position balling my eyes out like a baby girl. She apologizes profusely "Oh I'm so sorry, I'm such a klutz!" After a while I recover and limp back over to my work station and start looking up the price of chain mail. That afternoon she and I are in line at the cafeteria and she trips and falls forward and in an attempt to balance her self her right foot kicks backwards and where does it land? You guessed it, right smack dab in the middle of my already bruised nuts. Down I go clutching the family j*wels. Dumb as a mule and kicks like one too. This time I'm down for the count. They literally sent for a stretcher and I spent the next hour at the nurse's station and no, she's not young and sexy and no it doesn't lead to sex. In fact the very thought of getting an erection while in that pain turned my stomach.

    The next day at work I think I put more effort into shopping the internet for the ultimate athletic cup than the project we were supposed to be working on. Meanwhile miss Klutz has her headphones on and is swinging and swaying to whatever music she was listening to and I was ducking and maneuvering out of her way all morning. Just about when I thought I was going to catch a break her elbow comes out of no where and somehow manages to find it's way to my seriously injured testicles. I was beginning to think she was doing this deliberately. If so her aim was deadly. I passed out from the shock of the pain and woke up in the hospital. I was there for the rest of the week. Both testicles had ruptured and had to be sewn back together. The agony was blinding and that was WITH the pain meds. I was prescribed something they told me couldn't be bought with a prescription along with anti nausea meds.

    Later that evening who should show up during visiting hours? You guessed it! Miss Klutz. She was of course apologetic and despite the meds making me fuzzy headed the moment I saw her I reached for the bed pan and shoved it under the covers and clutched it protectively against my groin. Then I pulled one of the pillows behind my head and whipped around on top of that just in case. Just then, she tripped over the floor (yes she proved it is possible to trip over a perfectly smooth flat unobstructed floor) fell face forward and slammed her face down into the pillow. She then tumbled onto the floor snagging wires from the vital signs monitor yanking the pulse ox from my finger and setting off the alarm at the nurse's station while tangling herself up in the IV and when she tried to get up she knocked over the IV stand yanking the needle out of my arm. When the nurse got into the room she took one look then looked at me and said "her?" I nodded. That's when the head nurse came in and after a brief exchange a wheelchair was brought in, Miss Klutz helped into the wheelchair and they rolled her out before she accidentally killed me.

    I finally returned to work on Monday and yes wearing an athletic cup along with a hard hat, knee and elbow pads and I brought a few pillows to place as a barrier between our work stations. But to show I had a sense of humor despite still being in pain and limping around, I sported a custom made T-Shirt that read "BY BUSTING MY BALLS, YOU CONSENT TO BEING GROPED!" That actually required about 20 minutes of explanation to my project partner. She giggled awkwardly but I wasn't sure she even got it. Then came lunch. This time I made sure she got in line behind me at the cafeteria. Everything was going well, she and I both had our trays of food and were headed to the tables and I think I had a good ten feet head start. I put my tray on the table and I started to gingerly maneuver into a seat when she fell forward and somehow got the tray angled in such away as to slam it right between my thighs and jam the corner into my balls from behind. I slumped to the floor and it was lights out again.

    Two weeks later I returned to work with a cast completely engulfing my whole mid section from waist to thigh with only two openings. I could barely walk at all. I begged my boss to re-assign one of us. She said no and seemed like she thought my injuries were all my fault. I suppose they are since I never chose to quit my job like a smart person would have. So I got back to my work station this time with a three inch partition between us. She rolled her chair around bypassing the partition and I turned around and put my arms up defensively and then out of the blue she pulled off her top to reveal she had on no bra, looked me in the eyes and smiled and said "I believe I agreed to you groping me!" as she started to undo her skirt.

    My First Client At The Gym

    I went to work at a gym after college. I have a degree in kinesiology and physical therapy and my dream job was working for a professional sport team. But since I had to get work I went to work at a gym as personal trainer. First things first, the pay is terrible and I could barely make more than minimum wage. I might as well have been selling mattresses. The only benefit, if that is a benefit, is watching the gym rats come in, some of them were really quite fit and wore the skimpiest outfits to work out in. You are not supposed to look, but 22 and not looking don't go together.

    A woman, 30 because she told me it was her birthday, hired me to be her personal trainer. When you get hired like this the fee goes to the gym, not you, unless you also work off property and don't tell the gym. You do get a cut of the personal trainer fees, but not much, mostly because it is like 3 hours a week. But she did hire me, and I did provide the service. In a nutshell her problem was mental, she was in great shape, naturally g*fted with the body type, but a little on the 'I'm loosing it and I'm in marketing and how you look is everything' syndrome. Basically the best thing for these people is to break their mirrors. They are g*fted already.

    We worked on strength training, and for resistance, spinning. Other than her constant need for attention, she was an easy client, you set her up, she did her sessions and waited for her compliments. But no tips, she never tipped.

    She told me that at her work there was a 100 mile bike ride and she intended to participate and what bike did I recommend. I told her I wasn't a cyclist, and there were literally hundreds of bikes, and she should probably borrow one rather than buy one. Well, she went to cycle shop and bought an expensive light weight bike and when she called she was in pain. She made the 100 miles. She wanted me to come over because she hurt all over. I had never made a house call, but starving artists can't be choosy so I went. She was dressed out of sorts, with a loose fitting dress and no makeup. She offered coffee, and I asked for her to tell me about her experience.

    She said she really needed help, it hurt. What hurt? Her legs, her hands, her back? No, she said, and pointing to her groin area, 'right here'. Her 'friend' told her that for that pain she needed compresses and lots of attention, and that it was best for professional masseuse to help her because you never did it right when you did it alone. But she wanted me to help her. 'Look we are friends, and this is a professional call', please help me? And with that we went back to her room, she disrobed, and for the first time in my life I saw a totally naked woman win, fit, beautiful standing in front of me, pouting, lay back on her bed and spread her legs, totally shaved asking me to put a compress on her 'region' and hold it.

    I wasn't born yesterday, well maybe two yesterday's, she told me she had these hot towels ready in the kitchen in a pot and to please hurry, she needed relief from the pain. I folded the towel and she grabbed my hand and put it between her legs and told me to press it as tight as I could. Sitting on the bed, with my hand against her like that, she looked at what had to have been the face of a teenager with his first experience of getting his hand between a girl's legs. 'It's only pussy' she said, 'you've had pussy, haven't you?' 'All boys like pussy, don't they?' 'It hurts right here', and grabbing my finger she put it right between her legs, between her pussy and her anus. 'get some cream and give me a massage'.

    All in all only about three minutes had passed. Her legs open wide, she had maneuvered a pillow under her hips, my finger rubbing her perineum, careful not to touch her vagina or her anus. 'Look that's not working' 'is there anything else you can do'. And with that things went from bad to worse, or rather from strange to raw sex. She wanted and she got eaten out from front to back, she wanted cock, in her hand, her mouth and of course right in her vagina and, well not there, because I came and 'poor boy' she said, 'you really need a girlfriend don't you?'

    My house calls were billed to the gym, from time to time I got a small tip. What she wanted most was to be told she was pretty, she was in great shape and she wanted sex, to treat her like she was a yearling alpha bitch in the wild set upon by the alpha wolf. She had fantasies of being tied to the stake, and rescued by Sir Galahad, of being stripped down by the TSA, of being 14 and dragged off by bikers. She came in for her physical training three times a week, she worked every group including her glutes. She was professional, she paid her bill on time. But not all the house calls got billed, you can't bill that may hours.

    A friend of mine from college called me and told me there was an opening for a trainer and physical therapist at the minor league team where he was working. I took the job, you have to get into the game if you want to move up to the majors. I worked with athletes, some big league material, others just weren't ever going to make it. After a couple of years all that was left was my story of the lady at the gym. And from time to time, if the opportunity arose, I talked a girl into a hot compress of her region, and into a perineal massage. Where did you learn this?

    In Praise Of Older Men.

    When I was 17, about a year after my parents were divorced my mom (37) decided the two of us should go on a cruise. Mom had been hitting the gym and doing the makeover thing and was really feeling good about herself. " Who knows" she said "Maybe I'll get lucky".

    The first night when we found our table for dinner, there were 4 other people seated with us. One older couple from Michigan were celebrating their anniversary and there were two men in their 40s who were firefighters from NYC.

    After dinner the two men invited mom and I to go with them to a nightclub on the deck below. After they had a few drinks, Mom and Ron were making a lot of eye contact etc. and they got up to dance. I sat there chatting with Tony, when he found out I was only 17 he started to slide him drink closer to me I had a few sips as Mom danced away.

    Eventually Toni and I began to dance together also. He started to hold me tight and whisper in my ear how he couldn't believe I was only 17. I was getting a little buzzed from drinking and as he pressed his body close, I could sense he was turned on and I began to tingle with excitement.

    After about an hour, Mom announced that she and Ron were going to step out on deck for some fresh air. Toni told mom he'd keep an eye on me and he winked at his friend as the two of them disappeared. After about 45 minutes when They didn't come back, I asked Tony if we could go out and maybe find them.

    We strolled around but didn't see my mom and Ron anywhere. Toni just laughed and said they could be anywhere as it was a big ship. I laughed and said "Maybe Mom got lucky after all". We were standing by the railing in the shadows gazing at the stars when Tony moved behind me and pressed his body against mine and wrapped his arms around my waist. He told me he was hoping to get lucky too and laughed as he buried his face in my neck. I was so excited by being held in the arms of this older, strong man.

    I tilted my head back and as he kissed my neck, he slid his hand up and cupped my braless breast in his hand. Before I knew it, he slid one of the tiny straps down from evening dress and exposed my breast to the cool night breeze as my nipples hardened. He cock was now hard and he felt huge pressing up against me.

    "Come on, let's go in here" he said taking me by the hand and we ducked into a exercise room that was empty of people at the time. He pulled me into a dressing room and locked the door. He had my dress down to my waist and was kissing my full young boobs. I undid his belt and pulled his pants down and his hard cock popped out. He was big and I had a hard time taking it all in my mouth, but I sucked his cock as he held the back of my head until he exploded in my mouth.

    As it turned out I didn't see a lot of my mom except around the pool and at dinner. She had told me that she and Ron had this "thing" going on and Toni had agreed to "babysit " me so they could do their "Thing".

    What my mom didn't know, I was the one who really got lucky. Tony turned out to be a real "Italian Stallion" and he and I were fucking all week. My God I didn't know a man that age could be so horny and so talented. Turns out that he was 51 years old.

    I've been attracted to older men ever since and I love it..

    Orgasmed Hard And Felt Shitty

    I been so depressed for months and months now, since about may or june 2021 and its now oct 2022 and things are worse. I masturbated and its just function to get rid of some energy its nothing else. I don't know why people make such a big deal over sex and love.

    I don't need him or a psychopath rapist or what to turn me on.

    I just go with functionality.

  • I Think I Was Short With The Nurse In The ER And Hurt Her Feelings

    All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. I was in a car wreck and I lost my teeth, and other things which I'm recovering from right now. I will be OK, but right how I look like a first grader.

    But let me get to what I'm writing about. While I was in the ER, with God knows how many people working on me, one was a young nurse, I think her name was Elizabeth, had the dirty detail of cutting my pants off to get the broken leg and wound, and she had to 'expose' my dick. I know that they are supposed to be clinical, but when she asked me where it hurt I said 'my dick hurts'. Boy did she shy back, not what she expected. Granted I was hurting, but I was laying there with my dick out in the open and this young girl had cut my underwear off and that's what came to my mind right then,

    I never did get a chance to go back thru the ER and apologize to the girl, I went from the OR to ICU, and to a room and a week later to the house. Right now I'm healing and I'm sure I will walk OK, but what I can't seem to get over is my missing teeth. Talk about being self conscious.