This category is for confessing to things that are just plain 'ol "funny as fuck." If it won't make us piss ourselves with laughter, it simply doesn't belong here. Knock yourself out you funny shit..

Never For One Minute Did I Plan On Having A Wife In My Life

In November 2003 I got a call from a young woman who worked for me. She was detained in the county jail for DUI, for assaulting a Peace Officer and for peeing in the drunk tank. At the hearing the judge had put her on 20K bail, and an order to surrender herself to court to plead guilt or innocence. I half hung up, why was this now my problem?

I went down to the lock up and she was sitting looking like shit warmed over. Hung over. I posted bail, and took her to my house and straight into a shower. After getting her cleaned up and fed I gave her the interrogation. I wanted to know, every last detail of what happened. In short, she was DUI, no question on that one, she fought the Peace Officer and punched him in the nose and gave him a bloody nose, as to peeing in the drunk tank, she refused to use the toilet and squatted and peed on the floor in front of her 'best friends and neighbors' in the tank, and several Police.

I got her a good lawyer, goal was to have her released on her own recognizance, serve XX days of community service, surrender her license for a year. She got two years supervised probation, home detainment and 240 hours of community service working as a janitor in the women's sector of the county jail. They dismissed the pee incident as not being relevant.

I kept her at home, where I could keep an eye on her. She cleaned up and without anywhere to go or anything to do she did online classes. She insisted on showering in my shower and she refused to cover herself. I had her learn to cook using YouTube and bought her lounging wear. When she went to the county jail for her community service she had to wear lock up gear, no pockets, and cotton panties. It was months before things were civil and she started to understand the trouble she was in.

Two years went by slowly, one day at a time. By the time she was there a year she didn't walk around naked and combed her hair and shaved her legs and armpits and used makeup. We watched TV together, and we had long talks about her future. She had mastered some dishes and she no longer resisted doing housework. She started to look pretty.

The day came when she had completed her community service and her home detention. She easily surrendered her ankle bracelet and asked me to take her to eat Italian. She asked me if she had to move out and I told her no, she could stay as long as she got a job and kept the house clean. After dinner she asked me to take her to the mall and she bought a new nightgown and underwear, which she modeled for me later. She asked if she could move into my room with me.

We had sex that night, it lasted a long time, I never really focused on how hungry she was. She didn't get a job at first, she just spent her days being 'free'. She asked me if I was going to marry her or if she had to live like that, a live in. I told her for now she was a live in, until she proved she was worthy. She had moved into my room and my bed and for a good six weeks we had sex every night. She surrendered everything, no question, no restriction. She cut out or printed out pictures of wedding bands and left them in my briefcase. She had towels made up, with HIS and LIVE IN. She told me she didn't know how long she could hold out not getting pregnant.

I married her five years after she was 'freed' from her sentence. By then she was nursing a baby. I'm an old man now turning 70 and she's barely turning forty. She never did get a job worth a damn, she didn't want to leave 'home'. To my knowledge she went on the wagon and has not had any alcohol. She's a good driver and a good mother and a decent housekeeper.

Well that's all I have to say, I made a decision one night without thinking and I've had a 'wife' for twenty years to prove it. So much for being a confirmed bachelor.

  • I Just Stepped Into The Role

    I got along well with a man at work. He considered me his work wife and frankly I enjoyed playing the role. I am the jealous type and I kept other women away from him. One night I had a flat and he drove me home. We left my car at work overnight. In the car he touched my thing, several times. I asked him if that was it, just that. Why not higher, show me and don't keep me like that. Well he showed me and he slept with me that night.

    From that night on I considered myself his wife, full time, at work and off work. I took over the finances for him, took over dealing with his maid and gardener, took care of his groceries. All the things that wives do. I also made sure his sheets were changed once a week. When we went out I introduced myself as his wife. At work I spoke to HR to change his beneficiary and about his withholding. They took him the forms and he signed them. I told them to list us as common law.

    I was out with some friends, from before I met him. He doesn't like this one guy and he called me and told me to get home. I sat at the table for a minute before getting my things together and went home. It had come to that. Telling me who, where and what I could do. If you disobey you get into problems, so obeying is what you do. If you want to do something out of the ordinary it is better to talk to him and get permission. The last thing you need is him coming for you and marching you back to his car.

    Instead of making things worse, they made things better. I really felt I was his wife and told him I wanted to get formally married so that I could have a family. Once married I started our family. He didn't complain or anything, I went from one to four kids and he just went along. He does his part, he is great back up, he never complains about money. Whatever I need, just make it part of the household budget.

    We are in our forties now, well me 40 and he is 48. He has never complained or voiced a concern. Somehow I think that at one point back when we were working together he assumed I was his wife, not just his office wife. Everything fell into place. If I text him or call him and ask him to take our son to soccer, he does. If I ask him to pick up something for dinner he does. If I ask him to help me with the kids because I have a PTA meeting he does.

    During those early days I never dreamt I would grow up to be a housewife and stay home and not work. I'm not alone, in our neighborhood there are a lot of housewives, all of them with degrees just like me. That's my group, my friends. No one ever says they would rather be at work.

    Found SILs OnlyFans Page

    I was browsing the local NSFW reddit for our city when I see a pic that is somewhat familiar. I look at the pic closer and sure enough it's the kitchen in my old house. A house that we are renting to my wifes sister.

    The pic is just a close up of a big fat ass and I knew it was her. I've lusted over that big ass of her in tight yoga pants for years and now it's in front of me naked. I check the page and there's over a dozeon pics all linking to her onlyfans page.

    Pics of everything. Her tits, pussy, ass. You name it. I knew she had fallen on hard times as she is recently divorced and has two kids but I didn't realize she was this desperate. As I'm staring at her tight pussy, I pull up a pic of my wifes pussy on my phone and hold them side by side to compare. I'm amazed at the fact that the have identical pussies.

    I compare their tits next and think to myself, so this is what my wife would look like with bigger tits. Then the ass and realize my wife has the much better ass.

    Anyways, I've not joined the onlyfans yet because I'm not sure what info is shared. If anyone has advice and thinks it's safe I'll probably join just to see more.

  • I Never Knew

    I'm home unexpectedly for a few days while my truck is at the dealer for a wiring issue. My wife picked me up and brought me home, about a 2 hour drive. On the way, she said she would call her friends and cancel their Wednesday coffee day, but I told her it was okay, I'd stay upstairs out of the way, do whatever she had planned. So, Wednesday we sent our son to school and I headed upstairs figuring I'd watch some Netflix or something. Around 10, I heard her friends show up, so I kept the volume low not to interrupt them.
    About 10 minutes after the first 2 showed up, I heard Lisa, our rather boisterous neighbor come in. The girls all said hello and I heard them start asking why Lisa was standing. here's the part I didn't expect, those women talk nastier than truckers! Lisa blurted out that she wont be able to sit or shit right for a week. Her husband Tony fucked her ass and she's been farting and pooping cum all night. I wasn't ready for that!
    Denise, a girl my wife knows from school laughed so loud, I muted the tv. Denise started explaining that she wont let her husband fuck her ass without a condom because the cum dribbles out while she's sleeping and its usually brownish. I didn't know that girls day was so descriptive. Christine, said she wished she had that problem. That her husband and her started out wild and crazy, going to swingers clubs and stuff, but that he doesn't last even a minute when he gets into her. He can jerk off to porn for an hour without cumming, but he's a 2 pump chump! ( her words). Then she told the rest that she doesnt think the twins are hers, that one night she went to a swingers party and her husband was watching 2 girls making out, and she got fucked by at least 4 guys. 6 weeks later and she was pregnant! Lisa asked if he was hung, and Chris said he was ok, then I guess she used her hands to show how big. Lisa blurted out, "Not my Tony, he's a White Claw can!" and they all shut up!
    They all were cackling and throwing comments when Christine said it didnt matter her husband was too small for her anyway. Denise was saying that her son's tball coach was hot! She would let him fuck her anyway he wanted. She almost slipped when her husband was going down on her and said the coach's name! I was waiting for my wife to say something, but stayed pretty quiet throughout. They went on like that until after 12 when my wife said she had to pick up my son at pre-K. They all said their goodbyes, and next week is at Denise's house.
    When my wife got home, she came upstairs to check on me and I had the tv back on and pretended I was asleep. She asked, but I told her I never heard a thing. I had no clue how women talk when they are alone.

    Mom Was MILF364U.

    During the bullshit Covid lockdown, I was stuck at home doing my 10th grade online classes and my Mom was processing her company's insurance claims from home. I noticed that sometimes when I walked into her home office, she would close her laptop and chat with me.

    I kinda got the feeling she might be hiding something because I would sometimes do the same when I was interrupted looking at porn online. One morning when Mom went grocery shopping I got into her computer. The fact that I had helped her set up the computer, it was pretty easy to do.

    I found out that my Mom had been going on several adult photo sharing-chat sites and was calling herself MILF364U followed by our zip code. I saw a number of pictures of my Mom mostly in bra and panties or even some topless with her hands covering her boobs. Most pics did not show her face however. Plus there were some pictures of nude guys with hard dicks and her comments and sexy back and forth chatter.

    Out of curiosity I got another gmail account and joined the free site with a profile and the whole thing. Before long we were chatting it up and I convinced her I was a horny 19 yr old freshman in college. I kept telling her how hot she was and how I couldn't believe she was 36 with such a hot body etc.

    She quickly asked me to send her a pic or two so she could get to know me better. Over about a week, I sent her a few carefully posed underwear shots showing off my bulging hard cock without showing my face.

    Long story short, within a few days I was showing my mom my big hard cock telling her how much I'd love to have her suck me off. She started to send me nudes, even some with her fingers in her spread open pussy. Mom had 36D boobs and a neatly trimmed bush and I was really impressed, not ever having seen her naked body before. At one point she started showing her face as things heated up.

    We had long, wet messages back and forth talking about how she wanted my hard young cock inside her and shit like that. She actually started asking me where I went to school and how maybe we could meet up.

    After a while I had to cut it off, all I could think of was my mom's naked body, every time she walked thru in her nightgown or without a bra, I was getting these huge boners. Every time I got a chance I was hugging and snuggling against her hot body and jerking off to her pictures at night. Mom was a real MILF and I never looked at her the same after that.

  • " Pecker Tracks" LOL.

    Recently read a "confession" about sex in a new car and I have to tell this story. When I was 16, my dad bought a new '72 Chevy Impala, a great car that would haul ass. After maybe a month, he finally broke down and let me take it out in a Friday night date.

    I took my GF Tracy to the local drive-in movie and long story short, I wound up with her riding me cowgirl style in the front seat as I sucked her boobs. She had been on birth control for about 6-7 months so we could fuck bareback. She was a kind of shy girl, but once you got her going, she was wild. That night, we fucked twice, not unusual for a horny kid with a hot GF.

    On Saturday morning, after dad got back from golf he told me I had to wash the car as payment for using it the night before. I figured that was a pretty good deal and as I was getting the hose and bucket out, Dad told me to be sure to clean up the " Pecker Tracks" as he was going in the house.

    I had no idea what he was talking about until I went to clean the interior. On the front seat where Tracy was riding my cock, there were several dried puddles on the seat. I didn't know whether to laugh or shit, but I always made sure I cleaned up the pecker tracks when I used the car. Valuable lesson learned ....LOL.

    No Panties Tuesdays

    I recently had dinner with an old GF from high school. We had a ball going over old times in school and we both broke up talking about " No Panties Tuesday". Our school had taken a hard stand enforcing a new dress code at the start of the school year.

    Several girls had been given written warnings and some had been suspended for infractions, especially "Crop tops" and "No bra". My friend Holly and I both had been suspended for not wearing a bra. We got the crazy idea that since the dress code said absolutely nothing about underpants, we started going to classes taught by men without our panties.


    We both would sit with our legs spread slightly and move our legs open and closed. Sometimes just scratching an itch on our inner thighs, some of our male teachers got caught several times gazing at our little kitties exposed under our skirts. It was great fun.

    After a week or two, we told other girls in our gym class about what we were doing. Then we decided that we wouldn't wear panties on Tuesday and thanks to social media it became known as "No Panties Tuesdays".

    We all posted stories about certain teachers who would stare or even touch themselves seated behind their desks. Eventually there were new regulations about short skirts that were too revealing. LMAO.

    When We Were Trapped During The Pandemic We Turned To Queer Sex

    In the complex where I was living there was a fire. I evacuated and fortunately my apartment was spared but I had some smoke damage. A neighbor walked over to me and we talked about how to clean up. We helped each other and that's how we became friends.

    Over the next few months we became better friends and when an undamaged unit opened up we got priority and got unit. I took the master and he took the other room. Rent split helped both of us. When the work from home experiment hit we set up business on the kitchen table.

    Twenty four seven day after day, we became careless, worked in our underused, caught movies at night. He had this idea to stream from his computer, we started watching porn. All kind of porn. Once we started watching gay porn we were hooked on it. And if we saw it and masturbated, we started engaging in sex together. We spent the at home experience as queer sluts.

    Once we returned to the office, and social interaction we quit watching porn and stopped engaging in sex. An opportunity opened up for me and I moved to Milwaukie. Still, looking back, that was great sex, pure and simple. To be true I haven't yet found a girl interesting.

    Is In It Yet?

    I've only been dating this girl for a couple months. I knew while I was at class she'd been sleeping at my apartment during the day. It all struck me as odd however, when I found a used condom in the trash...

    My computer is in my bedroom so it wasn't hard to set up my webcam to record all day. On day two of recording she shows up with some random guy. They climb under the blanks of my bed and and start fucking.

    On the cam my girls head is kinda hanging off the bed and she looks board as fuck while he's fucking her. The guy asks "what's wrong" and my girl says "Is it in yet?" while laughing. He gets pissed and tries to get off her but she holds on and ends up flipping around and starts ridding him all while saying she was kidding.

    Anyways, I get about 10 minutes of video of her ridding him hard and then she gets in the shower.

    I don't know why she's cheating but it doesn't look like it's for the sex.

  • Caught On Cam...

    I live on a 20 acre tract of land just outside of town next to a subdivision. Recently I noticed that somebody has been coming onto the back of my land and throwing down beer cans and junk. From time to time, I can hear 4 wheelers back in the woods somewhere. I found out they were riding down the powerline right of way and slipping around my back gate. I ordered 2 security cameras and set them up in the area of the gate.

    On a Saturday afternoon I heard a 4 wheeler off in the distance, that evening I went back there and downloaded my cameras. What I saw was more than anticipated, there was a teenage couple maybe 14-15 or so. They were sharing a beer and then started making out.

    The guy pulled the girl's shirt over her head and she had great tits for a kid that age. They were big and round and the guy was massaging them and sucking on her nipples. He pulls a blanket out of her backpack and spreads it on the ground. She gets on her knees and pulls his jeans down and starts to suck his hard cock.

    She drops her shorts and lays down and the guy pushes her legs back almost over her shoulders and is fucking the shit out of this girl. He pounds away for about 10 minutes and then pulls out blowing a load on her stomach. The get dressed and have another beer, then ride of into the sunset.

    I've seen them do this now on two different occasions, wet hot teenage sex and I've got it on video. The funny part is that I drove thru the subdivision and saw some kids standing around a group of 4 wheelers. I stopped and was asking them if they knew who was riding on my land. Of course, nobody knew shit and they just dummied up.

    Then the girl in the video comes walking out of the garage braless wearing a tanktop and cut off jeans and wants to know what's going on. The whole time I'm talking to her, I'm staring at her big boobs. She looks at me and just grins this innocent look.

    I've now upgraded my cameras to a hi-def setup....LOL.