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I've only ever had sex with my husband. Well, that's the official story anyway. We started dating when he was 21 and I was 18. He was very experienced having had a lot of girlfriends meanwhile I was a loser virgin. We hadn't been dating a few weeks was I was ready to go. I was a nervous wreck thinking I would be terrible and he would leave me. I got a reprieve when I had to go to a relative's funeral in Canada. A three day trip stretched to a week and a half. I was dreading going back because we had decided the time was right just before I had to leave. I knew my BF was going to expect sex when I got back and knew he'd be disappointed.

I got to know some people in Canada including a few guys in their mid to late twenties. One hit on me a lot but I kept telling him I had a boyfriend. After doing too much drinking, I told him how nervous I was about having sex with my BF for the first time. I told him it wasn't doing it but sucking at it that I was nervous about. He talked me into letting him take my virginity so I would have an easier time later. I ended up letting him fuck me. It was as awkward, painful and uncomfortable as you'd expect. We had sex four times before I went home. It got much better and I was feeling pretty confident with sex after those experiences. I felt guilty but not too bad. I convinced myself that my BF had had a lot of practice with other girls so what I did was just practice.

When my BF and I got together again things were strained because I had been gone so long. Once we were comfortable again I told him I was ready for sex. The first time we were together I faked being a virgin. I acted like it really hurt but also tried to get into it. Surprisingly the sex sucked. My BF was nothing like the guy I had been with in Canada. I was pretty confused thinking it was me but I made a big deal about how happy I was to lose my virginity to him.

While we talked about it he said he was happy to finally lose his virginity too and was happy it was with me. I had assumed he'd already had sex with a bunch of girls before he met me. I had no idea he was a virgin. I felt like such a piece of shit. Still do. Sometimes I wish we had broken up so that I could have put that behind me but we ended up getting married and I have to carry this with me forever. I love him and our life together but it's a shitty burden. If I could climb into a time machine I'd go back and kick my eighteen year old self in the ass to smarten myself up.

Comments

Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jun 28, 2013 at 6:01 PM

You're right, you were an 18 yo loser. Tell him now.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jun 28, 2013 at 6:15 PM

I know. And I told you. I'll never tell him. What would be the point other than to hurt him?

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jun 28, 2013 at 7:06 PM

U were a loser then and u still r if u really love him u would of told him

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jun 28, 2013 at 7:47 PM

Why? What good would it do?

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jun 28, 2013 at 8:40 PM

Stop living in the past. Let it go.

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Anonymous

by Anonymous on Jun 29, 2013 at 10:56 AM

Posting it here is me trying to let it go. It only bothers me once in awhile. Usually I don't but every so often it comes flooding back and i feel like crap again.

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