I Know What I Am, I Just Don't Live It

As a frightened lesbian going through college I kept to myself. I had never had a girlfriend, never kissed, I had painful crushes but never told anyone how I felt. Truthfully at that time I wanted the nightmare to end.

In my junior year I met a grad student who had a rental house and she offered to split the rent and I could use the dining room for an art studio. At first we were polite but not close. She was dating a grad student and I gave them their space. But I started to get jealous of her, I resented him, I felt hurt. I had developed a crush on her. I thought I was keeping things to myself but she noticed and one night confronted me about it. She is the first person to tell me I am a lesbian.

What happened is that she let me crush on her, she paid attention to me, and she kidded me and ended up pushing me onto my bed and getting on me, groping me and kissing me. I got eaten. After she stopped and I was still digesting what had happened, she told me that unless I got fucked by a guy I would never know for sure. She asked her friend to fuck me.

It was mechanical, on my back, my legs opened, he got on, fucked me and got off. I never took off my top. When she asked if I liked it I said no. For the next weeks I had to talk to him, go out with them, let him pull me and push me, but he didn't fuck me again. It didn't matter, I was pregnant. When it came out, and I had the pregnancy confirmed by a doctor they agreed that the only thing to do was for me to marry him.

One baby came, eleven months later a second baby came right before I graduated with my degree. Eighteen months later I gave birth to twin girls. My husband wanted a wife, he wanted the children. I couldn't work, and he was ok with that. I grew into this full time housewife and mom with four kids. I felt comfortable with my husband, but I never said I love you. He didn't either. But I was married and married is what I am.

Other than those weeks when I was intimate with my roommate, I never did anything with another woman. After I got married my sex life has been hetero. I think about being a lesbian almost every day.