For Some Unknown Reason I Was Formed With This Condition

My days at home before I left for college were marked by tragedy. My father was lost to a plant explosion. My mother worked two jobs to provide for us. My sister was a problem child. I myself had to face a group of men who wanted to have sex with me and my friend. We ran, and by good fortune were able to avoid their search as we hid in a culvert that was unknown to them. Had we been r**ed, our lives would have been ruined. My art teacher made a pass at me when I was sixteen. She was caught with another girl the following year. I escaped by luck, because only luck intervened.

I face my demon. I do not agree with my condition. I did not choose for this. I grew up dreaming of the day that I would marry a man and have a home and children. I never dreamt that I would be so ruined. I have difficulty enough bringing these urges under control. It is only under duress that I submit to what I cannot control.

I know guilt. I know regret. I know that I do wrong. I know that my father, bless his soul, would never have permitted his daughter to behave like this.

This condition is portrayed as wonderful, it is not. When your eye chases another woman, when your heart beats for another woman. When you find that you are with another woman, doing what you are only supposed to do with a man. I do not like the word LESBIAN. It means nothing to me. To be loved by another woman, as a woman loves a man. To love another woman, as you would love a man. To surrender my body to another woman, and long for her when I am alone without her. Pardon me, I do not want to be a lesbian. But I am. It is a fate worse than death. And I have to live it.