I Pinch Myself, I Can't Believe It Myself, A Woman Like Me, A Housfrau
I'm German. I worked for an American company in their accounts department. My boss was a fifty year old widower, he had lost his wife many years earlier. Now he was being transferred back to their home office. He asked me to come with him. To take care of me. A home of my own, a place to raise children. Not to work, to enjoy being a housewife, a Housfrau.
At 32 I had to think, ask myself, could I be a wife. Could I bear children. Could I be a Housfrau. Germany offers a minimum standard. A job with an American company paid better, but not enough for a house of my own. I had set aside children, that was not for women like me. And I didn't love him, never would, respect him yes, but a woman like me was unlikely to love a man. Unless loving a brother, a father, but that's not loving a man.
But an offer made by a man who wanted me to have an American life. A home, with a home, children. I thanked him, but I had to decline. A woman like me would not be a 'good wife'. Couldn't be a good wife. Not to a man. But he would not let me 'off the hook'. You do not have a choice, he told me. You will be a wife, and a mother, and no is not an option.
We got married in Germany, and recorded it with the embassy. I arrived in the USA, a new wife, a new life. Where no one knew about the 'old' me. I was the secretary, accounts girl, that married the boss. I was pregnant six months later, and then again two years after that. Two German girls, with an American father, born in the USA. And a mother who was a Hausfrau. A Housfrau with a secret life back in Germany learning to love a man.
My girls are teenagers, their father is sixty five, I'm 47. I love this man, like a father, if not a wife. A home that's mine, two lovely German American girls, surprise grandchildren of my parents. My secret is more of a memory, I have a very close friend instead. 'We' have a summer home, with a boat on a lakeside. Once a year I go on holiday to see my parents, I have made peace with them, and they can't wait to see their grandchildren.
When I travel, when my daughters travel, its on American passports. We take American g*fts. A Housfrau, my mother still can't believe it. A woman like me.
