Should I Make An Effort For A Distant Friend's 40th Birthday?
This is a plea for advice. I didn't see a category for friends, so I chose evil thoughts, because if I decide not to do something for my friend's birthday, it does feel like an evil thought.
I met this friend several years ago while traveling. We shared confidences and became very close, texting daily from opposite sides of the Atlantic for the first two years of our friendship. We also took three international trips together.
I was invited to his wedding and crossed the Atlantic to attend. Around the time of the wedding, he changed. He became distant, leaving my text messages read but unanswered, or not read at all, for days or weeks.
I have a small number of carefully chosen and quite close friends. It was a surprise to see the emotional depth drain from this friendship.
Eventually, I confronted him. He wanted to stay friends despite not being willing to make an effort to communicate regularly and promptly. He mentioned he was going through a hard time at work, and indeed, he was soon demoted from his probationary management position. But whereas we'd both shared work-related frustrations in the past, he never shared this saga with me. (I would either have encouraged him, or known to give him space.)
We've since resumed texting, but it's always in short bouts, and the topics are superficial. I don't see us taking another trip together. We might never see each other again, given that he made zero effort to meet the last time I had an extended stay in his part of the world.
Now he takes a weight loss medicine and sends me gym selfies. I have no idea how to respond. I think he wants flattery.
It became apparent at the wedding that he leads a double life. His colleagues and his family don't know he's in an open marriage. People from the different parts of his life were neatly separated at different tables, in an otherwise lovely ceremony. I am an authentic person, so I've lost a lot of respect for him.
Anyway, I turned 50 and was favored with a postcard from him. He turns 40 soon, and I'm wondering whether it's worth sending a card (minimum effort, $5) or spending about $40 to send him a parcel with a few small g*fts I'd picked out.
I don't want to reinforce unequal effort, and at the same time, what if someday he might once again be interested in a reciprocal friendship, but I close the door prematurely?
I just feel I've invested much more in this friendship (in time and money, but most of all, emotionally) than he has. Good memories remain, but they are in the past.
If it's relevant, he comes from a country and culture renowned for superficiality, materialism and difficulty making friends. It's as true for friendships with people from outside the culture as it is for locals (many of whom leave his country and report being surprised by the warmth and openness they discover elsewhere in the world).
A faithful, local friend told me today that I should honor the birthday, because caring about others is in my nature and it's not a bad thing for me to follow my nature and demonstrate care.
What would you do?
Please feel free to ask any questions.
Thank you for listening.
