This category is for confessing to things that are just plain 'ol "funny as fuck." If it won't make us piss ourselves with laughter, it simply doesn't belong here. Knock yourself out you funny shit..

Sexually Speaking, I Hate This Cruel World.

I am not going to sugar coat this confession. I am probably the most disgusting pathetic loser when it comes to sex. I have never had a sexual event in my life I can get sexcited about and tell everyone about and be proud. I am not confident at all. I am not pretty or rich, and I am not with smarts or have any particular qualities to me for a man to take to. I hate my body intensely. But having said all that I still fantazies sometimes about sex and I masturbate. I was no good at flirting and I am about the closet you would get to a female equalivilant of a male pre-ejeculating weak assed lacking confidence virgin guy but I am woman and I feel all those fears of nervousness and fear around attractive men. I have been around very attractive men and like a little puppy, I knew my place and didn't bark or bite or fetch or look to please anyone. I just sat with vacant eyes imagining wild lusty conceptions.

I feel god must have it in for me. If god punishes us, I think I am being punished for being lustful from the age of 5. How I wish I had been born pretty and rich to get any fuck in town or afar that I wanted.

I have huge tits and I am now only learning to find pleasure in feeling them. Is that lame or VoT?

I have had sex but it was rotten every time because it was forced or pushed and I don't do submission well.

I was horny young and I was getting and giving sexual favors to uncles and cousins and bros about but it was not anything hot. It was not glory or nice. It was like shove cock out and handjob it or lay there and be fucked you ugly fat bitch!

I wish I was a confident controlling woman but I think I would need status to be that way, with money and eminence in a job with power. I am dull in the head and my 22DD tits make up for the empty spaces in other places or small spaces in other places as it were.

I am small down there, as in, I am basically strinked back to virgin size pussy and its painful and frightening for me.

So, sure let me explain, I have been r**ed, I have been sexually tortured as a kid by men who would after their handjobs or r**es would give vacant stares at me as if nothing happened and I learnt to do this to lots of men without any sex , just with the thought of sex I would go blank and act aloof out of fear. Deep down I wanted to grab them and fuck their brains out but I was too proper and shy to do that. I had to play lap dog as I was programmed to. And it didn't work in the end. I didn't answer the voice.

I wish I could be normal. I beg god for forgiveness every time I fuck myself. But the pleasure is the only way to cope with stress. Now I am late 40s and my sexual confidence has gone long long ago. WIth all the weird men playing games on me over all these years of catch me if you can, do I make you feel jealous or horny you want to kill , games. or I want to kill you first then I will fuck your corpse ok! I wasn't asking!

yeh those games men play. Its fucked me around left me for a dog.

no one is less desirable then me, sadly!

  • My Father Had His Way Of Fixing Problems

    My Dad did not like this boy from school. He started asking me out and he let me know that either I ended it or he would. This was back in time when home rotary dials ruled the day. We were all in the den watching TV when the phone rang. My father answered before any of us could get to the phone. "Yes she is here but she can't come to the phone", a pause while he stared at me, and then "I believe she is taking a shit".

    It was over. I heard thru a friend of mine that the image of me on the throne ruined it for him.

    Colleague Share Nude Wife Photos And Videos Online

    My colleague was on leave and had to search for some document in his office

    computer. So I just opened a word document and found nude photos of his wife

    pasted in it with detailed description of her breasts and pussy and from the

    language it was addressed to strangers to comment and sent cum tributes. I

    further searched of video files like mp4 3gp etc. and found a folder with many

    porn and nude photos of many girls. I copied all such material to my pen drive.

    Later I added some of my own homemade porn without depicting my or my wife's

    faces for him to enjoy and share with his online stranger friends.

  • Walking The Straight And Narrow

    I served four and a half years incarceration for selling pot to a minor (an undercover cop). After my release I spent two months in a halfway house. I have an art degree but no real job skills, I was working as a waitress when I was incarcerated.

    A woman I met in jail offered to get me work, as a call girl in Denver. I have a man friend who offered me a job in his company in Durango as an entry level clerk for 11 an hour. As a call girl I can make two thousand a week, as a clerk I can make five hundred a week.

    Why am I working for 11 an hour?

    The Lickrish Quartet

    I see the cult erotic film from the 1970s and it was erotically interesting. But I am still trying to work out what its really referring to. Sexual desire and metaphor of gun shots for shooting cum. the floor of sex words from dictionary they roll around having the quickest boring sex on. The kid going back in his memories either the son or the fathers childhood or both. Because all this film does is recycle around a dialogue and sex film. and I guess we know where they get the porn stars from after all and its their night out and they take them back to the castle. It has potential to be a better film with more erotic metaphor and what it lacks is something better then just the repeat of the parents in the next generations film. It lacks expected kinky for this era and is not that kinky by today's standards. The female has sex with the dirty old blob and then takes up with his son. how weird who would do that? Is there porn films on this script? I bet there are. The son appears to get back at his brainless sex addicted porn watching parents by making spectacle of them. Now that could have gone further and much more revengeful then just a knife man and the son dressed up like the father again at the end is really disgusting. Are we really a slave to our genetic inheritance or shared environmental circumstances? One would hope not. If this is a cult sex film then its bad. Kinky sex should be better in the location of a castle. I mean where is the vampire even? Not enough erotic sex and not enough character mo nor is the audience really getting into characters head enough intimate. The main character should be the son and the old blob should pick up some chick off the street and why is he locking the wife in a dudgeon down stairs ? he should want to see her be fucked by a dozen men or at least some jail bird of sorts. The son needs to be the one we see the view point of more. Seriously what shit is this? The speed way? what does that have to do with sex? or porn? and it would be kinkier if the chick was a i****t affair like a cousin or half sister. This is about the beasts within us all or it should be but this film lacks any real beast and sex turn on cuz it took me ages and ages to climax to. That is kind of what its mocking that we can switch a button and go back any scene and just watch the dirty bits because if you blink you miss them.

  • First Day On The Job

    After high school my mother sent me to Miami to work for my aunt in her house cleaning business. Her clients were mostly Venezuelans who had condos in Miami. My first assignment was a condo and I went with an older Cuban girl that had worked for my aunt for a while. When we got to the condo we found the key and went in. I went to the bedrooms, the other girl to the kitchen.

    I opened the door to first bedroom and I found a couple having sex. The condo was supposed to be empty. The guy worked for the owners and he knew they were out of town, the woman a hooker. Our policy was to report it. My aunt called the owner. We closed and left since he had a key, and the owner said he worked for her.

    First day on the job. I saw a lot doing that job, people don't believe me but people do anything, and don't clean up or hide their sex stuff.

    Measuring Up (inspired By Post 46878)

    I'm in a LTR with a woman I'll describe as "Chubby" and I have a side thing with an NSA "Supersize BBW (450+ pounds) Friend With Benefits. I wrote about my FWB in posts 46809 & 46841 and I was the one who posted the Deodorant for women that had a secondary use when you emptied it, see 46855.

    Growing up and going through School "Sex Ed" and learning on my own we were always told "The Average Penis is six inches" Well I've been handling mine quite a bit since I was a Kid...I can make a Proud Standing Soldier and Red Rocket Astronaut. looking Down...It Looks Pretty Long to Me! I'm Sure I must Have six or six and a half there! I gotta be above average, Right?

    Along the way you discover Porn and see these Hung Guys like John Holmes and Black Guys with Twelve Inch Diks! These Guys are Freaks of Nature (Right?) But you're like...Hey, its Porn. Thats how they got the job Average Size White Boys need not apply.

    When I was in the Navy I worked on Helicopters and met a ton of the best friends you could ever want. One of them invited some of us to attend his Wedding on Long Island. To make a long story short there were single women in attendance who got starry eyed seeing one of their friends in that awesome White Dress and imagined them in her shoes. The Grooms younger Sister (20 yrs old) was coming onto me. I'm a horny 20 yr old too so I'm going with the flow, the reception was da bomb...I was dancing with Kenny's sister and she's rubbing that gown all over me (Her Parents were there so she couldn't get TOO slutty)

    She pursued me after that and through some good luck my Squadron sent a detachment to Rhode Island to do some test and evaluation (away from spying eyes) for a Helo Sonar System Westinghouse was developing. Jeanne would drive up on weekends, I'd get a Motel Room and we would Fuck our Brains out, I'd take her to Dinner in Newport and we'd go back to the room and Fuck some more!

    During one of our sessions she told me she wanted to measure my Dik (probably gonna brag to her friends, right?). She was in College so she had a ruler in a bag in her car. I considered Myself "Studley McStudMuffin" so I laid back and let her work her Magic and get Mr. Happy to Attention. Go Ahead Baby, Measure that Iron Rod that makes you squeak and squeal so much! She Placed the Ruler alongside and said "Five and a Half Inches", I was like YessirBaby, Wait WHAT??? I looked down to see and absolutely...My Dik is 5 and a half inches long. What a Fucking Let Down! It wasn't totally devastating but it something I'll never forget!

    Reality has a way of educating you on what your limitations are. For any average size woman all sex positions are no problem. I have a good time, she has a good time. No Problem. But I have always had a Fantasy of screwing a REALLY Fat Woman and I finally made it happen. If you notice SSBBW Porn you see a whole lot of really fat White women getting drilled Doggie Style by REALLY Hung Black Guys. Shortly into our friendship I tried to Fuck Jackie Doggie but there was WAY Too Much Ass and Way Too much Gravity and I couldn't get Close . We haven't attempted "Cowgirl" either. Tonight is FWB "Fuck Night" so after work think about me...I'll be Plowing the Biggest FUPA Ever.... Missionary! (Maybe I should Measure THAT! LOL

    Got Caught In A Lie

    I became friends with a man at work. I tried to pass myself off as a lesbian. Unaware of where he was taking me we went to this lesbian bar after work. He had paid this butch biker woman he knew to hit on me. Her hug was to familiar and she kissed me on the mouth. I was nervous and uncomfortable and he slipped me napkin where he had written 'want cock?'

    He called me out, and several weeks later I was getting cock.

    Watch The News

    Back in UK, with my first wife, to cut a long story short, I locked myself up in my rubber bag, which cost a lot of money, custom made, when we didn't have much, and mailed the keys to myself, priority mail. When my wife returned from shopping, she sighed, and said "I'm not in the mood for this right now...where are the keys?" When I confessed proudly what I had done, she screamed with frustration, and turned on the TV...minutes later a News update came on, and I heard the announcer say "The Post Office strike seems unlikely to settle in the immediate future, so the public should prepare themselves for what could be at LEAST a week, probably more, without mail services"
    "You fucking idiot, don't you ever watch the News? Well, you always say I don't keep you in there long enough, - maybe this will teach you a lesson! The amount of money you spent on this thing would have made a mortgage payment, so I'm damned if I'm cutting you out of it, just so you can replace it, at that sort of cost! Don't bother arguing - I don't believe anything you say any more...I'll make sure you don't die in there, although I'm pretty sure death will look good, eventually! If your fuck-up doesn't put you off this nonsense, then probably nothing will!"
    I did survive, with much discomfort and misery, lost twenty pounds in weight, and became even more addicted to total enclosure bondage, which eventually brought about a divorce...
    So, learn some 'situational awareness' if you intend to live on the edge....

  • Got To Try Something New

    Lost my dick in a trucking accident. I have this nub of a dick. Can't say I am the latest and greatest when it comes to making a woman happy. What I have left gets hard, but an inch is not what it takes to do the job. In 'rehab', let's laugh together, I had this therapist who tried to convince me that all would be well.

    I have been living with my nub for three years now, I satisfy myself with porn. I guess I am projecting because between a hard man dick and a wet pussy, I get a lot more out of hard cocks, working a man pussy. I started reaching out on gay sites, figuring I was going to take a dick up my ass.

    It has taken three years, I just want to say that I finally did it with a man who lives in my complex. I told him I was a virgin in that department, gave him a good view of my nub, showed him I was serious and sucked his man dick (pretty good too for a novice), and let him lube up, put his rain coat on and I bent over and he went to town.

    It is all I have left, it felt good in a very different way, I rubbed my nub afterwards and got a dry orgasm out of it, and I am ready for round two. He is coming over tonight.