About two years ago I spotted an ad for 'first timers,' usually married men who wanted to experience a man giving them a blow job. I kept thinking about the ad and finally called, where I spoke with a very nice-sounding, non-judgemental man who said I was like so many married men - with a sense of adventure. What happened when I got to his apartment , well, he undressed me and we started kissing. And kissing. And I remember thinking this was so so good. And then, I did what felt so totally right - I slid down and started kissing his cock. The man was surprised "ah - NO hesitation there!" AND, a week later, I was doing it again, a week later more time with that man, and each time, learning more techniques.
AND of course, this was a total private adventure.
BUT, I started sending innocent facebook notes to a man I used to work with and who I knew was gay. They became less innocent and I finally had to tell him about my private/secret life. He arranged an introduction with another local 'newbie' and we met, hit it off, and soon I was spending time in HIS bed. Shortly after that, I met more men. More sex.
About this time, I started feeling the need to be more to these men, to help them enjoy themselves more (or so I convinced myself) I wanted to be their slut. I started growing my hair - I started wearing makeup for those men - and in turn, more than half of them started treating me differently and some began to buy me women's clothing.
SO? Now, there must be a hundred men I've fucked, or given head to, or been fucked by - and still, no-one at work (to say nothing of my family) know anything about this.

I just _ _ _ _ need _ _ _ _ men in a way I've NEVER needed women.

fu**-up or what???