If I had the money I needed, I would get out of this life. My life would turn around and I would have the freedom and options to be the best person I could be. I could quit smoking, lose weight, get healthy, get the counseling I need, go to the dentist, get new glasses, buy my son shoes, get him glasses, take him to the dentist, buy myself a car, shop for nutritious foods, buy clothing for me and my son, never be dependent on 'HIM' or anyone else ever again, afford a nice place to stay with nice things of MY taste and replace all the things of mine that HE and those STUPID CHILDREN OF HIS broke, lost and destroyed; I could do anything I wanted and never worry again. I could be the ME I used to be because I wouldn't worry about being bullied out of being myself by HIM at all ever again. My money would be mine and he could not take it. The balance of power would shift. I would be happier. I would feel like I had options- and all those options WOULD be open to me. I could put my son back in private school. I could pay back my other son. I could by him a car. I could create a life for us that once again felt worth living. It would give us something to look forward to. I could decorate for Halloween all I wanted without being told NO like I'm some child instead of a 36 year old mother of two. He's made me give up nearly everything that was important to me. He took my life away. He didn't nourish it. He's killing the ME that I am and once was. If I had the money I WOULD and I COULD make it different. And that' s all I need is the money. I wouldn't let him near any of it because it would be MY money to fall back on in MY account which he can't get to no matter what. Oh how he would kiss my ass. I know it. Afraid I'm going to jet because he knows he never treated me right. And because he would want to get his paws on it. But it would be in my control and what's the worst thing for a control freak but to not be in control of something right in front of his face? Oh how the balance of power would switch between us. How powerless would he feel knowing that I now have the ability and the MEANS to walk out the door at any second and NOT invite his ass to go along. How would he feel then? Contrite? Sorry that he got full of himself and didn't think about how life and situations change and that being a dominating asshole might bite him in the ass? That that's just the way it was ALWAYS going to be- so being a jerk to someone just because they're 'lower' in your eyes or 'because you can' is no big deal. He thought his reign of terror was endless? Because it's NOT. Nothing lasts forever, even though being with him has felt like it. But things come and go in life and that's why it's important to understand you can be on the shit end of your own stick REAL FAST if you're not careful. But he doesn't know. He doesn't think that way. He just thinks about himself and how poor and put off he is because he don't have what he wants 24 hours a day. What a baby. GROW UP. Everything should just 'be there' for him without his having to do anything. He just takes and takes and takes away. From everyone. And only gives back when someone's watching or it will make him look like a hero. Otherwise, he don't care. He don't care about no one or nothing. I don't know if he was just raised a brat or if it's a fucking personality disorder but he's a jerk. It's all about him. Always has been and always will be. I hate him. A part of me hates him. Hates him for what he did to me and how he tries to shift the blame of his being an abusive fuckwad on me. What a jerk. An abusive ASS. If this is what God wants me with then there is no God. I did not ASK for a relationship, I was perfectly happy on my own. This shit was PUT in my life and I want to know WHY. I want to know why circumstances went south leaving me no option to get away from this guy. I want to know WHY there was no open door for me to get out even though I prayed and prayed and prayed. I want to know WHY. I want to know what I'm supposed to do with this anger- this righteous anger- that I have been left with. Because I NEVER deserved the way he treated me, what he did to me and what I went through. NEVER. So I want to know how it is and WHY it was so important to have this man in my life that my house and a whole coast got destroyed for us to have to cross paths. It is one of the most painful, destructive times of my life and I just don't understand WHY it was so important to have this destructive man in my presence. Why was it important for me to go through this and be so destroyed? ANSWER ME. I went through it. I at least deserve an ANSWER for that. Tell me what part of me was so evil you let this man be the decider of my fate? My 'PUNISHER'. What the hell was that about? What is taking my home away, my hopes and all my dreams away and letting this man crush me, body, mind and soul all about anyway? DO YOU EVEN KNOW? Do you even have the gnads to answer me? Is this man bigger than YOU? Do you not have even the gnads to comfort me after what I was made to go through- after what I am STILL going through? THE TRAUMA OF ABUSE? THAT YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO RESCUE ME FROM? I guess I wouldn't show my face either. But you're GOD. You're supposed to be the 'almighty'. You're supposed to take the higher road. You're supposed to not act like us mere humans and be ashamed or scared- OR EVEN INDIFFERENT. You're supposed to be GOD. And love me and care for me and help me when I'm scared and hurt. You did none of those things. NONE. When I called out to you. When you KNEW he was hurting me. When you KNEW I was in the presence of a very dangerous man. Where were you? You left me. And now all I have is this broken ass soul that I am TRYING to put back together and push through life with. And I'm not even a half of a half of what I used to be. I need more serious help. But oh yeah, I need to be able to afford it first, right? I can't see how choosing between helping me to get healthy vs. leaving me to rot could be such a hard decision. And yet… that's how it seems. I didn't think I was your favorite human being but I certainly didn't think I was so terribly unimportant to you, God. It hurts and it makes me mad. Because I'm just a kid. And I want to feel loved like any other kid. And I don't. Not when you let him do stuff like that to me. I depended on you to be my protector. To get me out and let me be healthy. Instead you let me get beat down. Somehow turned a deaf ear. And I don't know why. If you hate me now or just don't want to be bothered with me, I wish I would have known beforehand so I wouldn't go through the pain of constantly expecting you to show up and getting disappointed. I wish I knew what was going on. I wish I knew what was what. I wish I knew.