I am 18 years old and I have a good average GPA in college so far and my life long dream is to be a U.S. Air Force test pilot. But when I was 13 I did something despicable that it haunts my everyday. 13 was the age my hormones were really crazy and I hardly had any control. To make matters worse, one day I walked into my parents room to watch cartoons and I turned the tv on and a porn channel was on.

I instinctively knew what was going on and I kept that secret to this day. Through months of watching porn I began to masturbate and my lust grew worse. One day, my aunt came to visit and she brought her daughter. My cousin was only seven. My mom told me to invite her in my room to play.

We both were in my room playing tic-tac-toe when all of a sudden my lust began to fill my head with perversion. Again I was only 13 and my mind and body kept telling me to have intercourse but I couldnt do it because she was my cousin. I didnt have a strong will as I hoped I had and I ended up dry humping her doggystyle. I wish this was the only time but I did it again with the same cousin.

I truly wish I could go back to stop myself. By 14, I punished myself by taking an oath of celibacy for the rest of my life and swore that I will never break my oath. I kept that oath, in 4 years, many girls asked me out but I always refused. I always kept my emotions at check when I had a crush on a girl. There was a time when I believed I was in love because I couldnt stop thinking about her for 2 years. But the face of my cousin always popped in my mind.

I want to go to actually confess but Im scared to say it out loud, I'm scared if I confess it could jeopardize my chance to enlist in the Air Force. Now I'm also scared of ending as an old lonely man with no joy of having kids or a wife by my side until the rest of our days. But what I've done was unforgivable and the event keeps reminding me what a fucking animal I am. What should I do?