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Anything Goes
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I'm a recovering addict, just over 8 years sober.
I'm 30 years old and I've never really done anything in my life worth mentioning other than using obscene amounts of mind altering substances.
I have only held one job for longer than a year, I held the one for just under 7 years.
I recently got out of a lasting relationship in which I thought I had found a partner to share the rest of my life with.
My relationships have all ended with infidelity, or loss of mutual trust.
I am tidy, highly intelligent, very tall, strongly built, well endowed, attractive, smiling, friendly, funny, charismatic & in pretty decent physical shape. People generally seek my company & friendship and I have never had issues with meeting females.
I have in my years had to deal with tons of sh!t, both on the giving and receiving end. Death of loved ones, infidelity, backstabbing, disease & sickness, hatred towards me due to the things I have done, insanity in all its forms & piss poor judgement.
Having come to terms with myself and made amends to the people who I could reach out to I have found that forgiving people is a very liberating experience, even though trust, friendships, relationships & family never really recover to their full extent. Nothing becomes the same afterwards.
Again having come to terms with all what comes along with picking up my own garbage and making the best of what I have & fixing what I can I still feel lacking.
I was raised in a dysfunctional enviroment, my mother, bless her heart, is the kindest and most giving woman that ever walked this planet, I love her more than anyone could ever imagine. She also is very co-dependent.
My father is an alcoholic & he's been active my whole life. My mother co-ed with my father through out my upbringing & my childhood was a big mess, I could never know if today was going to be a good day or if it was safe to speak or even breathe at home due to my father's sickness. He ruled with an iron fist.
Me and my siblings had to endure intense mental and physical abuse for many years & we have the scars to prove it. My mother did not have courage to stand up to him until I was 20 and had already moved out, all the birds were out of the nest & she felt safe leaving, knowing that we weren't there to be his cushions. She divorced him after 20years, bless her heart.
On my father's side of my family mental illness is quite common. Schizophrenia and or split personality disorder, ADD, ADHD, sociopathy, panic disorders & fits of rage, compulsive disorders, depersonalization disorder, asperger's syndrome & the list goes on.
On my mother side alcoholism is very common, as well as Alzheimer's. Alongside this there is a long history of common physical illnesses, missing ligaments in feet and ankles, lung and stomach cancer, heart conditions, blood clots, gallbladder problems, kidneystones and liver failure.
I have had my gallbladder removed, it was full of stones.
I recently found out; that I have an abnormally large heart with heart valve complications, they are too small to do their job 100%.
I have an attachment disorder, I have severe troubles letting go of things and people around me ( my ex f.x. )
Compulsive disorder that comes & goes, and is absolutely unmanageble when it strikes.
I have occasional paralyzing fear attacks, fear of loosing something, mainly my mind, my biggest fear of all.
I have a slipped disc on three places and the pain that comes with it gets pretty intense at points, but I'm familiar with physical pain & i can manage it.
I am currently living rent free under a friends roof after a rather messy breakup with my ex, from there I found that a friend of mine had a spare room for rent & I stayed there for a month or two. After this time he decided he could no longer have me as his flatmate & sort of threw me out on the street where I was picked up by another friend who houses me as it is.
The main point of all this writing is mainly to see if I am really speaking as two different people, if I really am swapping back & forth.
The sub point of all this is to simply say that I'm tired of this existance. I know with all the cells in my body that there is alot more out there to experiance, to do, to give, and recieve. but somewhere along the way I lost the will. Lost interest in it all. I no longer have even a vague will to live, I feel the only reason I still exist is to prevent unimaginable hurt to my family and close ones. But I am tired of trodding hip deep in dirt & issues & problems & whatnot. My time to shine has eluded me thus far & I have no faith in it ever doing so.
p.s. Pardon my spelling, this is my third language.
I'm 30 years old and I've never really done anything in my life worth mentioning other than using obscene amounts of mind altering substances.
I have only held one job for longer than a year, I held the one for just under 7 years.
I recently got out of a lasting relationship in which I thought I had found a partner to share the rest of my life with.
My relationships have all ended with infidelity, or loss of mutual trust.
I am tidy, highly intelligent, very tall, strongly built, well endowed, attractive, smiling, friendly, funny, charismatic & in pretty decent physical shape. People generally seek my company & friendship and I have never had issues with meeting females.
I have in my years had to deal with tons of sh!t, both on the giving and receiving end. Death of loved ones, infidelity, backstabbing, disease & sickness, hatred towards me due to the things I have done, insanity in all its forms & piss poor judgement.
Having come to terms with myself and made amends to the people who I could reach out to I have found that forgiving people is a very liberating experience, even though trust, friendships, relationships & family never really recover to their full extent. Nothing becomes the same afterwards.
Again having come to terms with all what comes along with picking up my own garbage and making the best of what I have & fixing what I can I still feel lacking.
I was raised in a dysfunctional enviroment, my mother, bless her heart, is the kindest and most giving woman that ever walked this planet, I love her more than anyone could ever imagine. She also is very co-dependent.
My father is an alcoholic & he's been active my whole life. My mother co-ed with my father through out my upbringing & my childhood was a big mess, I could never know if today was going to be a good day or if it was safe to speak or even breathe at home due to my father's sickness. He ruled with an iron fist.
Me and my siblings had to endure intense mental and physical abuse for many years & we have the scars to prove it. My mother did not have courage to stand up to him until I was 20 and had already moved out, all the birds were out of the nest & she felt safe leaving, knowing that we weren't there to be his cushions. She divorced him after 20years, bless her heart.
On my father's side of my family mental illness is quite common. Schizophrenia and or split personality disorder, ADD, ADHD, sociopathy, panic disorders & fits of rage, compulsive disorders, depersonalization disorder, asperger's syndrome & the list goes on.
On my mother side alcoholism is very common, as well as Alzheimer's. Alongside this there is a long history of common physical illnesses, missing ligaments in feet and ankles, lung and stomach cancer, heart conditions, blood clots, gallbladder problems, kidneystones and liver failure.
I have had my gallbladder removed, it was full of stones.
I recently found out; that I have an abnormally large heart with heart valve complications, they are too small to do their job 100%.
I have an attachment disorder, I have severe troubles letting go of things and people around me ( my ex f.x. )
Compulsive disorder that comes & goes, and is absolutely unmanageble when it strikes.
I have occasional paralyzing fear attacks, fear of loosing something, mainly my mind, my biggest fear of all.
I have a slipped disc on three places and the pain that comes with it gets pretty intense at points, but I'm familiar with physical pain & i can manage it.
I am currently living rent free under a friends roof after a rather messy breakup with my ex, from there I found that a friend of mine had a spare room for rent & I stayed there for a month or two. After this time he decided he could no longer have me as his flatmate & sort of threw me out on the street where I was picked up by another friend who houses me as it is.
The main point of all this writing is mainly to see if I am really speaking as two different people, if I really am swapping back & forth.
The sub point of all this is to simply say that I'm tired of this existance. I know with all the cells in my body that there is alot more out there to experiance, to do, to give, and recieve. but somewhere along the way I lost the will. Lost interest in it all. I no longer have even a vague will to live, I feel the only reason I still exist is to prevent unimaginable hurt to my family and close ones. But I am tired of trodding hip deep in dirt & issues & problems & whatnot. My time to shine has eluded me thus far & I have no faith in it ever doing so.
p.s. Pardon my spelling, this is my third language.
