I feel a lot of things right now. For one, I'm disappointed in myself (I think). I'm in college and rooming with my best friend. His name is Josh. I've known him for 11 years and we've always gotten along really well (yes, I'm male). Anyway, I made a mistake the other day that I'm really struggling with. We were drinking some beers, I got really drunk after about 6 or 7 of them. Someone came over, someone he knows but hasn't for very long. Anyway, after about five minutes he pulled out some cocaine.

I'd never done cocaine before. It cleared up the drunken haze I was feeling. We all did it, but I seemed to like it the most (or it's possible I just had the hardest time controlling my enthusiasm). The guy who brought it over left after about an hour, and then it was just the two of us. We got to talking about a lot of different things, and eventually the conversation turned to sex. Josh doesn't have a girlfriend, but he's never had a hard time with girls and is definitely an attractive guy. I don't have a girlfriend and have struggled with this for years. It's not that I'm not attractive (I'm not Brad Pitt) but I'm surely more shy than he is. I've only had a few girlfriends in my life, and it's been a long time since the last one.

Anyway, I don't really know how else to say this other than to say it: the coke made me really horny. I don't know how it happened (God, I'm so ashamed), but before long I started asking him a lot of personal questions about how often he had sex, who he had it with, if he got a lot of blow jobs, for one. Then he asked me, "Why, you wanna give me one or something?" Before I knew what I was doing, impulsively, I told him I would. He said, "Whoa, I was just kidding dude!" but somehow, a minute or so later I was undoing his belt. And I did it.

The whole thing lasted about five minutes. Neither one of us is gay. But for whatever reason, he let me go through with the act. While I was doing it I couldn't believe it, but I kept at it. If I'm going to be honest, I have to say that I had fun doing it; he was rock hard and it made me happy to know that I was helping someone feel good. Who's going to say that it doesn't feel good to have your dick sucked? I finished it (meaning I brought him to orgasm). I mainly just kept his head in my mouth, on my tongue, slow and soft. Then all of a sudden I got his pre-cum, and I knew a torrent was coming. He came in my mouth, a huge load (about nine spurts), I swallowed (that was different, but not unpleasant). Since then he hasn't said a word to me. After he came, he basically disappeared, and every time I've seen him since he's had a cold look on his face, not a word.

What did I do so wrong? I mean, I know I performed oral sex on another man, but that's not immoral. I'm not gay, but I guess the fact that I broke my own "rule book" (if that makes sense) by doing this extreme thing is really bothering me. At the same time I'm rationalizing the issue, telling myself it wasn't a bad thing at all that I did; I made someone feel good, helped someone come. But, I made a really stupid choice indulging in that drug; if I hadn't done that, none of this would have happened. I know it. It was the coke that made me horny, and daring. I would never have had the courage to do any of this if I were sober.

What do I do now? Should I try to talk to him? Should I leave it for time to heal? I'm just at a loss, and really down on myself. I'm afraid things are going to be different between us now. Have I ruined our friendship? Oh God, I feel terrible. I guess it's only natural, considering how stupid I was. But honestly, I'm confused and rather scared; scared because I know part of me liked what I did. But I'm not gay. Or am I? Damn it, why did this have to happen? If anyone has any advice, I'd be so grateful. Thanks for reading this.