Things she'll never know...

Once upon a time I've met a girl, not just a girl, but the most beautiful girl i have ever meet. It was in the fall, my first day at college. I had to go to a scheduled meeting of my class and i was late. There was just one seat available and i got it quickly. I checked the person sitting next to me and that was her, a blond girl shining as the sun will never shine. I felt like i'm dreaming and she's unreal. I couldn't and i didn't want to move not to break out of "the dream". I was staring at her for awhile nor being able even to blink, nor to take a breathe. She never turned to me and i don't know what i was going to do if she did, maybe i was going to get a stroke. The meeting was for about 30minutes, but those 30 minutes went as fast as 5 seconds. I couldn't listen, i couldn't feel, mesmerized by her beauty. On my way home, i was walking as a drunk guy, wondering if i am going to meet her again. I have told my self that i won't miss the next chance to get introduced to her, but for 2 months i never saw her again.
It was the middle of the winter, i was getting out of a lab practice. In front of the college campus was a big crowd of people, but i couldn't notice them because there in the middle i saw her talking to a friend of hers. She was so widely smiling that i still can't forget the mimic of her face in that moment. She was like poison for my blood. I got paralized again, i fuckin choked and i didn't go to talk to her. I was just happy about seeing her again. I was meeting her occasionaly at school since then, but i never went even to say Hi... and everytime i was blaming myself for being such a coward.
When it got warmer, i got into a class for lifeguards, and during the sign up for it, she was there with a friend. I couldn't do more than just wave and smile as awkward as i can, but she noticed me and she smiled back. I can't describe the feeling that went through my body. I mispelled my name when i was writing it down in the list thinking about her. The next week i was going to a practice with one of the guys to the pool, and we went through a tunnel on our way. I was having a pizza-like food looking at the ground, when i heared a strange voice saying Hi, i couldn't react in time and respond, but when i looked back it was her and she was looking at me while i was chewing as an idiot. I screamed Hey and waved again at her. Then i felt really stupid about it and when i got back home i had to text her somehow, because i thought i own an appology. I didn't have her number so i made a research and i found her in a social network and i texted her. She said it wasn't a big deal and it had been okay.
I was texting her every now and then after that, having casual chats. She turned out to be a person with a sense of humour and a great taste in music. Also she was so humane i couldn't believe it. She wasn't a douche. I wanted to ask her out and get to know her better, but i never got the courage to do so. I never told her what i really was thinking about her and how i got attached to her, even without knowing her. She invaded my thoughts. I couldn't think about anything else but her. She was the one and only thought i had.
Then it came the big hole, a year when i barely was seeing her and barely texting her and i have no explanation about it. It just happened. But nothing had changed for me, it was still her in my head, even in her absence.
After this year, our class got rearrenged and we got together in the same group for seminars and lab practices. It was like the best thing that could happen to me. It was like a new beginning, a chance that rarely occur. We were together like all the time during school, having cassual conversations and fun along with the rest of the collegues. Bitching about lecturers and college, talking about songs & movies, making others look stupid and all of that kind of stuff. But i never went more intensive, i never could ask her out on a date. I never found the way to tell her how much i like her. I was so dissapointed of myself and with that "the fear" of telling her and getting rejected was growing bigger and bigger everyday.
We were supposed to go for the day of the student to a villa near the town where we were living with our group from college and she was coming too. It didn't go as smoothe as i thought it would... I got drunk the first night so badly i couldn't remember a thing from it but the dance i had with her. The next day i was embarrased of myself and i barely spoked to anybody, especially with her. I told one of my friends about her that day though. On the day we were supposed to go back, my car had a problem with the battery and we were having problems on the way back, had to recharge it in the middle of the road. The guy who knew about her made the perfect moment for me to tell her everything that i had to say. It was just me and her in the car all the way back home, while we were getting pulled by another car, but i couldn't say i word to her, i choked for the countless time. Thanks to my cousin i had to buy cheese and coke and we had something to make fun out of. Then i walked her home and i told her it was on my way anyway, even if it wasn't true. I just wanted to spend as much time as i could with her. I was enjoying even the silence when she was around. But again i couldn't say my name, the time was stopping and i was just staring at her like a freak. When i got into my apartment i was so mad at me i couldn't stand still for a second and i just grabbed the phone and wrote her a message, describing the way i feel about her and how i couldn't do the talk in person, not being able to say a thing to her, even realizing it was way better than a stupid SMS. She responded, that she knew about it ... but she never said anything about if she feels or she doesn't feel the same about me. I had to try again and the response was once again a 2-way street. She was just saying it's not the time to talk about this because she had been in an unusual relationship. I am still sorry for not taking this conversation in person.
She's amazing. Beautiful,funny, friendly, interesting and innocent(one of the best things). I like making out scenarios with her, watching the movie or listening to the song she recommended over and over, watching her being so gorgeous walking down the street, the moments she gets angry and i feel stupid about things i've said, looking at her eyes and getting lost in them...

Is she going to look at me from a different angle if she knew all this? Is she going to like just a little the awkward guy i am? The guy who she's driving crazy? Oh, why i can't make it happen...