This is probably not the right place to confess this. But I don't have the courage to tell this to an actual person sitting in front of me. I don't expect to receive any sympathy in a place like this, "dude grow some balls" or "wow you're lucky lol" is probably the best I can hope for. With no expectation comes no disappointment, I just want to get this off my chest, instead of keeping it all bottled up. Bottling it up has taken too much of a toll.

When I was in 7th grade there was this girl that kept on picking on me. I was pretty used to being picked on at this point. I was (and still am) shy and socially awkward, and I had a fear of fighting back and standing up for myself and then getting kicked out of school. Kids have a finely tuned radar for weakness, and exploit it all too readily. She was one of the worse ones. She wouldn't just pick on me or call me names or throw spitballs at me, she would do things like kick me out of nowhere, or pinch me really hard, or get into a fight with me for something like not getting out of her way and punch me in the stomach, knocking the wind out, or put me in a headlock and squeeze so hard that I thought I was going to pass out. She was a lot bigger than me, sort of fat but also really strong, and I just sort of let her do these things so that she wouldn't get really mad and really hurt me. And I tried to be nice to her and make friends with her, which I tried to do with a lot of my bullies, and sometimes she would be nice for a while and act like she was my friend. I remember during one of those periods she wanted to play mercy, so we did, and I said "mercy" almost immediately but she kept going until I thought my wrists would break. I was left on the floor crying holding my hands, and of course the class thought this was hilarious.

And she did other things which I didn't know how to respond to at all. I heard her singing some song, something like "ooooh baby, ooh baby baby baby" and turn and see her looking straight into my eyes. I just looked down and stood there, feeling weird. She would grab my ass, or "accidentally" feel under my shirt. I was at the point in my development where I was just starting to figure out that girls might not be gross after all, and that it might be nice to kiss one. I didn't know how to handle these things, they left me feeling very confused and nervous and unsure.

I lived in a fairly dingy, crappy neighborhood, and there was one particularly dingy out of the way spot by an old concrete pile I would often go hang out at just because no one else did and I wanted to be alone. I would just sit there until it got dark, then go home and make a hot pocket or pb&j or whatever, do homework and go to bed. This was pretty much my life.

I was at my spot one day after school and she came along, I don't know if she found out I go there or if it was just chance. This was one of the periods where she was my "friend", and so I didn't get out of there but just said "hi" and pretended I was not very unhappy to see her. She was nice to me for a while, but then she started pushing me around. She wanted to wrestle, and even though I said "no" she grabbed me and threw me down on the ground, and I hit my head on a cinder block. It was weird because I didn't think I hit my head very hard at all, but it seemed like all of a sudden my pants were pulled down. She was standing beside me, and her shorts were on the ground by her shoes. I looked up to see her pale thighs and the bushy triangle of hair between them.

She was staring at me with these gleaming eyes, rubbing two fingers down there in a circle. I remember my heart beating so loudly I thought it would burst, feeling like I was spinning and falling. Things get hazy from here, it was like time was jumping from moment to moment. I know she told me to suck her pussy, I don't know if I said "no" or if I was just to scared to say anything but she started swatting at me and I was covering up and cowering. I know she dragged me to a grassy area, and then things become a real blur. I just remember impressions, the pain of her pulling my hair, the pain of her grinding into me and squeezing my head between her thighs, the strong smell and taste, her barking at me to stick out my tongue and wiggle it and to suck her, the choking and gasping for air, and the desperate drive to please her, to make it end, and so she wouldn't get angry and hurt me more. It seemed like it went on forever, but then all of a sudden I was looking up at her pulling up her shorts and walking off, leaving me on the ground.

I wiped off my face as best as I could and ran home. My mind was racing like it never had before. Scenes of what happened played in a loop, over and over. I felt like I was a different person, nothing looked the same. If I saw somebody I took huge detours around them, I couldn't face anyone. There was one thought that kept coming up, over: what if people found out? To me the shame and humiliation would be like the end of the world, so intense that it would literally kill me. The mocking faces, the sneers and pointing fingers and the contempt, which would never go away for the rest of my life, possessed me like an evil spirit. It was like the only goal in my life from then on was to prevent other people ever knowing what happened. When I got home I showered for at least two hours and went straight to bed, but I couldn't sleep at all.

The next day passed like a dream. People would talk to me and I would stare at them but not even know they were there. I was completely in my own world, like a shell had formed between me and reality (it never really left). The only thing that was important was that people don't find out. Everything else was secondary. But I saw her clearly enough. She told me she needed to talk to me really badly after school. So she was going to apologize. Or maybe she was afraid of getting caught and was going to beg me to be quiet about it.

I had no idea how I was going to respond but I needed her to apologize, it would help get things back to normal in my head. I fantasized about her getting on her knees and begging forgiveness, not just for yesterday but for everything she had done to me, and it felt good. She was already there when I got there, sitting on a ledge. I stood there, waiting for her to speak. She told me to get on my knees.

I couldn't believe it. I was so mad, everything went red. I was really going to punch her, after all this time. And then my anger drained as quickly as it came, and was replaced by hopelessness. I couldn't fight her, she would kill me. If I ran away, either she would catch me and things would be way worse, or she would tell everybody. Sure she might get in some trouble, but it wouldn't be anything compared to what would happen to me. There was nothing I could do. I walked forward slowly, looking down, and got on my knees in front of her. My hands were shaking as I reached forward to pull down her shorts for her, but before I did I revealed what a truly weak person I was... I looked up and said "please be nice to me." She just nodded... she was shaking too, but from excitement.

And she was nice to me, a little nicer at least, that time and all the times after that. I learned to appreciate the little kindnesses. I learned what it meant to be someone's bitch. I learned that it went much better for me mentally if I didn't treat the things she did to me as horrible insults and violations of my personal integrity, but rather take the mindset that she was a much better and stronger and worthier person than me, and this was the way things were supposed to be, and the only thing I needed to worry about was making her as happy with me as possible. It made the pain hurt less when she would yank my hair, or hump me so hard I was afraid my nose would break, and dulled the humiliation of her peeing in my mouth, of when she would turn around and bend over and I would have to spread her cheeks and rim her. She was better than me, so it was ok, it was her right.

Like I said I expect no sympathy from anyone. But now I am all alone in life, and I hate myself. I can't be with women becasue the scent of their arousal makes me scared and angry, and I withdraw completely. I feel completely remote from my sexuality. I like to cut myself, but not where people can see. People tell me "you're so handsome I can't believe you're alone why don't you find somebody etc. etc." which makes me want to destroy my face with a knife and show people how ugly I really am on the inside.