The odd thing is that after all the weird threesomes and gangbangs I've been apart of, I'm still trying to recreate that feeling that I had with her when I was 15; that rush and connection with another human being when you're being intimate with them. I think that's why I was so heartbroken after when it was over. I thought that I would never feel that connected to someone ever again. I don't feel that way with my parents (certainly not my father) or my siblings. Loneliness is something that burns us on the inside and it is a slow burn. We look into alcohol, drugs, work, the Internet and a ton of other excuses to fill that void. Some find religion but that is a hollow choice. All the answers are already open and in a book. What's the fun in that??


Many family members of mine have had trouble with substance abuse. I'm no stranger to this at all since I share the same genetic tendencies with them. I feel bits and pieces of it when I sit in my car and am ready to drive to some unknown part of Phoenix. In fact, I think I enjoy the drive to and from more so than I do the actual sexual act. That fear of the unknown. It's one of the few times where I feel fear and excitement at the same time.

But I'm still searching for that moment when I can stare into woman's eyes and say without words "Here I am and I am thankful to spend this small amount of time on this that we have on this planet with you." I can feel these words acting as a conduit between our bodies. But like electricity, there's only so much energy that goes around before it all ends up in the air.

I've only experienced these moments 6 times in my life. The last time it happened was in 2006 and I do fear that there will be a time where there will no longer be opportunity to experience it again.