My entire life has for the most part been nothing but pain and suffering. I've often been told I should write a book about what I've been through, but I can't bring myself to do something like that because I don't want to be known for what I've been through. I do, however, still want to get it off of my chest. This isn't my entire life story, this is what I guess I would consider the "Main events."

As a child, I was horribly abused by both of my parents. My mother beat me viciously on a daily basis and even put me in the hospital several times, where I've been resuscitated from death twice. She was basically a prostitute, she sold herself to keep up with her alcoholism and her gambling habits. I remember her dragging me across the states so she could be with her new boyfriends she always found along the way.

One time in particular sticks out in my mind, her boyfriend in Colorado, Dennis. I was three years old when she'd met Dennis, and shortly after they'd met we'd moved in with Dennis and his son. I don't remember his son's name, but he became my baby sitter. I remember very vividly when my mother would leave to go out on the town with Dennis and I'd be left alone with his son, and always shortly after they'd left he'd check to make sure they were gone. He'd take me into his room and undress me, and set me on his bed naked. He'd undress himself and then pin me down onto the bed and rape me. He always said, "I need to practice for my girlfriend, hold still." I still remember his disgusting face, the way the room looked, and how it smelled. It's been forever burned into my brain, and will more than likely remain for the rest of my life.

Fast forward a bit, and my mother had taken me back to live with my step-father. She up and left out of the blue one day, and I couldn't have been happier. My step-father was distraught and turned to alcohol, and beat me in a drunken rage frequently. Needless to say, the misery returned and at the age of twelve I wept in my room wondering why I was always in so much pain, and why no one loved me.

This drunken abuse lasted until I was fifteen when in my rebellious teenage years I found myself a boyfriend who after dating for a year, turned out to be a schizophrenic psycho. I got into smoking pot, and sex. It was all I'd cared about because they were the only things that made me feel good.

He called his other half "Simon", and "Simon" had an obsession with me. He was always trying to take over, and tried to do things like cutting me, or branding me with fire to make him forever his.

Every time I tried to get out of this relationship with him, he'd beat me and threatened that if I ever said anything to anyone about it he was going to kill my step-father who was the only family I had. I was scared, and had no where to turn.

When I finally had the courage to end the relationship, it was after two years of abuse had already passed. He broke into my apartment that same night looking for my father, and only found me. He tied me up and gagged me, and raped me over and over again until he was done what seemed like an eternity later, and left. I laid on my bed bleeding, crying, and unable to move.

My dad was in the hospital that night, and had been for over a week and a half. His heart was failing, and he was dying. After what I think was a day, I had managed to roll off off my bed onto the floor and get to my phone in the other room by worming my way across the floor. I speed-dialed my friend who came over almost instantaneously because all she could hear was muffled crying and screaming. She found me tied up and untied me, took me to her house and kept me there until my father had been released from the hospital. He never found out what happened.

He died about a month after, in the hospital on the day he was supposed to be released again after his check-up. I never got to say good bye. The last thing I'd ever gotten to say to him was, "I'll see you soon."

After my step-father died, I had no family left, or so I thought. I was lucky enough that a friend of mine took me in and cared for me. I met a guy, I fell in love. However, that happiness was short lived. My friend kicked me out shortly after I met my boyfriend and I ended up having to live with him which put immense strain on our relationship. Having no where else to go, I was literally trapped. He knew this and took advantage of it, basically turned me into a sex slave and his maid. About a year into this abuse I got an e-mail from someone I didn't know, but it was titled with my name and the place I was born, so out of curiosity I clicked on it. It turned out to be from my biological father, whom I had never met before.

Thinking I finally had a chance to have a normal family he offered to care for me, since I was his daughter and he'd always wanted to be in my life I moved in with him, only to find out that even there I wasn't safe. He kept saying things to me like, "If we got a blood test done, and it was proven you weren't my daughter.. Could we have a relationship??" It even went so far as me waking up in the middle of the night to find him sitting at the foot of my bed, touching himself while he watched me sleep. Unlocking the bathroom door to watch me shower, and I even caught him sniffing my used panties as well. I got the fuck out of there, because that was a situation I didn't want to be in. I ended up back as a sex slave because I had no where else to go, all the friends I'd thought I had had turned their backs on me after my step-father had died.

Feeling miserable and alone, and after I'd been dumped by the sex-slaving scumbag I'd attempted to take my own life. I woke up in the hospital, wondering, "Why?? Why can't it just end.." One of my friends who was concerned for me ended up taking me to an anime convention where I'd met a guy. There was something about him I was immediately drawn to but after everything I'd been through up until that point I was too terrified to even speak to him. I saw him again later at the next con I'd went to and ended up devising a plan to speak to him. I'd ran up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey! I've been looking for you!" and when he turned around I'd put on a look of surprise and apologized saying that I'd thought he was my friend that I'd been looking for, but couldn't find. He laughed it off and smiled at me, and said it was no problem and I skittered off, giddy that I'd gotten to speak to him. We'd kept in touch through facebook, and he'd literally saved me.

He ended up taking me in when everyone turned away, and even though I tried desperately not to, I'd fallen for him. Hard. This time it was different. This time he loved me too, I could feel it. It was a mutual unspoken love for awhile, and then I'd finally admitted to him how I felt and he told me he felt the same. We'd attempted to date but it only lasted a few months before we'd decided to just be friends. We became exclusive "friends with benefits", but in my mind I knew we were still dating and just denied it. We still acted like a couple. Eventually it hit a point where he'd told me he could never see a future with me and said we needed to just be friends. Through everything I'd ever been through up until that point, nothing had ever hurt me worse than that did. I smiled weakly and agreed with him, and moved out because living with him and love him that much was killing me inside. He was my guardian angel that had saved me from hell, and threw me into another hell that was not of flame, but of ice. I had never stopped loving him.

Not wanting to live on the streets I turned to the only person I knew I could turn to, and at this point I didn't care about the abuse anymore. I was a broken shell of who I once had been and the worst part about it was that no one knew. They saw the happy facade I put forth and thought nothing more of it. We ended up getting married and he joined the military. Every day, every time we had sex he also pummeled it into my brain that he wanted me to have sex with other men, how hot it'd be, the things he wanted to see me do. It took him two years to break me before I finally caved in and let him have what he wanted. It was a miserable time. This lasted through his first deployment, and when he'd gotten back he had contracted HPV and had a multitude of visible warts. I told him I didn't want to have sex because I didn't know what the growths were, and I had run out of birth control. I woke up one morning to him mounted on top of me, already cumming inside of me. I was mortified.

I ended up pregnant, and he'd gotten deployed again before we'd even confirmed that I was pregnant.

I went through five months of the pregnancy, miserable and defeated. Then one day I'd come to the decision that when the train came that night, I was going to throw myself in front of it. I was tired of it all, all the pain, and abuse. That day, right before I was heading out to catch the train I'd written a message on Facebook saying that I was going to be gone for awhile. I happened to get a message from my Guardian Angel, and my life brightened instantly. We started talking again, and I explained to him all the things that had happened to me since leaving his side and he was horrified by the things I had been through. He told me he regretted ever letting me leave, and how he wished he had had the courage to tell me he didn't want me to go in the first place. He confessed to me that he'd always loved me, and never knew how to show it. Him telling me this, gave me the little flicker of hope that I'd needed.

We continued to talk throughout the rest of my pregnancy and he even Skyped with me the day I gave birth to my daughter, who was originally going up for adoption because I'm going through a divorce. I ended up keeping her and she's the second best thing that has ever happened in my life. The first, being my Angel.

My soon to be ex-husband knows that we're dating, and that in just a couple of months I'm going to be living with my Angel. He knows that our daughter is going to look up to him as her "Daddy". I can see the heartbreak in his eyes every time I mention my love, and how I look forward to seeing him and my daughter together because I know he's going to help me raise her as if she were his very own daughter. He sees how happy my Angel makes me and I see him die a little on the inside every time I smile talking about him. I can't even begin to describe the absolute joy that fills my heart every time I see this man wither away.

If you've made it this far, congratulations you've made it to the end. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and know that I'm not looking for pity.. I was looking for cleansing, and by getting this off my chest live I've desperately wanted to do for years, I've attained just that. I always fervently believed that I would never find happiness, and that I was doomed to a cursed life of pain and suffering.

For anyone who reads this who's been through bad times as well, all I can say is, hold on. Hold on, and one day things will get better. Especially when you honestly think there's nothing left in the world for you.