For whatever reason, I was hit on the most between the ages 11-14 by older men. Several different men that my parents trusted very much. My mother's boss, my karate instructor's boyfriend, my dad's cousin, my mom's best friend who I think she had a crush on.. A few others but those are the most interesting. I would always look back after each time I was fondled or molested and wish I was mature enough to be cooler in those situations. To be all calm and collected and encourage them to go on even though I was shaking like a lead and felt like I was going to pee my pants. I understand my body's reaction and as much as it terrified I was so exhilarated.

The best was my dad's cousin. He was 27, I was 14. My great grandfather had just died and we were staying at an aunts house for the funeral next day. We talked all night and eventually he just looked at me and then looked at the empty spot on the pullout couch next to him. I froze, he was and still is, a stunning spectacle of a man. He did it again and that's all I needed. I was trembling so bad the whole time that I know he had to notice but I pretended to be cool, like I was a pro. I masturbated to that memory for 5 years after that.

On the few occasions I have seen him since, he reveals no recollection of the event. Even writing this post, I am getting wet.

Even though I know all this attention early on had a real effect on me and it scares me to trust even people I am close with my child.. I still miss being a Lolita. It was some heady power I didn't know how to control.