For the last almost 10 years of my marriage, there's been no love, affection, attention, communication, intimacy. We don't touch... we don't fight... we don't even talk. We stay together because I make good money and she basically holds the kids ransom over me. Divorce greatly frightens me. I can not stomach the thought of even a fair split custody agreement, not having my kids half the time. Let alone my biggest fear - her having the kids and me only seeing them infrequently. And I could never imagine fighting for me having full custody as I wouldn't want to take the kids from their mother. I don't want to hurt them, or her. She's a good mother.

Well... I never meant for this to happen, but I met a woman on-line. Not knowing I was married, she was flirting with me, and I enjoyed the attention - but always dodged her subtle come-ons and kept conversation to friendly chatting. I may be unhappy, but I'm faithful. But I told her once it was obvious that the flirting was going beyond my comfort levels - beyond subtle. I said that I'm married, and I like talking with her, but all we could ever be was friends.

For quite some time, that's all we were. But eventually, slowly, feelings developed between us. She was the most funny, intelligent, and amazing woman I'd ever met. Our senses of humor so perfectly meshed, we could have the most wonderfully intelligent conversations. She was easily my best friend. We spoke all day, every day for months. And finally we admitted it to ourselves. We loved one another.

Now our guilty secret hung heavy between us, this affair of the heart. We almost even met face-to-face once, but luckily for us both in our foolishness, circumstances kept it from happening. We both realized that was for the best and decided to never try again - not until I was single. So, we never met, never touched, though we both longed to do so and wrestled with the temptation.

And single I wanted to be. Not just for her, long before I met her I wanted out of this intolerable marriage. I told her, after the holidays, I will start on the divorce. I didn't want to make a divorce my children's Christmas present. I could tell though that her patience was wearing thin.

Before the holidays even came, she was busy... always busy. Too busy to talk, too much stuff going on. The few times we'd get to talk, she'd still tell me that she misses me and loves me. Believing that became harder and harder in the lengthening periods of silence between us. I knew she was drifting away. And the days in between our few messages were filled with longing for her, missing her. Waiting and worrying.

Scared of going through what would be the most difficult and life-changing event I've experienced, I kept putting off divorce. Scared simply of going through it by myself. Without her strength, scared of losing her, how could I face the fear of losing my children as well???? Perhaps it was cowardice on my part, but I needed her.

And we spoke less and less. It was a constant aching, a hole in my heart not to have this amazing, incredible woman to talk to. To laugh with, to share each other's days and experiences with. Days would pass without any words from her, and then finally I'd get a short message. A few words from her was all I had, and then more silence for intolerable days on end.

Finally, a few days ago, what I dreaded happened. She broke things off, said she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Her patience had worn off. It's crushed me. I've spent so long faithful in my marriage... been with the same woman for 14+ years. It has been a very long time indeed since someone has broken my heart. And broken it is... shattered. I am lost.

The guilt of this emotional affair leaves me unable to talk to anyone, not even my closest friends.

I can't stop thinking about her, aching, hurting, missing, and longing. I just wish I could tell her, talk to her, my lost best friend, confidant, my love.

But I do love her, and I want her to be happy. I don't want to string her along, making her wait and hope for what I may never have the courage to do. I don't want to make her wait. She's an amazingly beautiful, funny, intelligent, successful, stable woman who can have her pick of rich male model types. What she ever saw in me, I don't know. The time we had together was amazing and I'm thankful for it.

But boy... do I hurt.

The depression weighs on me so heavily, this missing her. The guilt mingles in to add even more weight.

I must go forward and start working on my divorce. I'm so scared. So confused. Should I go through with the divorce???? Or should I be the man my parents raised, hold to the vows I made those long years ago even if we're both miserable in this sham of a marriage. God, I'd love a chance at happiness. To grow old with a woman I love.

And I know... even if/when divorced, I'll never speak with her again. I won't try, I won't tell her. There will never be an "us".

I missed my chance with the most amazing woman I'd ever met.

Would fate ever give me such a chance again???? Let my path cross with anyone even a sliver of a shadow as amazing as she is???? Likely not. Once in a lifetime opportunities tend to be just that...

So here I sit, pouring out my woes anonymously on the Internet to strangers that'll never likely even read this, nor care. How pitiful.

I'm far too old for this broken-hearted teenager crap.