I lost my virginity three days ago, a couple of months away from turning 21. I've always been somewhat of a prude and I've never been ashamed of it. I felt good about the fact that I was waiting for something special at the right time in my life. Instead, I lost it in a semi-drunken three-way with my friend and her 30 year old fiance.

They were visiting for the night from out of town and I had done up my room for them, moving myself to the couch. Then we did some tequila shots and before I knew it I was grinding with her while he watched from the bed and then we all ended up on the bed together. It started slowly, with some making out and touching, then escalated to titty fucking and oral, both of which were brand new to me. I told them both that the thing on my "no" list was penetration because I was a virgin, and they both respected that. But things just got hotter and faster and wilder and he was fucking her and then she was beside me and he was on top of me and fingering me and rubbing up against me and I just guided him inside of me. And it was incredible. Intensely painful, but my friend was right beside me to comfort me through it and it was great until the pain was too much and I had to ask him to stop.

They both thought it was really special think that I'm really special, and I felt good and safe in the moment, but now it's hard not to feel awful. I feel dirty and like I've ruined myself in some way and that I need to hide this and lie to people for the rest of my life, telling them that the next time I have sex was my first. A traditional first. I hate that I feel that way. I wish I didn't feel ashamed, but I do and it's incredibly isolating. They are both concerned but are giving me space to process this emotionally.

Being sex-positive is so much easier in theory than in self-judgement.