I met a guy who works at the mall where I typically shop. At first I just admired from afar, but eventually needed to make a purchase from him. Before I knew what was happening, he asked me a hundred questions about myself and I can't honestly say whether or not I gave any intelligible response. I walked away in a complete daze. From then on, every time I walked by and caught a glimpse of him, I was suddenly very anxious. Once he had seen me enough times to remember who I was, he wouldn't let me walk by without stopping me to talk. This felt like standing under a spotlight. I couldn't stop smiling and words just escaped me no matter how desperately I searched for some sort of reply. I would walk away feeling almost feverish, my heart actually racing. It was absurd. Eventually I worked up the courage to leave my number with him one day, not yet knowing much about who he was. To my surprise, he messaged me almost immediately. I was disappointed to learn that he was already in a relationship and even more confused when he told me it was an open relationship and that he was interested in hooking up. I already knew the attraction I had was beyond sexual, but after a little coaxing, he persuaded me. We slept together a few times and spoke on the phone between. It was the conversations just after sex that had me hooked. He had one of those lives that made you just want to show him happiness in whatever way you could offer. Unfortunately, all the kisses in the world weren't going to be enough. He had some deep routed problems that made him nearly impossible to stand beside. And if that weren't enough, his girlfriend had become jealous of our relationship which had started to develop into something more meaningful than sex for both of us. He was back on forth on his loyalty to her and to me on almost a daily basis. We said goodbye countless times, but neither of us ever meant it. Everyone says that I deserve better and I know he hasn't given me the kind of commitment I need. He has spent the past month sobering up and today we kissed goodbye for what might really be the last time. I can't even describe this feeling- I'm so happy we left things on a good note and that he is trying to turn his life around. But I'm also heartbroken because I don't want this to be over before it has begun. He has a girl, and even though our relationship was a little bit toxic, I hopelessly want it to be me.