i stretched a condom using a cucumber and ripped hole in the side. i keep it in my nightstand with a good squirt of hand lotion in it and if i wake up next to an obvious drunken mistake, i get it out and start freaking out while screaming: the condom broke! i'm not on the pill! i can't get an abortion!

i've never been bothered by those late night mistakes since i started doing that. they always leave--more like run for their lives, don't want my number, and never bother me at the bar.

i keep one in my purse in a ziplock just in case i don't wake at home.