Bi-Sexual Female / 21
For the past 6 years I have been in love with my oldest brothers friend, ever since he first walked through my front door.
I was only 15 and he was 22 unfortunately--but I knew, he knew, that we should be together. He would sing this song by Jack Johnson -- Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, and point at me during the song. When I was 16 we dated for a few months. He broke up with me because of how embarrassed his parents were..When I was 17, dating someone else by this time, this friend of my brothers, lets call him New Kid, and I began fooling around. We stopped after I got another boyfriend and he found a partner.
We still would catch each others eyes, regardless of who we were with. Before he left on leave he was hoping to spend some quality time with me, however I had a boyfriend so he backed off. About two winters ago when he came back on leave from the service he took me on a date, a real date he called it, since we had to hide our relationship when we were originally together. I wasn't with the guy anymore so we had a really fun time. It was nice spending time with him--but then he had to leave.
We texted a lot but the distance was too much so I tried to move on. I found the guy that I'm with now, who is pretty fantastic...but he just isn't my New Kid..When New Kid came back for his break this last winter, he tried to convince me to sleep with him, to just even kiss him. I wanted to so much but I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't keep cheating on every person I date with this guy.. I need New Kid, but I also need to share my heart with the world.
I'm worried however, I'm worried that I can't share my heart when my heart is so involved, or obsessed, whatever you want to call it, perhaps infatuated with this person. The way my brother put it was that I am emotionally cheating on my boyfriend by having these feelings...and then i realized that it didn't matter how much I tried to forget about him--he would always be there, and I would always be a cheater, regardless if I actually slept with him or just mentally fucked him, I still have involved myself with another man in some form.
I feel so terrible and yet the feeling just drives me to further cling to my boyfriend, to convince myself that this isn't what I am doing, that I'm a good person. I shove gifts, money, food, etc. at my boyfriend to some how convince myself that I can bribe him into loving me.
I don't know if this is really love...all I know is, I haven't been honest. I built this relationship on dishonesty, I don't see how I can ever achieve a real relationship with this guy if I can't even tell the truth to begin with...
The most recent even wasn't even with New Kid, it was another guy, we will call him Ace, Ace and I went to watch a movie at his house. He tired to kiss me and I said no cause I had a boyfriend, yet I still stayed to cuddle...what kind of fucking person does that?? We talked about such in-depth things and I felt so comfortable..I never hung out with him after that..I broke up with my boyfriend for a day and got back together, I didn't have the heart to tell him what happened. I think he would be confused, but I have a feeling I might be more confused then him.
I guess part of me is writing this because I just can't get all of these thoughts straight in my head. I...honestly don't know what else to say, part of me is more confused and upset, my heart hurts worse and I can't keep my thoughts straight on anything...I love too many people, I think my heart is too open.
I was only 15 and he was 22 unfortunately--but I knew, he knew, that we should be together. He would sing this song by Jack Johnson -- Sitting, Waiting, Wishing, and point at me during the song. When I was 16 we dated for a few months. He broke up with me because of how embarrassed his parents were..When I was 17, dating someone else by this time, this friend of my brothers, lets call him New Kid, and I began fooling around. We stopped after I got another boyfriend and he found a partner.
We still would catch each others eyes, regardless of who we were with. Before he left on leave he was hoping to spend some quality time with me, however I had a boyfriend so he backed off. About two winters ago when he came back on leave from the service he took me on a date, a real date he called it, since we had to hide our relationship when we were originally together. I wasn't with the guy anymore so we had a really fun time. It was nice spending time with him--but then he had to leave.
We texted a lot but the distance was too much so I tried to move on. I found the guy that I'm with now, who is pretty fantastic...but he just isn't my New Kid..When New Kid came back for his break this last winter, he tried to convince me to sleep with him, to just even kiss him. I wanted to so much but I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't keep cheating on every person I date with this guy.. I need New Kid, but I also need to share my heart with the world.
I'm worried however, I'm worried that I can't share my heart when my heart is so involved, or obsessed, whatever you want to call it, perhaps infatuated with this person. The way my brother put it was that I am emotionally cheating on my boyfriend by having these feelings...and then i realized that it didn't matter how much I tried to forget about him--he would always be there, and I would always be a cheater, regardless if I actually slept with him or just mentally fucked him, I still have involved myself with another man in some form.
I feel so terrible and yet the feeling just drives me to further cling to my boyfriend, to convince myself that this isn't what I am doing, that I'm a good person. I shove gifts, money, food, etc. at my boyfriend to some how convince myself that I can bribe him into loving me.
I don't know if this is really love...all I know is, I haven't been honest. I built this relationship on dishonesty, I don't see how I can ever achieve a real relationship with this guy if I can't even tell the truth to begin with...
The most recent even wasn't even with New Kid, it was another guy, we will call him Ace, Ace and I went to watch a movie at his house. He tired to kiss me and I said no cause I had a boyfriend, yet I still stayed to cuddle...what kind of fucking person does that?? We talked about such in-depth things and I felt so comfortable..I never hung out with him after that..I broke up with my boyfriend for a day and got back together, I didn't have the heart to tell him what happened. I think he would be confused, but I have a feeling I might be more confused then him.
I guess part of me is writing this because I just can't get all of these thoughts straight in my head. I...honestly don't know what else to say, part of me is more confused and upset, my heart hurts worse and I can't keep my thoughts straight on anything...I love too many people, I think my heart is too open.
