Straight Female / 45
I love my husband, I really do. But he frustrates me so much. I think he's gambling again. He leaves me alone many many nights. He doesn't come home until late... He blows up sometimes if I call & "Check on him". I'm basically just so lonely without him here. But he'd blow a stack if he knew I was typing this about him.
I honestly have thought in past about trying to find an on-line boy-friend type of man, that I can just talk to, confide in, share jokes with, laugh... someone who will appreciate my mind. Who doesn't think i'm over oppressing him. I just want someone to value me for who I am.
A couple years ago.. I almost did this. I almost emotionally went out there to find a site. Was thinking about it hard... then I happened to run across an old boyfriend... from almost 30 years ago. Funny how when you see someone, old memories come drudging back. I hadn't thought about that guy for gosh... at least 26 years. I've been married for 23.5 years now. I never really had reason to start daydreaming or fantasizing about old beaus since I married.. Well, when I saw him at the store.. He was with his daughter. I was with my husband, and I didn't dare even look at the man very long. (Hubby was in a pissy mood that night). I glanced & kind of sadly smiled at him. I thought.. gosh, I'd love to ask you how things are going.. etc...
So.. next time hubby left me all night, I thought, what the heck... I looked up the old friend on facebook. I made up a new secret account and emailed this guy. He actually emailed me back & we corresponded with emails for a while. He's happily married.. a couple kids.. life going quite well. But, he's a carer-- Meaning, he's a nice guy. He wouldn't be rude & tell me to shove off. So, when I'd sit & complain about my hubby or work in emails, he'd just let me treat him like a free therapist. Really, nothing romantic or anything like that was said. We talked a little bit about high school days, but mostly how we changed since then.
Well, after a while, I came to the realization, that I really do love hubby. I don't want to hurt him. I knew that if he found out , that he'd be extremely hurt, and would probably divorce me. I feel that the old boyfriend had saved my marriage. I was glad I had bounced thoughts off him... That I HADN'T actually found a chat site & gotten emotionally involved with an online boyfriend. But, I knew I was being unfair to my husband.. being unfair to the guy & to the guys wife too. I was opening up & sharing things with him, that I should have shared with my husband. I'm glad he essentially stopped me from cheating on my husband, but knew that I was starting to have feelings of crossing the friendship line. So, I kinda told him hubby is too jealous and things were going to stop.
So it basically ended. Now forward a couple years. I'm back to the "lonely, really wanting someone to value me" stage. Husband is hanging out with friends more & more, and leaving me at home. Not taking me with him when he goes to his sisters.. etc.
I had sent a quick email a few weeks ago to the guy. He emailed back how busy he is right now & a kid graduating.. and how were things. I emailed back once, but no correspondence since. I take that as a sign that I should not contact him anymore. But OHH...Sometimes, I want so bad, to find someone .. some male... that I can confide in. That I can laugh with.. joke with.. that will let me cry on his shoulder. Part of me wants to look up the online sites,and find someone to converse with. But other times, I know it's wrong. I know I don't want to cheat on my husband. I know he would leave me if He knew I emailed or chatted with ANYONE other than the few female friends he has approved of.
Gosh.. do I do it?? Do i say , heck with it... If I was important to hubby, he'd be here. I'd have him to talk to instead of me fantasizing about contacting the old high shcool friend.. or fantasizing about finding an on-line male friend.
I honestly have thought in past about trying to find an on-line boy-friend type of man, that I can just talk to, confide in, share jokes with, laugh... someone who will appreciate my mind. Who doesn't think i'm over oppressing him. I just want someone to value me for who I am.
A couple years ago.. I almost did this. I almost emotionally went out there to find a site. Was thinking about it hard... then I happened to run across an old boyfriend... from almost 30 years ago. Funny how when you see someone, old memories come drudging back. I hadn't thought about that guy for gosh... at least 26 years. I've been married for 23.5 years now. I never really had reason to start daydreaming or fantasizing about old beaus since I married.. Well, when I saw him at the store.. He was with his daughter. I was with my husband, and I didn't dare even look at the man very long. (Hubby was in a pissy mood that night). I glanced & kind of sadly smiled at him. I thought.. gosh, I'd love to ask you how things are going.. etc...
So.. next time hubby left me all night, I thought, what the heck... I looked up the old friend on facebook. I made up a new secret account and emailed this guy. He actually emailed me back & we corresponded with emails for a while. He's happily married.. a couple kids.. life going quite well. But, he's a carer-- Meaning, he's a nice guy. He wouldn't be rude & tell me to shove off. So, when I'd sit & complain about my hubby or work in emails, he'd just let me treat him like a free therapist. Really, nothing romantic or anything like that was said. We talked a little bit about high school days, but mostly how we changed since then.
Well, after a while, I came to the realization, that I really do love hubby. I don't want to hurt him. I knew that if he found out , that he'd be extremely hurt, and would probably divorce me. I feel that the old boyfriend had saved my marriage. I was glad I had bounced thoughts off him... That I HADN'T actually found a chat site & gotten emotionally involved with an online boyfriend. But, I knew I was being unfair to my husband.. being unfair to the guy & to the guys wife too. I was opening up & sharing things with him, that I should have shared with my husband. I'm glad he essentially stopped me from cheating on my husband, but knew that I was starting to have feelings of crossing the friendship line. So, I kinda told him hubby is too jealous and things were going to stop.
So it basically ended. Now forward a couple years. I'm back to the "lonely, really wanting someone to value me" stage. Husband is hanging out with friends more & more, and leaving me at home. Not taking me with him when he goes to his sisters.. etc.
I had sent a quick email a few weeks ago to the guy. He emailed back how busy he is right now & a kid graduating.. and how were things. I emailed back once, but no correspondence since. I take that as a sign that I should not contact him anymore. But OHH...Sometimes, I want so bad, to find someone .. some male... that I can confide in. That I can laugh with.. joke with.. that will let me cry on his shoulder. Part of me wants to look up the online sites,and find someone to converse with. But other times, I know it's wrong. I know I don't want to cheat on my husband. I know he would leave me if He knew I emailed or chatted with ANYONE other than the few female friends he has approved of.
Gosh.. do I do it?? Do i say , heck with it... If I was important to hubby, he'd be here. I'd have him to talk to instead of me fantasizing about contacting the old high shcool friend.. or fantasizing about finding an on-line male friend.
