Looking around, all I seem to find are stories that are either "OMG I just fucked!" or some tale that reads like cheap smut. Maybe a plausable one here or there. Not sure if this makes my own story, placed among all these, less or more in anyone's mind. I shouldn't care, really; this is not meant to be a sort of pity party. I just suddenly felt i needed to tell someone a few things. Of course that goes without saying that this is all true, but really--who cares???????? I'd also like to add that these are pretty embarrassing, and that if it werent for anonimity, id never say a word.

I can't really remember my first sexual experience. I know that as a child, i was a bit... Strange, by most standards. The farthest back i can remember was a period of time spent in school up in New York, during which i always tried to get the dreaded place in front of a very grabby boy when we children were lined up. I loved the feeling of his hands going down my pants, slipping in to explore whatever he could while the teacher's back was to us. It was only with the ridicule of the others who knew full well what was going on that i stopped.

Later on, still very young, i started becoming more curious. But not with eople, exactly. At my age, other people would think i was sick, i Knew they would, especially if they knew my interest in our family's two dogs. I was going through a stage f wishing to be a canine myself, but that doesn't matter. What does here, is that i would often rub them, trying to get them horny enough to hump me as the neighbor's large dog always did. I was there, a slip of a kid, inside the doghouse laying on all fours and near tears with need. The poor baffled dogs would lick me, which only made it all the worse.

As sex-crazed as i was, i'd had to look elsewhere. The mother's boyfriend of the time had naughty videos, i knew, so i only bidded my time, waiting for a chance to get my hands on them. When the chance finally came, it was while the big sdter was at wrk, and both adults were out, leaving me with the little sister. I set her to watch out the window while i played the porn on our dvd player. She would often try to talk me out of it, but i was Hooked. The incident went by with no one knowing but us. Oftentimes after that, since we still bathed and slept together, we would play at having sex in the shower, or in the bed. I'd grind on her and we would make all the sounds and she would pretend to b pregnant and have a child. Those games lasted a long while before i decided to stoop it, before we were caught. To this day, i still fear her remembering that, want to bring it up but shy away from the subject because i don't want to make her remember.

Looking back at those, it seems only fitting that these confessions end with this one. I dont remember ages well, but i do know i had just completed my first year of middle school when the mother's boyfriend left her for the landowner of the trailor park we were forced into living at when he refused to pay the rent on our once home. He moved into another trailor of the same place, leaving us with no electricity, no way of paying the next bill on the house, and a flea infestation that made the game "The Floor Is Lava" very practical for avoiding a walk on dense carpeting that would leave a white sock coated with those little dark parasites. We sought shlterr with an old man i later learned had been around 86 at the time, who watched after a few sort of ranches for some rich gringo. It was a poor excuse for shelter, pieces of metal and wood making a one room shack, but it was better than the streets we feared being thrown out on. I remember mom always told us to alert her if he ever "touched us", which i thought was weird--why live with soeone you dont trust with us???????? Would he really do that???????? That's SICK! Ah, but considering how i've been, i could hardly say anything. I kept silent and nodded, as i usually did. I really couldnt imagine the guy who took me out to feed the cows on the other properties he raised animals on looking at me that way. It was both frightening and a little... Exciting. I was curious. I wanted him to make advances. And he did.

It was just a kiss at first. He offered me a fifty, for a kiss. Broke as we were, i thought of mothers happiness when i brought that bill to her, and agreed, offering my cheek. He didnt want that, though, so i puckered up. Not that either, no, he pointed to the inside of my thigh, saying in his heavily accented spanglish that hed said a kiss There. I went along with it, both because money and experimentation. Ill say now that he was Not attractive by any stretch of the iagiation, with a giant swollen red bulb of a nose, and his mustache in the infuriating Mexican cut made any contact with it uncomfortable, but i didnt care. Not even the fact that he couldnt really get me off mattered. He gave me money and i was getting a little attention. I knew what i was doing, had thought it over, and accepted his money. Silent i was, completely disgusting i felt, but i figured i could live with it. He wouldnt enter me for some reason, which did make me wonder whether he was afraid i would tell. that was a joke. After i grew bored and he stopped paying for it, i still kept letting him masturbate on me because i was scared he would get angry and throw us out. I let him do whatever he bwanted, wherever, while i drifted off in my mind. Car, in a private area that was near the road enough to be seen???????? Sure. In the barn, with the shack and family only a few feet away???????? Why not????????

This lasted until we moved out, headed for Virginia. My mother faked us into a battered womans shelter for section eight housing, i attended school there, and some close calls and a few personality adjustments, im here. Though somewhere between here and ther, ive taken to building a persona of myself online, of the opposite sex from what i am. When im feeling like kicking myself for all the questions about identity it has brought up, as well as all the friends i have made through this persona the i have outright Ababandoned whenever they got a little too close for my liking, i wonder if all this is just me, or the events that others would call trauma, or some mix of it all. At the moment i am trying to disconnect myself from two people who have taken a romantic/sexual interest in me, though foolishly got soft and got back in contact with them. I know that will only hurt them more, since i plan on disappearing again on at least one, and either vanisfhing or breaking a plan made with the other, as well as rejecting the affection i had returned until it got to this point where i just dont want to speak to her because of the shame and fear.

Long story short: i fucked up my childhood, wished i could fuck dogs, let an old man (sort of????????) fuck me, and i think that may be why i fucked up my life. Also, as mentioned above, i am pretty much fucked as to how any close future social activity will go for a while.