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Women Only
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Straight Female / 33
I know this is supposed to be a sexy little confession site. But this isn't sexy. This is a dangerous situation and I was going to post this elsewhere on Reddit in a 'why do you hate your friend's SO' thread, but it's not anonymous enough there. I googled 'anonymous confessions' and ended up here. So here it will go.
My best friend and her ex are in a physically abusive relationship. They own a condo together, and they're going through what is essentially an extremely nasty divorce without the actual marriage part. She knows he's crazy and knows she needs to leave, but she "can't."
They get into physical fights regularly. She came over last night with bruises on her arms. I've offered for her to come stay in my guest bedroom for free numerous times. She refuses and acts like it's not a big deal because she just fights back and is physically stronger than him.
She tells me that he's threatened to destroy the condo and stop paying the mortgage if she just leaves, so she stays and they live together in separate rooms as 'roommates.' She's thought about forcing him to leave by getting a restraining order. I've said YES YES YES. GET ONE. But she feels that is an extreme last resort, and the guys father will try to get legally involved since he gave them money for a down payment on their condo.
He pulls creepy shit on her, like walking around naked. She's woken up in her bedroom before and found him standing next to her bed naked with an erection. He's broken doors and written crazy shit on her bathroom mirror (KILL OR BE KILLED, something she said to him the first time they got into a physical fight and he mentioned he was surprised at how she fought back) and pesters her about her new relationship. He demands to know where she is going, who she's with, what she spends HER money on. IT'S NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS. NONE OF IT. As long as she pays her half of the finances, he has no fucking right to question anything.
He refuses to refinance is his name only and take her name off the mortgage and deed. She's agreed to just GIVE him the condo and walk away if he will just refinance and take her name off. He's exerting the last bit for control he has over her and it makes me want to hurt him. I have to be polite when I go over, because anything anyone says to him, he just takes out on her as soon as they leave.
I feel so worthless, and she won't accept my help. It's right there, I just keep showing her the fucking door to help and safely and she won't walk through it. Sure, she's physically stronger than him, and she can defend herself, but he still leaves bruises up and down her arms when they fight, and she acts like it's ok because she just fights back with him. There are ways of overcoming someone stronger than you. She refuses to accept that she is a vulnerable party in this situation.
Everyone tells me I've done what I can by offering my two spare rooms to her for both her and all her pets (she has a lot of small pets, on top of three cats and a dog) but I feel like that is just a shallow offer because I always know she won't accept it no matter how much I offer. That's just how she is with everything. She will never accept a handout, even in a situation like this.
I feel like I am normalizing and accepting this kind of behavior by saying nothing and acting like everything is hunky doorey when I go over. I hate seeing his face. I hate having to be polite to him since I am in his house and home. I feel like being neutral to the guy when I go over is essentially saying 'it's ok to treat her like this.'
It's awful and I feel like a fuck up of a friend. He's fucking insane.
My mother has suggested that I tell her that she can either choose to walk away from him and the condo and accept my help, OR she can kiss my friendship goodbye, a tough love intervention sort of move. I have known her for over 20 years. I don't think she will respond to that at all, and it won't be a wake up call. I know she will walk from my friendship.
I don't really need advice. I know what I need to do, I just haven't worked up the courage to do it, and it needs to happen soon.
My best friend and her ex are in a physically abusive relationship. They own a condo together, and they're going through what is essentially an extremely nasty divorce without the actual marriage part. She knows he's crazy and knows she needs to leave, but she "can't."
They get into physical fights regularly. She came over last night with bruises on her arms. I've offered for her to come stay in my guest bedroom for free numerous times. She refuses and acts like it's not a big deal because she just fights back and is physically stronger than him.
She tells me that he's threatened to destroy the condo and stop paying the mortgage if she just leaves, so she stays and they live together in separate rooms as 'roommates.' She's thought about forcing him to leave by getting a restraining order. I've said YES YES YES. GET ONE. But she feels that is an extreme last resort, and the guys father will try to get legally involved since he gave them money for a down payment on their condo.
He pulls creepy shit on her, like walking around naked. She's woken up in her bedroom before and found him standing next to her bed naked with an erection. He's broken doors and written crazy shit on her bathroom mirror (KILL OR BE KILLED, something she said to him the first time they got into a physical fight and he mentioned he was surprised at how she fought back) and pesters her about her new relationship. He demands to know where she is going, who she's with, what she spends HER money on. IT'S NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS. NONE OF IT. As long as she pays her half of the finances, he has no fucking right to question anything.
He refuses to refinance is his name only and take her name off the mortgage and deed. She's agreed to just GIVE him the condo and walk away if he will just refinance and take her name off. He's exerting the last bit for control he has over her and it makes me want to hurt him. I have to be polite when I go over, because anything anyone says to him, he just takes out on her as soon as they leave.
I feel so worthless, and she won't accept my help. It's right there, I just keep showing her the fucking door to help and safely and she won't walk through it. Sure, she's physically stronger than him, and she can defend herself, but he still leaves bruises up and down her arms when they fight, and she acts like it's ok because she just fights back with him. There are ways of overcoming someone stronger than you. She refuses to accept that she is a vulnerable party in this situation.
Everyone tells me I've done what I can by offering my two spare rooms to her for both her and all her pets (she has a lot of small pets, on top of three cats and a dog) but I feel like that is just a shallow offer because I always know she won't accept it no matter how much I offer. That's just how she is with everything. She will never accept a handout, even in a situation like this.
I feel like I am normalizing and accepting this kind of behavior by saying nothing and acting like everything is hunky doorey when I go over. I hate seeing his face. I hate having to be polite to him since I am in his house and home. I feel like being neutral to the guy when I go over is essentially saying 'it's ok to treat her like this.'
It's awful and I feel like a fuck up of a friend. He's fucking insane.
My mother has suggested that I tell her that she can either choose to walk away from him and the condo and accept my help, OR she can kiss my friendship goodbye, a tough love intervention sort of move. I have known her for over 20 years. I don't think she will respond to that at all, and it won't be a wake up call. I know she will walk from my friendship.
I don't really need advice. I know what I need to do, I just haven't worked up the courage to do it, and it needs to happen soon.
