Straight Female / 20
I'm in a long distance relationship. I'm in college and met my boyfriend during an internship in across the country. There was an instant connection. He wasn't really my type, but we hung out a lot, got to know each other and I really liked him. We worked together at a restaurant, spent a lot of time together but never seemed to get sick of each other. One night, when I was wrapped in his arms, feeling so incredibly in love with him, he told me he loved me for the first time. 4 months passed, and my internship ended. I had to go back to school. We decided to do the long-distance thing. I left in March and would graduate in November. I planned on visiting in July, during my summer break.
At school, on the opposite side of the country, was my ex. Who had been messaging me while I was on my internship, telling me how much he loved me and missed me. It had been 8 months since I'd seen him. It ended very one-sided. He said we didn't have the same core values that are important for this long-term relationship to work. I was heartbroken. I left him in August of the previous year, and met my new guy in November. I met this man and I thought all of my feelings for my ex were gone. I was seriously the happiest I had ever been in my life. I know I'm only 20, but still. I did not have a care in the world, because I had an amazing man, an amazing job in the best city ever (San Francisco). When I returned to school, my world got turned upside down and ripped apart. Most of it was my fault, but let me explain first. I saw him for the first time in almost a year, my ex. I live on a small campus, so it was unavoidable. He helped me move my things in the first day back in April. I realized how much I had missed him. Him being so perfect in my eyes. He gave me one of those lingering hugs and smelled my hair. I had missed him SO much. Just the smell of him brought back painful memories. I should have stayed away. Knowing how much future pain this would cause me, I didn't listen to my instincts. I was sure I wanted him back. He showed me the affection that my boyfriend that was 3,000 miles away couldn't. He was familiar and comfortable and I really wanted to just throw him on my bed and fuck him until he couldn't anymore. This is when it all started. We spent a lot of time together. He would come to my room late at night, just to keep me company when I couldn't sleep, or to cuddle. There would be an occasional blow job or fuck. When I say occasional, I mean about once a week. In the back of my mind the entire time, would be my boyfriend. I told myself it would be okay, that I would be able to deal with the guilt. I told myself that for 3 months. I would spend the night with my ex on a regular basis. I stopped answering my boyfriends calls because of it. I had no remorse. I wasn't thinking about my destructive behavior, because I was having fun, until everything got much, much worse.
The day my ex helped me move in, he met my roommate. A cute girl from Pennsylvania with fake red hair that was very flirty. He was flirty himself, but as soon as he met her, I could tell he was interested. He would always tell me how cute he thought she was, knowing exactly how I felt about him. He was the type of guy that LIKED to talk about feelings. He wanted to know everything on my mind at that time, and would give advice the best he could, even if my problem was him. This man was the exact opposite of my current boyfriend in every way possible. Time passed and he started hanging out with her, saying she was "tutoring" him, but I know she wasn't. He was completely honest with me about how he felt about her, to my knowledge (and if you knew him, he oozed honesty, no matter who it hurt. He would always tell me the truth). They started spending more time together and it was slowly driving me crazy. I wasn't just fucking him. I became obsessed. Always wondering what he was doing, if he was with her, why he was ignoring me. I pushed aside the man that actually cared about me, who was 3,000 miles away. I still talked to him, acted like nothing happened. My ex would tell me how much he liked my roommate but would still fuck me. Why I put up with this, I don't know. I went through a period of 2 months where I would cry my eyes out on a daily basis because of him. I couldn't even go back to my own room without having these feelings because in my eyes, I lived with the woman that was stealing him from me, though he wasn't mine. He was my best friend. And now he was focusing all his time on her instead of me. It hurt like hell. It was so bad, I even considered transferring schools, to the campus in California so I could be closer to my man. How unfair and selfish that sounds.. I was so selfish for 3 months of our relationship. Not only fucking this guy, but being an emotional prisoner. I loved my boyfriend and felt like I loved my ex as well. Now i'm realizing that I think it was only because I couldn't have him, that I was so.. OBSESSED with him. My roommate graduated 3 weeks before I went on summer break. Those last 3 weeks, he spent with me. I still felt almost no guilt. My boyfriend stopped answering my calls and texts about a month before I came. I was so confused, so angry, especially since all of this was happening at once. I wanted, NEEDED, him to be my rock. And he wasn't there because I neglected him. And now I'm paying the price.
2 weeks ago, I went on summer break. Went to San Francisco to see my boyfriend for a couple weeks. As soon as I saw him, I wanted to throw up. WHAT HAD I BEEN DOING. I look at him, and I ask myself why. Why would I hurt this man that made me so blissfully happy! I cheated on him, physically and emotionally with a man that just made my time at school completely miserable. It was a waste. A complete and utter waste of tears and all that goddamn anxiety. It affected my daily life, my relationships, my school, my PASSION. No man should do that. No woman should let a man do that, but I did. And in turn, my relationship with my boyfriend is completely FUCKED because the fact that I can't be trusted (even thought he knows none of this) is leaking into my confidence and my trust in him. He got about 4 days off in the total 2 weeks I spent with him. He would go out to the bar after work, knowing I was waiting for him. And suspiciously had a new friend, a close friend, that was a girl. I still am skeptical about her, but I would be on his case every night. About something about her, him always texting her, etc. I wasted the short amount of time that we had arguing with him, and why???????? Because I had been unfaithful and started to doubt whether he was being faithful or not. I completely fucked everything up because I couldn't make a decision, the right decision. I was so selfish and this guilt is eating me alive inside. I love my boyfriend, and I had to leave once again, to go back to school. I won't be permanently back in California for about 4 months.. All I want to do is be with him and build our deteriorating relationship back up. He tells me he can do it, that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt that, though I'm sure it's all in my head.
I am so sorry for everything I did. It was the worst decision I have ever made.
At school, on the opposite side of the country, was my ex. Who had been messaging me while I was on my internship, telling me how much he loved me and missed me. It had been 8 months since I'd seen him. It ended very one-sided. He said we didn't have the same core values that are important for this long-term relationship to work. I was heartbroken. I left him in August of the previous year, and met my new guy in November. I met this man and I thought all of my feelings for my ex were gone. I was seriously the happiest I had ever been in my life. I know I'm only 20, but still. I did not have a care in the world, because I had an amazing man, an amazing job in the best city ever (San Francisco). When I returned to school, my world got turned upside down and ripped apart. Most of it was my fault, but let me explain first. I saw him for the first time in almost a year, my ex. I live on a small campus, so it was unavoidable. He helped me move my things in the first day back in April. I realized how much I had missed him. Him being so perfect in my eyes. He gave me one of those lingering hugs and smelled my hair. I had missed him SO much. Just the smell of him brought back painful memories. I should have stayed away. Knowing how much future pain this would cause me, I didn't listen to my instincts. I was sure I wanted him back. He showed me the affection that my boyfriend that was 3,000 miles away couldn't. He was familiar and comfortable and I really wanted to just throw him on my bed and fuck him until he couldn't anymore. This is when it all started. We spent a lot of time together. He would come to my room late at night, just to keep me company when I couldn't sleep, or to cuddle. There would be an occasional blow job or fuck. When I say occasional, I mean about once a week. In the back of my mind the entire time, would be my boyfriend. I told myself it would be okay, that I would be able to deal with the guilt. I told myself that for 3 months. I would spend the night with my ex on a regular basis. I stopped answering my boyfriends calls because of it. I had no remorse. I wasn't thinking about my destructive behavior, because I was having fun, until everything got much, much worse.
The day my ex helped me move in, he met my roommate. A cute girl from Pennsylvania with fake red hair that was very flirty. He was flirty himself, but as soon as he met her, I could tell he was interested. He would always tell me how cute he thought she was, knowing exactly how I felt about him. He was the type of guy that LIKED to talk about feelings. He wanted to know everything on my mind at that time, and would give advice the best he could, even if my problem was him. This man was the exact opposite of my current boyfriend in every way possible. Time passed and he started hanging out with her, saying she was "tutoring" him, but I know she wasn't. He was completely honest with me about how he felt about her, to my knowledge (and if you knew him, he oozed honesty, no matter who it hurt. He would always tell me the truth). They started spending more time together and it was slowly driving me crazy. I wasn't just fucking him. I became obsessed. Always wondering what he was doing, if he was with her, why he was ignoring me. I pushed aside the man that actually cared about me, who was 3,000 miles away. I still talked to him, acted like nothing happened. My ex would tell me how much he liked my roommate but would still fuck me. Why I put up with this, I don't know. I went through a period of 2 months where I would cry my eyes out on a daily basis because of him. I couldn't even go back to my own room without having these feelings because in my eyes, I lived with the woman that was stealing him from me, though he wasn't mine. He was my best friend. And now he was focusing all his time on her instead of me. It hurt like hell. It was so bad, I even considered transferring schools, to the campus in California so I could be closer to my man. How unfair and selfish that sounds.. I was so selfish for 3 months of our relationship. Not only fucking this guy, but being an emotional prisoner. I loved my boyfriend and felt like I loved my ex as well. Now i'm realizing that I think it was only because I couldn't have him, that I was so.. OBSESSED with him. My roommate graduated 3 weeks before I went on summer break. Those last 3 weeks, he spent with me. I still felt almost no guilt. My boyfriend stopped answering my calls and texts about a month before I came. I was so confused, so angry, especially since all of this was happening at once. I wanted, NEEDED, him to be my rock. And he wasn't there because I neglected him. And now I'm paying the price.
2 weeks ago, I went on summer break. Went to San Francisco to see my boyfriend for a couple weeks. As soon as I saw him, I wanted to throw up. WHAT HAD I BEEN DOING. I look at him, and I ask myself why. Why would I hurt this man that made me so blissfully happy! I cheated on him, physically and emotionally with a man that just made my time at school completely miserable. It was a waste. A complete and utter waste of tears and all that goddamn anxiety. It affected my daily life, my relationships, my school, my PASSION. No man should do that. No woman should let a man do that, but I did. And in turn, my relationship with my boyfriend is completely FUCKED because the fact that I can't be trusted (even thought he knows none of this) is leaking into my confidence and my trust in him. He got about 4 days off in the total 2 weeks I spent with him. He would go out to the bar after work, knowing I was waiting for him. And suspiciously had a new friend, a close friend, that was a girl. I still am skeptical about her, but I would be on his case every night. About something about her, him always texting her, etc. I wasted the short amount of time that we had arguing with him, and why???????? Because I had been unfaithful and started to doubt whether he was being faithful or not. I completely fucked everything up because I couldn't make a decision, the right decision. I was so selfish and this guilt is eating me alive inside. I love my boyfriend, and I had to leave once again, to go back to school. I won't be permanently back in California for about 4 months.. All I want to do is be with him and build our deteriorating relationship back up. He tells me he can do it, that he loves me, but sometimes I doubt that, though I'm sure it's all in my head.
I am so sorry for everything I did. It was the worst decision I have ever made.
