I had rape fantasies at the age of 5 from deep trauma with in laws when I was much younger. they loved to party.

I didn't really know what rape was but with this man touching me up and hurting me it may as well been rape to a child especially when he hit me.

I was a child with a nervous disposition young. the feelings of fear surrounded me on the farm with the house fire and the way of life. people turning up all the time. racing dogs barking that they won prizes but I hated them so much for killing my cats kittens... I still feel traumatised by that thought today ...those fucking mongrel dogs killing my cats kittens was so upsetting for me at the age of 4. as a little girl I loved kittens for their softness and they need protection from the world and there was nothing I could do. but scream and scream and scream.

the house fire was traumatic for us because we lost so much valuables that were decades old... antique old telephones and sentimental things, a piano and prize dresses, cars, etc

bullets fired off everywhere and tvs exploded. I trembled at the sight of a dog or match being lit or a man walking past me.

yet there had been a time that farm had been beautiful with rows and rows of flowers and fruits. our grandparents had horses, pigs, cattle, bee hives and some land, dams and farming equipment.

my grandmothers drinking drove everyone nuts... she was so abusive that I would freeze and stare into pace not knowing how to handle her. I seen her do some numbers all right.

all I recall in the 1970s was hell on earth... my sister blinded me with sawdust ... actually hurt and frightened me not being able to see for half a day is frightening to a 4 year old. all I could do was scream in pain while my father flushed my eyes out in the garden with water.

the garden was nice with fruit plants, asparagus plants and some flowers in those days.

my uncle was touching up me on his bed. then my sister started saying "do you remember this or that" every start of a new university year to upset me. well it sure did fuck me up.

I would say "no I don't remember and I don't want to"... but bit by bit I was.

like I seen david o and something twigged to me that this may sound stupid that he should not care about me but I want him to. just anyone to save me out of this shit and from the rapist. if I say I want sex that is very different to out right raping a virgin. anything to be free of being forced into sex that was wrong for me. like rick had wanted porn. forced fucking in public was not my idea... as much as I like some sexual things in unlikely abandoned places etc but these guys took it too far.


my grandmother would burn me with cigarettes while under the weather... even if it was an accident or not intended she should not been doing it because it hurt and upset me.


my early childhood I recall being with in laws and going to parties at other peoples places young... they liked to party heaps in those days. but on the farm our lives was so different. everything was massively conservative and it was like out of a movie really... like a piorot movie (there were plenty of who done it tales in those witchy woods) with white fences and conservative old fashioned furniture and very antique colors paint on walls etc.

you did not disobey men at all was the golden rule then. but my mother would dress me up in pretty dresses and bows and ribbons and that was all I cared about back then in between all the abuse and shit. later I hardly had any pretty clothes.