its like with sex I can fuck and have an orgasm and that means nothing but a fuck, yet hate it when men fuck me and get sexual pleasure from my body and like to push them off me when they orgasm or when they fuck me or touch me, especially when it was men i did not like I often pushed the UNDESIRABLES away as they were the main ones who tried with me and forced themselves on me ... why am I like that most of my childhood and teens and twenties I had that fear but craved a boyfriend. yet hated and loathed the idea of a man getting sexual pleasure from my dirty ugly body. what is wrong with me?? these are the things I wanted to talk to with someone about. maybe it was a fear of getting pregnant that orgasm represented the flow of sperm??

yet I wanted a nice guy to desire me but was a little afraid, and that is the same with having a baby. fear of getting pregnant but want to have a baby. I once was so scared that when the phile came with sperm all over my pussy area not once but a few times. but when i was 12 just after my periods had started when i was 11 (after that I stopped getting on top of him so much as he had wanted me to all the time) as a child I could get pregnant and I wanted to kill myself or kill the fetus inside of me so I attempted to do that, would I be a baby killer in my own body. do women do that?? serial fetus killers?? for attention like those disorders of illness to get attention all the time. fear of something with fetuses and pregnancy and pain of birth. is that me??


I told a lady today how I just can not stand the idea of a man taking sexual pleasure in my body that it makes me feel dirty and awful and would do almost anything to avoid having to feel that feeling especially from UNDESIREABLES but then it lead to all men, FUCK I want to break the habit. it just reminds me of phile or rapist or them getting off molesting me then violently masturbating me like a dog when I was a child til I shook and felt faint and that revolted me for the feeling of fear that I recall.

I could orgasm myself out of anger but hated the feeling but did it anyway, and yet hated the feeling of a man orgasming on me, yet felt it and felt like I wanted to throw up. why these feelings?? these are the things I needed to talk to the therapist about but she would not let me. I just do not want to find out that I have been lied to and I doey-thinkith of me like a dog?? would betray me (I sincerely need him and not him see me as revolting and gross). that he would have been playing a dirty game on me the whole time hurting me deliberately making a fool of me. when I did not need that. I do not want to see this man fucking my sister and relatives like they are better or more special then me and thinking it is funny hurting me, when all these 25 years I have needed a boyfriend and I think things would not have escaladed so far. why can't they share him around with me?? why am I excluded he is not my real father, its just a fantasy I said.