Sometimes I hate myself and feel disgusted by the things that turn me on and the people I like. I knew I always had a fucked up preference regarding sex, and after I turned 23 things only got worse.

Earlier in the year that I turned 13 I had my first kiss, and it was the first time a boy touched me. It was my cousin, and I liked the fact, it made me more turned knowing we were related. Four months later I was raped by a friend of my mothers. I was too terrified to scream while it was happening, I struggled silently in my own bed against a 29 year old man. I feel like it's my fault and that I wanted it to happen because I came while he was raping me.

I didn't know how to deal with it so I started doing drugs and drinking and smoking. Self harming. Not eating. Running away from home. It really turned my whole world inside out.



I'm now a few months over 18. I've had sexual relationships with my uncle, cousin, and my biological father - my parents split when I was three and hadnt talked to my father since I was four until I found him on Facebook when I turned 17 -. They are all older than me (40s) and we practiced bdsm. I like feeling as if I'm being taken advantage of by someone older than me and I only really get sexually attracted to men I'm related to.






I know it's all very fucked up I just needed to get it off my shoulders.