i've thought about killing myself more times this year than in many other years alive. just ending it. being alone is just too much some times. the past two years rank among the saddest loneliest years of my life, three flaming wreckages of relationships. i lost a three year and a half year relationship, my longest with literally my best friend in the world. a woman who knows more about me than my own family, who's family accepted me as one of their own, and who i was ready to spend the rest of my life with. i truly believe/d her to be my soulmate. i love her and WAS in love with the whole of my being. she's married now, living happily ever after with someone who makes her so happy. it used to kill me to see them so happy, but i'm getting through that. her happiness was all that was ever important to me. whatever. i'm just tired of seeing the women i fell in love with moving on with seemingly no problem, happier with the new men in their life than seemingly they ever were with me. i'm so alone, all i have is work and stories as my distraction from the dark thoughts the ones that tell me how easy it would be to fade away.
i know what your thinking, just find some woman and you won't be lonely even for a few nights. my heart doesn't work like that. it gets attached, and to my knowledge, can't do one night stands. so that just leaves putting myself out there, in another relationship. too risky. get attached as hard as i do, fuck it up, they leave because they don't want to hurt me, or it's no longer fun, or i really don't love them as much as they love me. because let's face it, i've been a shut off emotionless person for 20 years or so as a defense mechanism. that;s been my cycle, and every attempt and different path is a failed one.
i think i was sexually abused as kid and blocked it out. there's this pit inside me that feels like buried memories, only a feeling. i have no proof that this is real, but we attract people like ourselves, right?? well 85% (maybe more) of the women i've been attracted to since i was attracted to girls have revealed themselves to be products of sexual abuse. it's almost like we find each other. digressing to moral; i'm fucked up and most times it ends relationships which is why i'm lonely and a tad suicidal. but i won't go through with it. i have these stories in me. dozens of them that need to get out. i can't do anything until they're out of me. then i'll be empty, then i can go.