Today I've been doing a lot of thinking, I always do, but I felt the urge to write down my thoughts. I lost my virginity. Not to a guy I loved, not to a guy I was in a committed relationship to. A guy who I've been talking to for only a month and am not even confident in how much he likes me. He's a jerk, a player, the worst guy you can ever imagine. Uses girls for sex and doesn't give a shit about their feelings. Not only is he cocky, he acts as if girls are just toys, he can throw them away when he doesn't want them anymore because there are plenty more better looking toys out there. Why did I do it?? I don't know honestly. I don't think I liked him that much personality or look wise. I think I have low self-esteem and when any guy has any interest in me I enjoy the attention. In the aspect of having sex I wanted to get it over with. I wanted to make sure I was normal. The strange thing is I always though my vagina was weird and I've always had trouble with tampons. I know this is the stupidest reason for having sex, and that is why I have told no one. Not even my closest friends the real reason to losing my virginity. I don't understand why guys don't show interest, I don't think I'm unattractive and I am definitely not shy. I'm just not confident in myself and I've never been. I just want to be happy with myself, I want to be strong, and I want someone to love me for me. Maybe it's the fact that I think I'm fat, I walk weird and I can't dance. I wish I could just change those insecurities but I physically cannot. This guy tells me he likes me, but he makes me feel ugly, and that I should be happy that I have him. That he is out of my league. You should never feel like that in a relationship. The fact that he's a good liar scares me and our views on love and relationships are too different. I don't want anything to do with him, and I'm going to break it off. Ill still be his friend, but I know it'll be different. I know I'm not immature; he is the immature one not believing in love. If someone loves you they would do anything imaginable to be with you. Not all guys have urges to hook up with the hottest girl they see. I know he's been through heartbreak but that doesn't mean he can take it out on innocent girls. The worst thing he has said to me was, I've changed, back than to be honest I would have never talked to you. I like you cause of you. But you can't compare yourself cause these girls I dated are super hot, their mom sends them to expensive spas to get beautiful. He meant that in a sincere way, but it was extremely offensive. Girls don't want to hear that, were already insecure enough. He has left girls because they looked ugly without makeup or had a hairy chest. He said he would force a girl to abort his baby, and he has stood four girls up on dates and never even made up an excuse. I ignored this because it was his past. His mentality is the same, he wants to record having sex with the girl that broke his heart and post it to the public to ruin her life, He's sweet sometimes, he told me how could a guy ever leave you your so beautiful?? He always wants to take a picture because he's like my friends don't believe that I'm going out with the hottest Asian. He spent his 21st birthday with me. He never shows public affection, but he held my hand and kissed me in public, That makes me happy, those few moments we have. How he says goodnight love you, how he tries to see me daily even though he said he hates seeing even his girlfriend daily when he has one cause he gets tired of them. How he turns down a lot of girls cause he's talking to me. But I saw his Facebook, which he left logged on my computer. He talks to a lot of girls, not just talks he flirts. This one girl specifically even called him a player because he really is rude but he's trying to say they should go out when he's talking to me. I know were not dating but it kind of hurts. He's crushed my high hopes in relationships and I've cried a lot this past month. I'm beginning to really like him, a lot and it's effecting me in terrible way. I've gave him my virginity, my time, my effort. I thought I could change him. But people can only change so much. The things he says sometimes, like I lied to you on the phone, I was playing video games. But I only came over to have sex. I thought he was joking but now I don't think so. That's messed up and I don't deserve it. A guy should want to spend time with someone they truly like not just on a sexual level. Life is confusing. I don't know how to tell him, he's never rejected and when girls do mean things to him he seeks revenge. I just really want someone there for me. My friends here at school have a guy, who is deeply in love with them. They truly care for one another. Ive never had that and I'm scared I never will. I've never even came close and I feel like the only reason I'm holding on to this guy is because I have no one else and also the fact that I had sex with him. Now my story is. I had sex with a guy I knew for a month but we don't really talk anymore and we never went out. I have no hopes in our relationship. I give up. He's too much of a jerk and if he keeps this up he will die alone without a wife. What kind of person never gets jealous?? He doesn't understand what it means to really like someone. Relationships aren't stupid and finding a girl like me is hard and I hope he realizes what he's lost. That's another sweet thing he does, he tells me how I'm perfect wife material, I have all the right qualities. I'm extremely nice, and if a guy loved me and I loved him I would do anything to the end of the earth to please him. I want that. But right now I don't think it will ever happen. Life is seriously depressing and I've had so much drama happen to me this whole semester. I don't even know who my true friends are. I feel used and a lot of people get on my nerves. I feel lonely a lot but I don't want to see people sometimes, I don't know, I don't think I'm going into a depression, I'm just realizing my true personality. I'm weak, naïve, too kind. That's why I want to be tough, be able to reject people and say no. Set standards for myself. I need help, I feel like I need god in my life. He is the only one who can empower me while I'm at my lowest point. I can't believe I sunk that low to have sex with a jerk. I don't regret it, which worries me. I just can't believe it happened.