Apologies in advance if this is lengthy and jumps around, it's just a lot to write out having to do with a bunch of different things.

I was adopted 7 years after my sister was born and adopted separately. She and I are not blood related. My father used to be active Air Force and we would move around a lot and had a tight nit family unit. My sister and I would look out for each other, sibling shenanigans, all of the normal stuff. About the time that I was 5 or 6 I want to say though I really can't remember specifically, one night when we were having a "sleep over" in her room, I was on the floor in a sleeping bag and she was in her bed. The details leading up to it are hazy at best but the result was her persuading me to "try this". She had me put my head in her crotch and lick her vagina. Obviously I had no concept of it's anatomy, I'm not sure that she did. I didn't like the taste at all and I recognized on some level that this wasn't ok. This was "naughty". After a bit she put my penis into her mouth and I recall that I enjoyed that a lot more, and for a little bit she even guided my penis, as much as it could at least, "into" her vagina. Behind the lips at least so for what it was worth technically we had sex. She became uncomfortable with that part and suggested that I lick her vagina again and I did a few times and then we just went to bed. I stayed in her bed though upon her request. I mentioned the previous night's events to a friend the next day and she quickly emphasized how important it was that nobody ever finds out. It was an isolated even but it was the catalyst for what I will explain in the rest of this post.

We moved to the States in 1995 and in third grade I became unexpected best friends with a kid I knew from Cub Scouts. He and I were a bit different in terms of me being an extrovert and him an introvert, but all the same we hit it off to the point where we were best friends. I couldn't pin point when exactly but likely somewhere between 5th and 7th grade, during a sleep over at my house, as isn't unusual for young/preteen boys, we were talking but had a hand down our own pants. We weren't masturbating, just kind of rubbing ourselves I guess. I developed more of a hard on than not and outside of his view I started to pull my penis down and let it kind of bounce back and hit my stomach and make a smacking noise. After a few times of doing this I asked him if he knew what the noise was and he said no. I said that it was "my dick" and we had an uncomfortable but not exactly awkward laugh. I had received a toy in a kids meal that had a sting you pulled and let go of which made the thing vibrate for a second. I said that I wondered how it felt against my penis, there was most likely some basic discussion about dicks, having them, being hard, and all of that beforehand. So we took turns going into the bathroom and using this vibrating toy on our hard ons. A little while later, during a ride in my family's camper van on our way to Boy Scouts now, we were playing in the back bedding area and for whatever reason the playing included me getting on top of him over blankets and thrusting. And doing it pretty intentionally. Over a bit this developed into an "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" situation and one day we simply took off our pants and looked at each other's erection. We took turns holding each other's penis and rubbing it and stroking it, but not really "jacking it off". It became our thing. It became the reason we would hang out. It was exciting. We knew it "wasn't ok" that it was "naughty" and we enjoyed appreciating each other's hard penis. It ended one day in his closet when he had his mouth open in front of my penis and was giving me the look that said, "we both know that we want this....is this ok??" and it would have been fine and led to 69ing most likely, but at the critical moment his mother walked in. The closet wasn't in direct line with the door so I was able to get it back in my pants and we tried to make an excuse that we lost something. A little while later after our physical explorations had stopped my mother said to me randomly one day that it was natural that young boys are curious and experiment with each other. Of course I dismissed the notion but couldn't help but suspect that my friend's mother was the reason for that comment. Not having a friend to physically enjoy for the sake of physical enjoyment and sexual excitement left a bit of a divot in me and while I identify as straight and have been in a relationship with a girl for 4.5 years now, ever since then I have had some bi/curious interests. I didn't ever find a replacement for my friend though.


So as the years continued and I started to go through puberty and wake up sexually, I would often have fantasies that I wasn't entirely comfortable with. I would frequently fantasize about sexual experiences with my mother, with my father, and sometimes with my sister, though I had pretty much put the experience we had when I was very young out of my head. I developed a physical attraction for unknown reasons towards one of my new closer friends who was a guy. I even would masturbate wearing a pair of his boxers he left at my house. I would occasionally masturbate wearing my mothers underwear. I knew that none of it was "normal" or "ok" but the excitement I got was greater than the concern of it's moral quality. I wanted so desperately to reach out to another male peer and just explore and enjoy each other physically. I wasn't attracted to my friends, I didn't want to date them, I just wanted the excitement and feeling that I was doing something "naughty", which at this point had become a word that was more of a turn on than deterrent. Ultimately however, I was too anxious about screwing up the friendship and kept my mouth shut.

Years later I find myself getting unusually thorough sexual gratification when I masturbate to the now re-awakened memory of my sister molesting me. It turned me on. A lot.

Eventually I begin to date this girl who has allowed me to explore my sexuality quite thoroughly with her and I am so grateful for that. She is open do doing things that I enjoy so much, things that I wouldn't be comfortable discussing with other girls, for example, when I ask she puts her feet on my face and rubs them around as if walking on my face while either blowing me or giving me a hand job or sometimes I finish it off. But it's absolutely amazing and she enjoys exploring that stuff with me. We were friends with a couple though, for a short while at least, who we ended up having a few mutual sexual experiences with. The first time resulted in my awareness that I really enjoy voyeurism from both ends. The second experience was a bit different and I never thought that I would go there let alone enjoy it as much as I did. Long story short, I ended up hooking up with our friend's boyfriend. We played around, made out, and went down on each other. We attempted anal, me into him, but I couldn't keep it up. But I realized something that night, something that I am completely ok with but can't figure out how to continue at all: I'm straight. I do, however, enjoy the physical element of sex and sensuality. I like to get off. I'm now ok with what I get off to because I know that it isn't malicious towards another. Here is the harder part: While I identify as straight, I really enjoy dicks. Not being fucked by a dick, but having one to play with and suck on. I just like it. And I'm ok with it. I enjoy, have fun with, and get some sort of sexual thrill and gratification from playing with a dick that isn't mine.

So currently I still consider myself straight, but I still have fantasies of "physical experiences" with certain male friends. I really wish I had a friend who understood my view and was ok with it. I wish I had a male friend who understood that hooking up, kissing, going down, I can't say I'm into male anal anymore, and simply appreciating each other as objects almost, as a means to an end. A mutual effort that results in a physical release. I don't feel confident that any of the guys I know now are able to do that, and I think that the friendship would be negatively effected if I said anything or suggested something. But sure enough and still I have these random fantasies of me and a guy friend slowly opening up to each other and becoming physically intimate and sensual. Sometimes it is to the point where I will actually go and beat off to that fantasy in a near by bathroom. So that's that.