I hate being a woman. It dames me to all of this.

In my short life I have been raped by 7 different men. No not at the same time. The first was my father. Yes my flesh and blood dad. I know he is a sociopath. The other men that raped me are not sociopaths. I know this because a sociopath will never try to convince anyone that they are a sociopath. A sociopath can not even grasp the concept of what a sociopath actually is. The others are indoctrinated in believing they are. This has caused me to be extremely afraid of the world around me. The things you see on TV and in fantasy porn is not rape. this was a rape video made so other men can jack off to it. because he told me that sex is boring and rape is fun. a adrenaline rush. a real rape video is not like a scary movie that you seams to make you want to giggle. This is a true form of death. Another type of death, your soul. Want to know why it is so easy to hurt a woman's feelings?? Want to know why women are so sensitive?? You now have a small glimpse. The video was put online and to this day, I still have random men recognizing me from the rape video. I was bisexual. Now it has affected me so badly that i cant even have a male friend. The nightmares have never stopped or even let up. I have tried my best to destroy my long term memory and failed. I have changed my appearance the best I can but still see that young child in the videos. The nights I lost my freedom. I lost my sexuality. I lost my smile. I lost privacy. I lost myself and everything that was a part of me, my body and mind. The first time it happened I was a child, and I did what they told me to do. They told me it was my fault because I wore a tank top that showed my arms and he cant help himself. Then they told me to pretend it was nothing and told me I really was handling it well. At that time I had no idea was sex was or what had happened to me. When I became older and had a true understanding. sex was never anything i enjoyed. even when i felt (at the time) that i wanted it. its not something special, its just something to do when you get board or try to stay alive. the pain my memories bring is to much and my mind cant fallow my body. no matter how good it feels. I fell into a depression so deep that I dont even remember anything about that little girl. And I mean everything. i dont even know what my favorite color was. I lost everything. i lost myself. Now after all this time has gone by I realize that being in denial will make you feel better for a bit but thats it. It cant help you get yourself back. not in the slightest. and so i have come to the conclusion there is nothing i can ever do to "handle it well" or escape from imprint of memories on my brain. its time i stop distracting myself with denial and im going to stop trying to survive. this is not living. its only running and i dont have anything more to give. but im going to die the way i want. because its the ONLY choice i have ever had in my life. i have thought it all out, i know exactly how its going to happen and im working hard on getting it all set up. i dont have much time left and all i feel is relief.

I hate being a woman.