Straight Female / 38
I am 38, and I am not married. Along came this man, a widower in his mid fifties, and we became acquainted. His wife was never able to conceive which left him childless. He told me over a period of time that his marriage had been very difficult because of his wife condition, he really didn't even then after he passing forgive her for not bearing him any children. He saw himself growing old and alone. At that time, I was 34 then, I was not in a relationship and I had not yet had children.
One Sunday, we had gone to a brunch at the country club where he was a member, he came out and made me a proposition. He would pay me to have a child for him. He would raise the child, and be its source of support and all I had to do was bear the child. He certainly had the means to support a child, or several for that matter. I laughed as if he was joking, but he wasn't. He offered me money, and as I sat there he upped the amount, until he reached an amount equal to my annual salary. It was then that I asked him if he was serious, which he affirmed. I told him I would think about it.
When I got back to him I told him that if, and it was a big if, if I agreed, I couldn't give the child to him. He would have to support the child, but I was to raise the child. It would be my child, and he would be the father. I emphasized to him that it would be my child. He agreed.
I don't know why I thought of this as being a clinical thing, he would go to a lab and he would donate his sperm and I would be inseminated. That was not his idea. If he was going to be the father, he was going to father the child. In good business like fashion we drew up a set of papers, so much per child, agreement on child support, agreement as to religious upbringing (I am Jewish and this was not negotiable), boys extra and girls fixed price. A business deal.
He was not very nice with me, it was more of a rape than anything else. He was not interested in any discussion, he was paying for it and he was going to take what was his. When you are raped you don't realize it, not when it is happening. It was only later, much later that I really understood what it meant. Inside of me something snapped, something that I had never known about. After he took me that afternoon, he was free to have me at will. What was his was his, as often as he liked. I got pregnant, which was the object of the arrangement, I got pregnant with my first child, and then the second child and then the third child. All this time I lived with him, and as I was the woman I was also the home caretaker, as well as mothering and loving the children.
For five years I lived with him and bore three children. He kept his end of the bargain, he paid for the boys and he paid for the girl. I got to name them, all three of them with Jewish names. I got to raise them, he adapted to how I ran the household. All the time we were together he enforced his rights on me. I came to expect it and worse still to look forward to his assault on me. During those events, nothing was sacred, what was his was his and he made certain that I understood how the relationship worked.
Then, without forewarning, he died of heart attack at work, leaving me with three small children and no means of support. His house belonged to the children, who are all under age, and his life insurance went to them. For me, directly nothing, I was not a wife or had any standing. The cash savings he had he had paid me, which was long gone because I used it to help support the house. My life is quiet now, but there is an emptiness, a hole where there should be none, an empty bed, a fatherless home, and woman without a man.
How his behavior took over my life I am yet to understand. Everything I had been taught about the relationship between a man and a woman was abused to the extreme. And I am left without him, with an emptiness that I cannot fill, for five years I was the woman in the house. Now I am a mother, but there is no man for me to be a woman to.
One Sunday, we had gone to a brunch at the country club where he was a member, he came out and made me a proposition. He would pay me to have a child for him. He would raise the child, and be its source of support and all I had to do was bear the child. He certainly had the means to support a child, or several for that matter. I laughed as if he was joking, but he wasn't. He offered me money, and as I sat there he upped the amount, until he reached an amount equal to my annual salary. It was then that I asked him if he was serious, which he affirmed. I told him I would think about it.
When I got back to him I told him that if, and it was a big if, if I agreed, I couldn't give the child to him. He would have to support the child, but I was to raise the child. It would be my child, and he would be the father. I emphasized to him that it would be my child. He agreed.
I don't know why I thought of this as being a clinical thing, he would go to a lab and he would donate his sperm and I would be inseminated. That was not his idea. If he was going to be the father, he was going to father the child. In good business like fashion we drew up a set of papers, so much per child, agreement on child support, agreement as to religious upbringing (I am Jewish and this was not negotiable), boys extra and girls fixed price. A business deal.
He was not very nice with me, it was more of a rape than anything else. He was not interested in any discussion, he was paying for it and he was going to take what was his. When you are raped you don't realize it, not when it is happening. It was only later, much later that I really understood what it meant. Inside of me something snapped, something that I had never known about. After he took me that afternoon, he was free to have me at will. What was his was his, as often as he liked. I got pregnant, which was the object of the arrangement, I got pregnant with my first child, and then the second child and then the third child. All this time I lived with him, and as I was the woman I was also the home caretaker, as well as mothering and loving the children.
For five years I lived with him and bore three children. He kept his end of the bargain, he paid for the boys and he paid for the girl. I got to name them, all three of them with Jewish names. I got to raise them, he adapted to how I ran the household. All the time we were together he enforced his rights on me. I came to expect it and worse still to look forward to his assault on me. During those events, nothing was sacred, what was his was his and he made certain that I understood how the relationship worked.
Then, without forewarning, he died of heart attack at work, leaving me with three small children and no means of support. His house belonged to the children, who are all under age, and his life insurance went to them. For me, directly nothing, I was not a wife or had any standing. The cash savings he had he had paid me, which was long gone because I used it to help support the house. My life is quiet now, but there is an emptiness, a hole where there should be none, an empty bed, a fatherless home, and woman without a man.
How his behavior took over my life I am yet to understand. Everything I had been taught about the relationship between a man and a woman was abused to the extreme. And I am left without him, with an emptiness that I cannot fill, for five years I was the woman in the house. Now I am a mother, but there is no man for me to be a woman to.
