Bi-Sexual Male / 35
I have a life-long obsession with group sex / swinging / polyamory.
But this is more of a cry for help than a sex story.
(I know that these are never fun to read. Feel free to ignore this post. I just had to write it somewhere.)
I like to think that I'm a good, honest, moral person from a middle-class Midwestern family. I have always wanted to be the 'nice guy,' and have always been positively devoted to the one I'm with. Yet, in the pursuit of my chosen lifestyle, I have been driven to do some terrible things.
My first wife knew I was unhappy, but she wanted more kids, and I was struggling with the reality of being a parent to the one we already had. She knew what I really wanted/needed out of life, but refused to consider it. Her needs were 'normal,' and 'moral,' while mine were 'sick,' or at best, 'frivolous'. There's more to it than this, but in the end, she got what she wanted, and I ended up leaving my pregnant wife.
My second wife preferred to use my hopes/dreams as a method of control. She used to lead me around the Swingers' club by the dick, and let me drool at all the naked bodies that intertwined in a wide variety of pleasurable configurations. But she would never allow anything to happen between us and anyone else that we might meet. She would tell me that it would happen, just as soon as the 'right people' fell out of the sky, like a Red Cross relief pack, but would not lift a finger (or allow me to lift a finger) searching for these mythical 'right people.' In the end, she decided that she needed kids too, and hit me with, "Well, maybe I'll just go off my birth control, and you'll never know.." (This is exactly what my first wife did.) I left her too, before she could make good on that threat.
I love my third and current wife in a way that I wouldn't have thought possible before I met her. When I told her about my obsession, and my past, she didn't condemn me. She didn't see an opportunity to get her hooks into me as deep as possible. She just recognized that I had a need, and tried to help me realize it. Before I knew it, we were having threesomes and foursomes with various friends and acquaintances. I was in my 30's, but I was finally having the sex that I needed.
I felt complete for the first time in my life. I actually cried when my wife and her friend were going down on me together for the first time. (It sounds silly, I know. But it was that important to me, and never really thought it would happen.) But I was also dialing in on the specifics of my sexuality. I discovered that I have some bisexual tendencies, as she was discovering the same thing in herself. And for a brief period, we had the drive, the means, and the opportunity to explore this exciting new vista together.
Its just a memory now, vague and distant, and altogether too brief. None of our partners wanted to do more than play once or twice before they got absorbed in their own lives, found new partners, got busy with their jobs, etc. I found that I got attached to them, and was hurt when they lost touch, or lost interest. We recently had a falling out with a couple who were our best friends, roommates, and play-partners. It was like a very nasty break-up, and now we don't speak anymore. That was months ago, but I still feel hurt and angry over it.
Now, I have great difficulty with friendships and intimacy. I have always naturally wanted to be intimate with my friends, but no one ever reciprocates (or understands) that. I don't want to simply use my friends for sex, but at the same time, if they're not interested in having sex with me/us, then I don't feel like they're really friends. So, all my friendships seem unfulfilling, and making new friends is as frightening as approaching a new romantic interest. So few people share my outlook, that rejection is virtually guaranteed.
I love my wife, but I'm lonely.
I don't want the friends I have, and don't have the friends I want.
I feel guilty for wanting more than I have, when I have so much.
I feel broken for wanting something that no one understands.
I feel self-loathing for the things I've done, in the pursuit of it.
That's all I'm going to say for now. There's much more to it than that, but this post is long enough already, and not as cathartic as I hoped. If any of you, dear readers, has managed to follow this rambling mess, and understands what I'm going through, please drop me a line.
But this is more of a cry for help than a sex story.
(I know that these are never fun to read. Feel free to ignore this post. I just had to write it somewhere.)
I like to think that I'm a good, honest, moral person from a middle-class Midwestern family. I have always wanted to be the 'nice guy,' and have always been positively devoted to the one I'm with. Yet, in the pursuit of my chosen lifestyle, I have been driven to do some terrible things.
My first wife knew I was unhappy, but she wanted more kids, and I was struggling with the reality of being a parent to the one we already had. She knew what I really wanted/needed out of life, but refused to consider it. Her needs were 'normal,' and 'moral,' while mine were 'sick,' or at best, 'frivolous'. There's more to it than this, but in the end, she got what she wanted, and I ended up leaving my pregnant wife.
My second wife preferred to use my hopes/dreams as a method of control. She used to lead me around the Swingers' club by the dick, and let me drool at all the naked bodies that intertwined in a wide variety of pleasurable configurations. But she would never allow anything to happen between us and anyone else that we might meet. She would tell me that it would happen, just as soon as the 'right people' fell out of the sky, like a Red Cross relief pack, but would not lift a finger (or allow me to lift a finger) searching for these mythical 'right people.' In the end, she decided that she needed kids too, and hit me with, "Well, maybe I'll just go off my birth control, and you'll never know.." (This is exactly what my first wife did.) I left her too, before she could make good on that threat.
I love my third and current wife in a way that I wouldn't have thought possible before I met her. When I told her about my obsession, and my past, she didn't condemn me. She didn't see an opportunity to get her hooks into me as deep as possible. She just recognized that I had a need, and tried to help me realize it. Before I knew it, we were having threesomes and foursomes with various friends and acquaintances. I was in my 30's, but I was finally having the sex that I needed.
I felt complete for the first time in my life. I actually cried when my wife and her friend were going down on me together for the first time. (It sounds silly, I know. But it was that important to me, and never really thought it would happen.) But I was also dialing in on the specifics of my sexuality. I discovered that I have some bisexual tendencies, as she was discovering the same thing in herself. And for a brief period, we had the drive, the means, and the opportunity to explore this exciting new vista together.
Its just a memory now, vague and distant, and altogether too brief. None of our partners wanted to do more than play once or twice before they got absorbed in their own lives, found new partners, got busy with their jobs, etc. I found that I got attached to them, and was hurt when they lost touch, or lost interest. We recently had a falling out with a couple who were our best friends, roommates, and play-partners. It was like a very nasty break-up, and now we don't speak anymore. That was months ago, but I still feel hurt and angry over it.
Now, I have great difficulty with friendships and intimacy. I have always naturally wanted to be intimate with my friends, but no one ever reciprocates (or understands) that. I don't want to simply use my friends for sex, but at the same time, if they're not interested in having sex with me/us, then I don't feel like they're really friends. So, all my friendships seem unfulfilling, and making new friends is as frightening as approaching a new romantic interest. So few people share my outlook, that rejection is virtually guaranteed.
I love my wife, but I'm lonely.
I don't want the friends I have, and don't have the friends I want.
I feel guilty for wanting more than I have, when I have so much.
I feel broken for wanting something that no one understands.
I feel self-loathing for the things I've done, in the pursuit of it.
That's all I'm going to say for now. There's much more to it than that, but this post is long enough already, and not as cathartic as I hoped. If any of you, dear readers, has managed to follow this rambling mess, and understands what I'm going through, please drop me a line.
