I miss her, more than i thought i would, at a time i didnt think i would, i feel it in the back of my throat yet no tears come, what does that mean?? She keeps me awake, thats when she comes to me, late at night, when theres no avoiding the crushing weight of my choice. I want her next to me, asleep in my bed, my throat grows tighter yet still no tears, its 3am i want to sleep yet i just want to know shes okay, and that i can make her okay, but i cant, i can never make it okay, all i can do is leave it for someone else to make okay, to clean my mess, to hold her close and make her feel as special as she is, tears begin to roll, not floods just individual ones. I miss her smell so distinct i will always pair it with her for it is her, i miss her smile so bright it could light a room, i miss how she'd do anything for me, the tears feel like acid, burning me like i burnt her, this confession comes to late to make any impact except to show i found my heart to late to give it to her, a girl who ultimately deserved it and more, why i put myself through this i do not know, yet i put her through much worse, through pain more crippling than this and tears greater in number. Id give oh so much to rewind, to take it back, yet i cant, i wish for the impossible yet ultimately i know i could do the impossible, the improbable, yet it is selfish and unfair, i can never be happy with her after making her so unhappy, i can never be worthy of a second chance, i can never take the risk of hurting her again, the tears flow down my cheeks chilling them, they slowly drip until i wipe them away. Sadness like this i have only ever felt with love and with girls, yet this girl truly wanted to be with me and a threw that away due to a childish trait, the pettiness of my action reveals so much about myself, i say i change yet i never do and probably never shall, condemning myself to a lifetime of failed relationships which i regret. Any decrees, pacts or pledges i make now shall be broken like her heart, it is a truly selfish act i committed, making me a truly selfish man not worthy of the happiness in which i bask, a lifetime of solitude may teach me the error of my ways yet a lifetime i have not to give, it is not in my control for i do not have the pleasure of deciding my fate it is shaped by those around me, i shaped her fate, in some form. I wish to conclude this monologue in a suitable fashion yet all i know is i have overcome this sorrow before and have found such brilliant light in which to find comfort, light which i ultimately break and throw away. Like a bulb she shattered into a million pieces beyond repair by me, it is with regret that i inform whoever reads this that i will not have changed, she shall not be mine and i shall have found someone different to bring a fleeting light into my life. Perhaps i only want what i cant have, that childish trait haunts me and will keep me in this cycle. I wish to break free of this cycle and for her to be the one who broke me free, yet that is not how it shall be and i shall for now miss her, want her, perhaps even need her. But for certain be unable to have her, to hold her, to care for her and to kiss her. Its closer to 4am, the tears have stopped and i grow tired, i pray not to dream of her, yet this harsh mirage may be a fitting punishment. I miss her.