It's agonizing to come along 28 years and never have had a girlfriend. The most agonizing thing about it is that I want a girlfriend, but I can't ever do it because of anxiety disorder issues. I'm not unattractive, mean, cowardly, or ignorant. I am very much the opposite of all those. I'm even financially successful, having recently gotten another big promotion in my company. I KNOW I could provide for a girlfriend, and I know I have real gentleman qualities that any reasonable lady would love to have in a lover, and yet, I have zero confidence in myself because of anxiety disorders, the worst of which is Avoidant Personality Disorder.

It's something that people without personality disorders couldn't understand. I KNOW I'm not a bad person, and that I have worth as a human and lover, but I'm still extremely self-conscious.

It causes me to constantly watch every little thing I do around a member of the opposite sex, or either just simply avoid talking to them or being around them out of fear of being disliked. It hurts so bad because I want nothing more than to be close to a special someone for once in my life, but fear won't let me.

Related to that, I've never so much as taken my shirt off in front of a female who isn't in my family. Sex?? I've never had sex once in my 28 years. That is agonizing too. All my childhood friends who I used to play with and joke about girls with, I witnessed grow into puberty and start liking girls, then dating girls, then having sex, marrying girls, and now having actual families of their own. I've seen the complete process with my peers. But I haven't even started the dating part of that process, let alone the sex, marriage or family.

Sex is something I want to experience before I get too old for it to ever even happen. But it's not something I can just go out and find, because of my Anxiety Disorders and Personality Disorders. I'd be terrified to show my naked body in front of a female, let alone perform sexually. Yet it's something I now think about daily. It eats me alive knowing that my best years to experience dating and sex are pretty much at their end, and there's nothing I can do about it because my stupid, warped brain won't allow me to.

It's really terrible now, I'm sure pretty girls are just another thing to most males my age, but my mind can't help but objectify every single attractive female I lay my eyes on. I can barely look at a female without thinking about how beautiful/sexy/cute she is and indulging in really sick, perverted fantasies. I want to be able to look at a woman and see her as a person, not a sex object. To be able to befriend females, not wish that every girl I talk to would be my girlfriend or sex partner. But it's all I can do. I hate it. Every time I leave the house it rips my soul to shreds. I see women I want and desire romantically and sexually, and every night as I get in my lonely bed, I hate myself.

I'm pathetic and sick minded. My brain is trapped and I'll never find someone to fill the void. I disgust myself. I even find myself looking at teenaged girls sometimes, conjuring up perverted fantasies.

The saddest part of all this is that without any romantic or sexual experience, now it's too late for me. I can't begin relationships now, or sex. What girl in her right mind would want some stupid, inexperienced loser for a soul mate?? What girl would like to have sex with a guy who has less experience than most 17 year olds?? I'm scared of both anyway. What if I did get in a relationship?? I'd be so obsessive over it I'd just ruin it. I'd be way too clingy towards my first girlfriend. She'd just hate me anyway.

Dreams and Wishes?? Mine would be to have a special someone, and to finally share my body with a woman. But I'm just so lonely and now I'm certain I'll die lonely. There's no hope for someone like me. With this sick perverted brain of mine, I barely even deserve to call myself a man.