This happened a year ago, but I'm still embarassed. However, I can now see some of the humor in it.
I had been a college student for six years. Not part time. Not off and on, but six full years. This was not because I kept flunking. Rather, I had a 3.93 average. However, I kept oversleeping on registration day and couldn't get the 4 classes I needed to finish my major.
So my dad said that he was giving me one more semester to finish up or I'd have to pay for the rest of my education on my own.
Terrified, I wanted to make sure I got the classes for the following fall semester. The day we returned from spring break, I set up an elaborate system involving nine alarm clocks, phone calls from friends, and an actually escort to the Records and Registration Building. I was not going to oversleep.
I didn't. In fact, I didn't sleep at all. At 7 PM the night before, a friend invited me to her new boyfriend's apartment for dinner. He had several relatives visiting from abroad and they had brought some traditional foods with them.
(Warning: If anyone invites you to sample traditional foods that they smuggled into the country, just say no.)
I ate several dishes of unidentifiable meats and vegetables in spicy sauces. Before long, I felt gassy and crampy. I took a cab back to the dorm and just made it to the bathroom in time. My guts exploded the second my bare ass touched porcelain. It was like shitting liquid fire. For hours, all I could do was hold on, wipe between spurts, and flush periodically. At first, people were
coming in and out of the bathroom, but as the stench grew, I was alone.
Finally, at about 5 Am, I was down to dribbles of a mostly clear fluid with flecks of shit in it. I could leave the bathroom for about 20 minutes at a time. I drank an entire case of individual bottles of gatorade to keep myself hydrated.
At 7 AM, my alarms all went off. Naturally I wasn't asleep, but I couldn't imagine trying to leave the building. In fact, I was too weak.
At 7:30, my friend Sonia stopped by to escort me to the building. She started yelling at me when she saw I was not dressed. I quickly explained the situation. She was not sympathetic. "Shove a tampon up your bunghole and let's get going."
So that's what I did.
Registration opens at 8 AM. Upperclassman can register themselves using special computer terminals. I got into line and was about 30 people from the front when the first cramp hit. I tried to ignore the pains, but soon I was doubled over. People were staring. Sonia came over and helped me stand up straight. I begged her to let me give up, but she told me to hang in there.
I was twenty people from the front when I lost control. I could feel more watery shit making a break for it. The tampon intitally caught it all, but soon I could feel little dribbles down my legs.
People started gagging and complaining. Sonia dragged me forward a few steps but I let loose again. This time, the tampon shot out and it felt like a gallon of liquid gushed out of my ass. I wanted to die.
Instead, I watched as everyone in my line and the lines on either side of me scattered. I was crying from shame as Sonia dragged me to the terminal and made me log in.
I got all my classes, but I didn't think I could ever show my face on campus again. Over the summer, people must have forgotten.
I had been a college student for six years. Not part time. Not off and on, but six full years. This was not because I kept flunking. Rather, I had a 3.93 average. However, I kept oversleeping on registration day and couldn't get the 4 classes I needed to finish my major.
So my dad said that he was giving me one more semester to finish up or I'd have to pay for the rest of my education on my own.
Terrified, I wanted to make sure I got the classes for the following fall semester. The day we returned from spring break, I set up an elaborate system involving nine alarm clocks, phone calls from friends, and an actually escort to the Records and Registration Building. I was not going to oversleep.
I didn't. In fact, I didn't sleep at all. At 7 PM the night before, a friend invited me to her new boyfriend's apartment for dinner. He had several relatives visiting from abroad and they had brought some traditional foods with them.
(Warning: If anyone invites you to sample traditional foods that they smuggled into the country, just say no.)
I ate several dishes of unidentifiable meats and vegetables in spicy sauces. Before long, I felt gassy and crampy. I took a cab back to the dorm and just made it to the bathroom in time. My guts exploded the second my bare ass touched porcelain. It was like shitting liquid fire. For hours, all I could do was hold on, wipe between spurts, and flush periodically. At first, people were
coming in and out of the bathroom, but as the stench grew, I was alone.
Finally, at about 5 Am, I was down to dribbles of a mostly clear fluid with flecks of shit in it. I could leave the bathroom for about 20 minutes at a time. I drank an entire case of individual bottles of gatorade to keep myself hydrated.
At 7 AM, my alarms all went off. Naturally I wasn't asleep, but I couldn't imagine trying to leave the building. In fact, I was too weak.
At 7:30, my friend Sonia stopped by to escort me to the building. She started yelling at me when she saw I was not dressed. I quickly explained the situation. She was not sympathetic. "Shove a tampon up your bunghole and let's get going."
So that's what I did.
Registration opens at 8 AM. Upperclassman can register themselves using special computer terminals. I got into line and was about 30 people from the front when the first cramp hit. I tried to ignore the pains, but soon I was doubled over. People were staring. Sonia came over and helped me stand up straight. I begged her to let me give up, but she told me to hang in there.
I was twenty people from the front when I lost control. I could feel more watery shit making a break for it. The tampon intitally caught it all, but soon I could feel little dribbles down my legs.
People started gagging and complaining. Sonia dragged me forward a few steps but I let loose again. This time, the tampon shot out and it felt like a gallon of liquid gushed out of my ass. I wanted to die.
Instead, I watched as everyone in my line and the lines on either side of me scattered. I was crying from shame as Sonia dragged me to the terminal and made me log in.
I got all my classes, but I didn't think I could ever show my face on campus again. Over the summer, people must have forgotten.
