Okay so im 19. And I've always known I had problems with my sexuality. I have had a whole slew of instances that proved to me I am not sexually healthy or normal. So I thought that writing it all down would help. Well okay so its about my dad. I live witb my mom and my dad at my house, and me and my mom are fine... but like things are fucked between me and my dad. He used to be my favorite parent, I used to not like my mom. I dont even really know what happened. Alot of things from my childhood are really blurry and vague. Its kinda like I traded lives with someone, but anyway. I know me and my dad used to fight all the time. And I would get so mad cause all I wad trying to do was explain myself and he would always yell at me for backtalking, so somewhere along the way, probably around middle school was when I stopped liking him. I cant remember him ever given me emotional support. I cant really r ememeber anyone giving me emotional support. Especially when I was going through my awkward years. My brothers(got three of them) would constantly call me fat and a bum and stuff and try and hurt my feelings, and I didnt feel good about the skin I was in. I cant remember ever feeling good about myself:( anyway. I got my period for the first time when i was 10. It didnt start again for like a year after. I started masturbating when I was 11 like regularly. But I was super ashamed of it. I was paranoid and thought everyone at school would know i did it so I only did it on the weekend. I liked it alot and became very sexual behind closed doors. I would have fantasies about being at parties and being adored by everyone and dance sexy and touch myself and basically be a slut around guys so they'd like me. So this was when I was in middle school. So imagine how it gets. When I got into high school I started smoking weed and drinking. I lost my virginity to a guy who had a girlfriend. Than I had sex with another guy with a girlfriens my second time having sex. I turned emo to fit in. Started getting attention from guys. Still having family problems. Everything was ok till I was like 16. I started dating this guy who lived a ways away from me, and I cheated on him with like 8 different guys on the internet. I would send naked pictures and dirty talk. Then I would talk on the phone to my boyfriend and end up dirty talking and moaning on the phone with him. I always wondered if my parents heard me masturbating. Anyway. I started talking to this older man online and this was when I knew I was into some kinky rough stuff...and I was only 16 ...so we kinda evolved into the daddy baby girl dynamic.and at this time I was smoking alot of weed and just not really caring about other people or myself. So yeah. Im sure I liked it so much cause of the missing affection from my father when I was younger. So we got pretty into that. It was more than jus sex there was feelings there too. But after awhile I realized it wasn't right and kind of stopped talking to that man as much. So yeah. Than I started talking to this other guy named john and he was great. We would talk about our weird problems like the ones I'm talking about now. Anyway. I was still talking to other guys when I was talking to john cause thats just how I did it. I was like 17. And he found out and said he hated me and I knew then I had a problem with sex. So I started going to sex addicts meeting and I was clean for a month. Than something happened and I fell out of it. But I got into good stuff like Buddhism and trying to be good and self help and all that stuff.
But i have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to have sex wiyh my father. Its been like that since I stated the whole daddy baby girl dynamic. When I was around my real dad id get weird thoughts and stuff. I swear I'd catch him looking at my boobs and ass. Enough that id wear baggy clothes to avoid his eye. I would think about having sex witb him and I've masturbated about it alot, and had dreams about it. I really dont know what to do. I know your relationship with you father effects your relationship with other men but how do you fix that. I want to know so I can do it so I don't end up having anyone like my father. The bad part about it is I feel bad for him. I dont know maybe its just me thats fucked. I wish I had a Better life. I just want a normal relationship with my father. I want a father that is successful and doesn't sit around smoking weed and watching tv all day. One that doesn't put my mom down or look at my and isnt so creepy. I dont want sexual feelings about my father. I want to have a healthy sexuality. I dont want my relationship with my father effect my relationships with men. Gah.