Call me R.

Married guy with a lot of shit on his mind. I just turned 36, and the realization that I've reached this age has caused me to look back on my life and do a little reflecting.

I got married young. Make no mistake, I was in love, and still very much am. But occasionally, and especially lately, I look back on my choices and can't help but wonder "what if??" And experience a little bit of regret.

I wonder what it would be been like if I ended up with someone different, or maybe if I would've waited to get married. It wouldn't be so big of a deal if I didn't have several opportunities to do so...

I don't know...maybe I would've ended up with a white or non - black woman. Who knows?? Maybe I would even be a master wordsmith by now...

See, I write poetry. Very adult poetry. And my subject material tends to get me in trouble sometimes. I write about sex...making love...The experiences and feelings involved.

I feel like my current relationship situation holds me back from being all I can be with it. And I enjoy writing a lot. A lot of artists write to incite a certain feeling. I do as well. But it's to make women come. I like to create stories and scenarios that make women tingle. And I feel like my art might have led me to someone that both appreciates and understands how I feel about it.

I'm not sure if I made a mistake or if I need to leave that part of me behind and move on.

I try to find satisfaction by talking to women that appreciate a sensually creative man. Sometimes it works and we talk for a while, but more often than not it leaves me speaking to silence and eager to find another willing woman that makes a good listener.

Word of advice to younger creative minds. Never, EVER put yourself in a position where you're caught between love and your dreams. The outcome could create a mental catastrophe because it's not a decision that human beings are meant to make. At least in my mind.