Hello! My story begins as far back as I can remember... I was about 4-5ish years old. I remember being in my grand-moms house playing with my cousin and one of her friends (The friend being a boy). There was this corner in the back of the house where you could open the door to the room and it would work as sort of a way to hide ourselves, so we did and me and my cousins friend started taking our clothes off to see each-others penises. We never really did anything just look, we ended up getting caught by my grand-mom and she just grabbed my hand pulled my pants back up and took me away. A couple of years later I remember (If I'm not mistaken) my sister and little brother wanting to do sexual stuff to each-other (Me Included) so we did. I remember liking the stuff i did with my brother more than the stuff i did with my sister. I don't think my brother liked it as much as I did but even still we did stuff for about a year or so. I was about 7ish at the time my brother was 3ish i believe. I always liked doing that kind of stuff (Specially with other boys), one time when i was 9 i went over to my cousins house to a party my moms sister was throwing. I remember going to the second floor of the house and staying in my cousins room playing video games with him (My Cousin being 13 years old at the time). After a while of playing video games I sort of dared him to let me touch his penis and he said he dint care so i did. After a while of us just touching each-others penises he layed on his bed and i got on-top of him and started grinding away. I grinded for a while, i was liking it a lot and long behold I felt the incredible urge to pee but at the same time I could not stop grinding because it felt so good. That would be my first ever Orgasm, Only at the time i never really knew what an orgasm was or what i was doing, all I knew is that i liked it and wanted to do it as much as i could. I went over to my cousins again a week later and he took me to this ridge that was above his house, the view was amazing just mesmerizing. We stayed up there and jerked each-other off for a bit then he offered to suck me off so i said yeah, I ended up cumming in his mouth but never really producing any sperm (Or At-least i don't remember), he did however start coughing a bit but i just shrugged it off and we went back into his house. After my cousin this one man stayed over at my house, he was a family friend i believe. This man being in his 20's stayed in my old bedroom while i slept with my mom. I slipped out of bed and went over to the room he was staying over to see what he was doing. He was up just watching TV so I suggested we play some games in the Playstation, he said all-right. After a while of playing video-games I asked him if I could touch his penis, he said he was ok with it so i did. I played with it for a bit and after a while he told me to take off my underwear and get on all fours to show me something so I did. He tried shoving his Dick in my ass but i was too scared t the time and said no so he backed off. After a while I asked him if we could grind our dicks together and he said sure. He got on-top of me and started grinding off, we grinded for a while and just before he came he got off me and came in-front of me and showed me for the first time what Cum looked like and what it was. I never really did Cum off that encounter though but I was impressed that someone so old would be willing to do that kind of stuff with me. I was afraid he might hit me or something when I asked him if I could touch his penis but instead he played with me which made me really happy. I was experimenting at the time and he helped me out a lot, I'm just sad we couldn't do a lot more than just that one day. I dint do any stuff like that for a while with my cousin or that man, neither have i seen my cousin or that man ever since. I remember in second grade there was this boy i sort of had a crush on, i had my game-boy and i let him play it while i touched his penis. I was so naive back then all i did was hold it I never knew that you had to jerk it for the person to feel good. To this day i don't know if he liked it as much as I did or not, we never really did anything in particular I just grabbed his penis a couple of times and he was really hard. I only managed to do that with him like 4 times sadly, years went by and I went to high school. I never really did pay much attention in High School all i know is that i was exited because the boy I liked was going to go to my School (He was supposed to anyways). He never did go to my school and i was a bit sad but i got over it. Years went by and by the time I turned 14 I found myself wanting to experiment again. I wanted to feel the same way I did when i was doing stuff with my cousin. Masturbating just dint cut it for me anymore. I wanted my heart racing, my hands shaking, the inability to control my body because of the pleasure i was feeling. I just wanted to feel that again. So I found myself doing stuff with my nephew, I was 14 he was about 5ish at the time. I started touching his penis and he touched mine. He dint look like he mind doing that kind of stuff with me in fact he was smiling the entire time but at the same time i never really did ask if he was ok with it I just assumed he was. I am not going to go into detail of what I did with him just for the fact that im not proud of it... it was a mistake I made a long time a go one of many, those kinds of mistakes I wish i could give my life to fix. He ended up telling his mom about it by accident and I got in trouble. My family never really scolded me for it just took me to a psychiatrist to talk about what I had done. I never really did like talking to anyone about that specially someone i did not know I felt really uncomfortable. A couple of days later my nephews come visit me and long behold hes not angry at me! I was so worried that I had hurt him or something or that he was angry at me but he just ran to me and gave me a big hug! I was happy! He actually grabbed my dick and smiled at me after he hugged me. I shook his hand off and told him we were never doing that again. A year later I ended up moving to a different state but still kept in touch with my nephews by visiting them yearly. A couple of months passed and all sexual appetite that i had was completely gone. Not to mean i don't enjoy sex or want it but i wasn't as hung on it as i was before. To be honest the closest I've ever been to sex is grinding with my cousin when i was 9 years old that's about it. Ive never done anal. But anyways, back to my point. About 6 years ago I made one of my regrettable mistakes again, one i wish i had never done. I went over to my brothers house for summer and stayed for about 2 weeks. I remember playing hide and seek with my nephews and nieces and one of my youngest nephews (Him being 6 at the time) dint want to play for some reason, im not exactly sure but something was bugging him. Anyways, He dint want to go hide so he just stayed in front of me while I was counting. For some reason, Unknown to me, all of a sudden out of the blue i ask my nephew if i can kiss him. He smiles at me and says yeah, sop i lean over and kiss him in the mouth for a while. After about 30 seconds he sticks his tongue out and after that so do I and I find myself making out with my nephew. After we were done kissing each-other I look at him and we just stare at each-other for a bit and I notice that hes grabbing his crotch area so I ask him if he has a boner and he says yes. After a while we started watching movies in his room me my nieces and my nephews. There are 2 sets of beds I get on the one to the right and my niece and my other nephew get on the one to the left. My 6 year old nephew comes in the room shortly after-wards and gets in the bed i am right next to me under the covers. I ask him if he wants to kiss again he says yes so we start kissing and making out again. After a while I start touching him and he starts touching me. There's more that we did but I don't want to go into detail for the fact that im not proud of what I did. After that happens, me my big brother and my nephews go fishing for a bit in the middle of the night. I remember sitting right next to my nephew and talking to him about the stuff we did if he was ok with it and all. He said he was ok with it and that he wanted to do it some more. I tell him * You Cant tell anyone about this ok?? * and before I even finish the sentence he interrupts me and says * Don't worry, you picked the Chosen one. I wont tell anyone. * I remember thinking that has to be the funniest cutest thing I have ever herd in my life! and it made me really happy for some reason. After that, I go back to where my new home is and don't see him for a couple more months. In-between these months i am petrified. I cannot sleep, I can barely eat, I am always wondering if I hurt him in anyways whatsoever or if i made him do something he never really wanted to do. Even-though i had talked to him previously before leaving and he told me he was ok with it i was still worried. I went back to visit him a couple months later and To my relief... The first thing he does when he sees... He smiles runs over to me and gives me a big hug. I felt such relief that he smiled at me because it meant he was not angry at me. After a while I started talking to him and asked him if he remembers what we did, He says yes he does, I ask him if he was ok with it, he says yeah he was, I asked him if he wants to do it again, he does not respond... He grabs my hand, takes me to his room, turns on the light, and invites me in. I was dying literally laughing and crying from relief. For some reason I was really really happy. Of course I don't go into his room, so if you were expecting more Sorry! :P but anyways i just turn the lights off close the door and tell him later we can do stuff. I had to leave in a couple of hours so I wanted to make it count with him. For some reason I dint want to leave without showing him some affection. So after like an hour and half of my arrival I go to the living room and start playing some game cube with the other kids my oldest niece and my aunt. After a while my nephew comes over and notices the couch were all sitting in is full but one side right next to my aunt but that was on the other side i was sitting in. Instead he sits on the arm rest right next to me. After a while I notice that hes getting close to me, he is leaning towards me and I can assume why. I lean towards him and before long were making out without anyone noticing. After a while all the kids leave including my oldest niece and my aunt so its just me and him. We start making out some more. about 40 minutes later my mom arrives and says we have to go the plane is about to depart. I really, really, REALLY did not want to leave. But i had to, so I got up and headed over to the car. I noticed I left my phone so i went back to go get in and my nephew was right behind me. Before I go back outside again i lean over to him and give him one last kiss. I remember getting to the airport... Walking over those doors... I really dint want to but i had to... when that plane took off.... I felt like something was ripped off my chest... it hurt so bad, but i did not not what or why. A couple months go by and we buy a new house so we are unable to go visit them for a while. In these months... I start to notice something... Something I have never ever noticed before in my life or felt before in my life. I started missing my nephew a lot like more than usual. I started dreaming about him often and in every single dream I always did the same... As soon as i saw him I smiled at him and gave him a big hug. But I also started having nightmares. I felt bad for what I had done even-though my nephews dint hate me and they were fine with it i felt really bad. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat... I had to make things right. But before I did... I noticed something. I noticed that I had fallen In-Love with my nephew. At first I was Rejecting these thoughts and I kept telling myself there is no way that this is possible. After a while of fighting these feelings I Subsided to them and it made me really happy... Finally accepting these feelings made me happy. I had a smile on my face form ear to ear. So after accepting my feelings the first thing I did was come out to my Family as being gay. My mom had known for a while, so did my sister, my little brother doesn't believe im gay for some reason he has it in his mind that once I taste *The Pussy* ill change my mind lol. but anyways, I came out to my family exept my dad. I haven't told him yet because hes a Devouted Christian and im afraid of loosing him. After coming out to my family I... I met someone from half across the world. We became friends really fast and I told her about what had happened and who i was in love with. She lost it... She was more happy for me than i was and she was really hopping things would work out for me. I was really shocked to get that reaction from a complete stranger. So I decided to tell my close friends about it. They all said it was a but fucked up but that they know the type of person i was and they dint mind. I ended up agreeing with myself that i should tell my big brother and his wife about what I had done with their son and how I felt. I told my friends about it... They all threw a fit. They told me I was crazy for wanting to do something like that. They all told me not to do it but at the same time they told me to follow my heart, so I followed my heart. One day I was talking to my oldest niece, we talked frequently over texts and phone calls she even lived with us for a couple of months and I was really close to her, she was one of the first persons I told i was gay. So I start by telling her that I think I love someone and she goes haywire, she wants to know who he is. So i try to tell her... but I cant... I cant find the words... I cant write them down and tell her. So I have my friend tell for me and she does. My niece dint talk to me for about 4 days, I was getting really worried. She finally texts me back and acts like nothing ever happened so i just shrug it off and continue on. About 2 Months later its summer again and I haven't seen my nephew in a really long time and I miss him greatly. Not just him, my dad, my brothers, my other nephews and nieces too. So I talk to my mom into letting me stay over there place for a bit. She agrees Reluctantly. My dad calls me and tells me to be careful... i ask him why??... he says apparently they have some letters I sent my niece telling her of everything that had happened. BTW I forgot to mention I wrote a letter like this one to try and explain to my niece what had happened and how I felt and she wanted to read it so i let her... She dint talk to me for months after that. But anyways, I learn that my niece had shown the letter to my big brother and that he had found out before I could tell him... I remember the day as if it was yesterday... I was about to go out for a jog, my dad calls me as soon as I exit the house and tells me about the letter that they had... I just dropped to my knees... I felt like the whole world was spinning, I felt like I just lost everything, I felt like someone just pulled my guts out. I stayed in the floor for a while i dint even realize how long it was till later (It was about an hour). Months passed... I was... I don't know what I was doing. I changed so much, I don't even recognize myself anymore. I lost all enthusiasm to study, to do anything even to play video games. All I wanted in this world was to make things right even if it costs me my life. After a while my niece starts talking to me again, I never ask her about what happened because i know she will just ignore me again or lie about it. She came over to visit one Christmas and i was happy to see her but even more happy was I to find out that my nephew was doing fine... That he liked Basketball, that he liked to draw. I loved to know more things about him, i was glad he was fine... For a moment there... I smiled and that one moment where I smiled... I was not wearing a mask. Weeks went by and she went back. I haven't seen my nephew in years. I try to stay in touch but they blocked me off everything. The only one that talks to me is my niece. I know what I did was wrong and I am sorry for it, but If I Hadn't said anything in the first place non of this would-have happened... I just felt bad for doing all those things and I wanted to make things right even-though they never knew and would-have never found out about it I just wanted to make things right. Its been so long since I have talked to them, I miss them all greatly especially my nephew. Everyday that goes By i feel a little bit of myself dying. A year and a half ago I attempted suicide 2 times. I guess im not good enough even to end my own life. I believe in God. Not only did God prove to me that he existed but he also did the impossible and granted me one wish. I just wish I could take that wish back and wish all of this away instead. One night at about 3 in the morning I went outside and it was a beautiful full moon. I got to my Knees, Put my hands together, and I begged God to kill me. I always thought of people that committed suicide as cowards... Never did I know that someone can hurt this much... So much it drives them to be begging to die. I am dying slowly each-day. I don't know what to do anymore. I have begged God to kill me 3 times and im still here... Sometimes I wonder if this is my punishment... its a Fitting punishment don't you all agree?? But... That's my Story. Thank you for taking time to read this and I hope your life gets better every-day.