I look back on my life and see the stupid mistakes I made. Loosing my second husband was a mistake, loosing my first husband was pure stupidity.

I had the dream guy that other girls were nuts about. He was the 6-4 ball player with great looks and amazing body. With all that came a kind honest but very sexual man. Although sex was painful for me, I could have stood it for him. Yet I figured he had waited two years for our marriage, sex could be a few times per year experience. My sister and my mother told of sex becoming boring after a short time, I thought I would keep it exciting.
So I started arguments near bed time. I sat up and let him fall to sleep before I went to bed. I fakes sickness and made the pain seem far worse than it was.

He grew tired of this and told me of his intent. I left and went back home. Being a stupid girl at the time, I did not realize home is where he was. He left me there for a week and came for me. It s was a wondrous day for me. He had not forgot me, but told he wanted me to have time to think, as he had taken time to think.

Sex that night hurt and again I did not try for him. I told him to hurry and finish so we could spoon. That turned him off, and he finished inside me. That is something I never liked; that made me mad and spoiled everything.

He put up with me for almost a year after that, when I had enough. He wanted sex far more than I did, So I went back to mom and dads house. He told me to never leave him again, and i did not listen.

He lived at our house for two weeks, no calls no visits. Finally I came to the house and found him gone. When I called him at work, he said he did not love there any more. That I was free to do as I wish. That I had abandon him.

He would find someone else and divorce me. with that he hung up, refused to call me back. I left messages and nothing.
The next year he had me served with divorce papers. That was a sad day for me. I had hired someone to check him out, report back. He had a girl friend just a few months later.

I knew it would not last, he would be back, he would call or ask for me. I was the love of his life.
The next time he and I spoke was at the settlement for the house and property. He told my dad how happy he was now. that he had hopes to have children soon.

his mom and I attended the same church. She gave me reports of his life. He had remarried and bought a new home.
I refused to date until he had his first child. There was hope, he might want me back.

Few years later his mom brought his son to church. A beautiful boy with blond hair and blue eyes, just like his dads eyes.

I nearly killed me self that night taking aspirin. I got sick and it only made my stomach hurt.
Weeks later I accepted a date from a guy at church. he was not what i had, but what I deserved. I had to pay for what i did to him.

Then his little boy was in my Sunday school class. I thought of him as mine for that hour each Sunday. I imagined him calling me mom. Next was his little girl and again i wanted to die.

I married again and i had my son. It nearly killed me and we would have no more. We adopted our beautiful daughter from India. She and my boy is all I have now. I never got over my first husband and he could see this. I finally told him I did not love him, I just did not want to be alone.

I will have my children for life and the memories and the mistakes I made along the way.