Well where should I start. I'm just an average joe who has had some interesting experiences in my life and because of some of these I am plagued with guilt, you see I had a small fling with a women about 9 years ago for about three weeks and I had to end it because of a new job causing me to relocate to a new city. Well here is the real kicker, I was looking her up on Facebook this week and I found her, and OH BOY where to start! I messaged her asking if she was the woman from my past and to no avail no response even two months later nothing. I was able to view some photos and her friends list and a heavy sinking feeling began to sink through my chest, she has two children one still young enough to be in kindergarten and the other about nine years of age so I decided to look through her photos just to see how this woman has changed... and bam! here was a photo of her oldest daughter with her mother looking at me, this little girl looks just like I did as a child. The facial structure, the blond hair, the gray blue eyes, the tooth structure, the ears... I suddenly felt guilt, shame, and hatred for myself. I asked around for her number or at least a mailing address one of my old friends came up with a number for me so I called, it was the number I was looking for but I got the answering machine so I left a message and a contact number where she could contact me. I have received over twenty seven calls from the number but when I pick up all I hear is breathing and silence with the exception of the last two calls all were silent but these two times I could hear a muffled sniffling and crying, I decided to take a step and just throw a few words out there. I said to this women the vary thing I am saying to all of you, I told her that I was sorry if I had caused her any pain, and that I still cared for her and that I never meant to hurt her, I also said that I had visited her old apartment three months after relocating and she had moved and that I have been trying to find her again this whole time.

Amongst the muffled crying and sniffling she finally said something to me and what that was shocked me shook me to the vary core, she said she had lost her job and ended up being evicted from her place and she moved to her mothers temporarily so she could get back on her feet. She proceeded to ask me if I knew she was with child when I left and I replied to her, that I in fact didn't but I do know now again apologizing to her I began to tell her that I felt an unbelievable amount of guilt and anger toward myself not only for not finding her sooner but for causing a little girl to suffer the indignity of not knowing her father. She proceeded to tell me that she was the one who had to explain to this little girl that her daddy ran away or just disappeared from her life, she asked me what happened to the cell phone I had given her a number for and why I didn't keep the number. I explained to her that all calls to that cell would have been long distance due to my phone plan and I couldn't take on the extra financial strain at the time, I also told her I don't blame you if you hate me nor would I blame my daughter if she hated me as well. She told me she needed to let me go and told me she would call me back in a week or two so she could take time to wrap her head around all of this, about a week later I did get a call from her she asked me if we could be friends I told her we could she seemed really happy about this and I was starting to feel this could be my chances to undo the wrongs and get to know my estranged child. Well no more did I think that when I heard a voice in the background say "mom who are you talking to" she replied no one hunny just an old friend who called to see how I'm doing, the voice in the background said "oh well I have homework to do before dinner" and that was the last I heard of her. Her mother told me that she looks just like me and that she just can't bring herself to tell her about me after all this time, I said in reply that she is going to have to tell her some day and that I would really like her to know about me, to know that I didn't mean for her to not know about me. I asked her if she wanted to know my address and if she wanted to meet some time to talk, she said that she would need some time to think about this and told me she needed to start making dinner so she would call me again later.

I waited intently for about a week and a half after that and I finally got a call from her, she said she would like my address so she could mail me photos of my daughter from the years I missed I was over joyed to hear this even though I still knew she was keeping me a secret from my daughter, we ended our call for the time being because she had to take my daughter to soccer. We agreed to meet up when I was in town which happened to be at a local coffee shop I waited there for six hours that night I called the house and only got an answering machine figuring okay she must be on her way I waited two more hours and nothing, I called three more times that night the final time I left a message telling her that I waited for her and I would be in town for two more days if she wanted to setup a new time to meet and that I was staying at a local motel. I left the coffee shop and headed out for a bite to eat and returned to my hotel room for the night, I watched some TV and decided to go to sleep so I would be well rested for the following day just in case she wanted to arrange a meeting again. I was awoken around eight in the morning to the sound of loud pounding, it was the police they asked me if they could talk to me about phone calls I made to someone last night, I told them sure and asked them what the problem was, they told me that the mother of my daughter was reported missing by the babysitter last night and that I was apparently the last known person in contact with her. I told them that I did arrange a meeting at a coffee shop with her and that I waited for hours but she didn't show up, they proceeded to tell me that I was going to have to come to the police station to give a formal statement and that they would have to hold me until things were figured out. I said as they cuffed me wait so if shes not at home and she never met up with me where is she and who is taking care of my daughter. The two cops looked at one another and looked at me again and asked you are the father of the little girl at the house, I said yes but it is complicated they told me to sit and I began to explain everything to them as I have to all of you when I was done they had informed me that my daughter was taken into child services custody because there was no one that they could call to come and get her. They took me to the police station and got a formal statement from me in a small room with me chained to a table that was bolted to the floor, I sat in this room for about nineteen hours before a detective came in and told me something that I didn't want to ever hear, the reason why the mother of my child never met me is because she was hit by a drunk driver that night and was announced DOA when paramedics arrived on scene, he also told me that because I wasn't on the birth certificate that legally I wasn't able to be my daughters legal guardian and that she would remain in the custody of child services until a legally recognized relative could be found.

I called everyone you could imagine trying to set things straight, trying everything I could to ensure my child would have a father who would care for her, I spent my life savings of fifty seven thousand dollars fighting courts for a year and a half trying to claim my daughter as my own. After the court case my lawyer called me about three months later to tell me that my daughters grand parents had taken custody of her and that she was no longer in the care of child services, I was almost ready to jump up and down when he said but there is a problem, I asked what do you mean a problem he proceeded to tell me that the grand parents had been told about me and they have placed a restraining order against me. I sat there feeling my heart sinking into my gut, he told me they don't want you to have contact with your daughter or either one of them directly or indirectly and that the order was taken out for a lengthly period until she was eight teen to be exact. I nearly broke down all I could say to my lawyer was why are they doing this to me this is ridiculous, he just kept saying there is nothing I can do I wish I could but I can't, I asked him in a moment of absolute devastation if that was all he had to tell me. He told me no! you are not allowed to visit or enter the city in which they reside until the order has expired, I lost it I hung the phone up and for a moment I felt as if I could literally kill someone. I know I'm pathetic, I know I sound strange but I'm not giving up ever no matter what and come hell or high water my little girl is going to know who her daddy is.