I want to confess something that I have lived with for years. Since finding various online sites over the last couple of months, I have felt the need to open up, to talk about things that happened to me, and talk about experiences I have dealt with. I would like to make this clear. I don't have any regrets, gross feelings, bad thoughts, or anything like that. I was interested in everything that happened to me, and I was told through the years, talking to one friend who I confide in with everything (for obvious reasons you will read), that no, my sexual fantasies, my fetishes, and my interests have nothing to do with what happened to me when I was little. I think, honestly, it is because I like the physical pleasure, and I like the things that occur during sex, and the different acts that go along with it. She asked me if I thought maybe I was introduced to it "too young" and I said honestly, no, I didn't feel that way. Nor do I still.

When I was 11, I saw my step dad looking at me in a different way. I didn't know what it was. Until about 3 months later, when I was at a friends house, and we caught her mom and dad having sex. She was two years older than me, and already knew about it. She'd told me a couple of stories about kissing boys, about letting them touch her "down there" and things like that. I knew that at my age, I was already growing boobs, and she told me that I was growing faster than most of our friends. When I was in school, I noticed my friends staring at me when I'd change. I didn't know why, until talking to my mom about it.

My step dad would talk to me, joke with me, and things like that. It wasn't anything different from what my friends parents did, even the stuff he'd say or do. One night, I was sitting on his lap, and had just turned 12. I had to wear a bra, as my boobs were getting bigger, and my mom had taken me to the store, and gotten me fitted. I was already growing into them, and a couple months after my birthday, I started getting cramps. A couple weeks later, I had my first period. Told you I was growing up quicker. I found out later, I was one of the youngest to go through that.

About a month after that, I was sitting on his lap. I know it sounds a bit weird, but that's just how it was. He'd tickle me, he'd tease me, he'd wrestle with me and stuff like that. Except this night, I felt something. I looked at him, and his face was kind of red. We were sitting there in the dark, with a blanket around us, and my mom was on the other couch, laying there watching a movie. I felt it again. My step dad kind of looked at me, and asked me if I wanted to move. I told him no. A minute or two later, I remember him slowly guiding his hand down my leg, and moving it slow. It felt kind of creepy, but I didn't know what he was going to do. So I just sat there leaning against him on his lap. And then it moved inside my shorts. I felt him touch my underwear. I kind of jumped but didn't say anything. I felt him poke me again, so I moved a bit sideways. And I felt his hand guide my hand down to his shorts. I looked at him and didn't say anything, until I touched it. I felt it kind of jerk and I pulled my hand back.

After the movie, we didn't say anything. I didn't feel gross, I don't know, because I'd seen what two adults looked like, and the stuff my friends parents did. Well, about two weeks or so later, the same thing happened again. But this time, having talked to my friend, she just shrugged and said he's not your real dad. Why's it a big deal. I mean, you know what he's doing, right? And I said yes. And she said well if you're grossed out, don't do it. If you wanna know, I guess, just kinda let him do something and see. So I just said yeah.

We were under the blanket, leaning against the couch, and I felt him do it again. Slowly. This time, I took his hand, and I put it under my shirt. His eyes got really wide. But he moved it. And I lifted my bra really slowly, and his eyes got wider. He moved his hand again. And then he pushed it slow under my bra, and I felt him rub my boobs. They were pretty big by that time. I felt him touching my nipples and rolling his hand around my boob. I hadn't ever had a guy do anything like that. I'd kissed a couple guys by this time, and one guy tried to put his hand up my shirt but I stopped him.

When my step dad got done doing that, he moved it across and started doing it to my other boob. He was rolling his fingers around, and I felt my body tingle. I didn't know what it was. Until a couple minutes later, when he moved his hands, and they touched my stomach. I kind of moved. He touched again. And then I felt his fingers under the band of my pajamas. I didn't say anything. He moved them farther down, and then I felt him touch me. His eyes got really wide. He leaned in and whispered you have hair? I just nodded yes. Not sure what to say.

I felt him start to touch me slowly. And I didn't move. I don't know why, but I liked how he felt doing that really slow. When he kept going, I felt it getting wet down there, and I didn't know what was going on. I saw his eyes get wide, and his fingers started rubbing. He pulled back a couple minutes later, and stopped that night.

I didn't have a problem with him doing it. I actually thought it felt nice. He wasn't trying to make me do anything I didn't want. I just kind of sat there and let him do it. Until a couple months later.

I had turned 13, and I guess from what my friends said, I looked older than my age. I didn't think anything about it. But one night, we were all in the den, watching a movie. And this had gone on off and on a few times here and there. Until that night, my step dad did it again. This time, having done some things with a couple of guys, and letting them go farther, I knew what it was like. So I let him pursue it. He had his fingers down in my pajama bottoms, and I pushed them farther. His eyes got really wide, and then he pushed farther. I felt them slide in me. Really slow. I heard him gasp. And he kind of jerked back. I put my hand down in my underwear, and I pushed his fingers back against me. They were rubbing my hair. It felt really soft.

I felt him poke my leg. Under the covers, I moved my fingers across his shorts, and I felt him. It was really big. I saw his eyes looking at me. I pulled back his shorts band, and I put my hand down inside his underwear. I touched him, and I felt it. It was big. I'd felt two guys, and they weren't anything like this. Seriously. He just looked at me, and he made a weird noise. I kept doing it. And at one point, he finally stopped me, and pulled my hand back. I know now why, because I felt it sticky. Pre-cum. I think he was going to blow right there on the couch, and was afraid of getting caught.

Well, that's where it stopped for the moment. Until about a month and a half later. When this went farther than I ever imagined. We were on the couch, hanging out with my mom, my little sister, and me and my step dad. And as it'd happened in the past, it started again. Except this time, I'd already had sex. I lost my virginity about a week and a half earlier to a guy friend of mine. He was 16. It wasn't "bad", but would I recommend giving up your v-card at 13? No. I'd say probably not. But it's not like you can go back and fix your past shit anyhow, right?

Well, sitting there on the couch, it started happening. And this time, I'm not sure what prompted it, but my step dad stopped. And he just didn't do anything. I was kind of let down, but I didn't know what to say, so I just let it go. Until about 2 hours later. When my mom was upstairs in bed, and my little sister was in bed. I was in my room, laying under the blankets in the basement. I could hear him coming downstairs. I could tell by the footsteps. He came into my room and looked around. He closed the door. And he said to me "I think we should talk". I wasn't sure why. I thought I was in trouble. My heart was beating really quick. And he said to me "I wanted to talk to you. About you know. The things that have happened" and I just nodded.

He was quiet, and started talking. And told me that he had unnatural feelings for me, and that he felt they were dirty and wrong, and that he felt guilty for doing all of what he had to me. And he asked me how I felt. I was honest, and I said kind of scared, that I really liked it. The talk, about mostly everything, lasted almost two hours. Until he left the room.

About a half hour later, he came downstairs. And we proceeded to talk again. And he asked me about what he'd done. And what I had done. And I told him about my history. I told him about what I'd done. He asked questions. And asked if I liked it. I said yes. He asked about protection. I said yes. Although my mom had put me on birth control to stop the cramps and the pain, the one guy I'd done stuff with, yes, he used a condom, and he even pulled out. My step dad kind of sat there, and asked me if I liked it. I thought that was weird, but I said yes. It felt pretty OK, and he was nice about it, and I liked how it felt.

I looked at him and I asked him about it. I said "is that how it's supposed to be?" and he said no. He told me what normal guys do, how it is, and what kinds of things they say and do. And I don't know what prompted me to ask, but I said "would you do all of those things?" and he said yes. And I just automatically responded "with me?" and he said "excuse me" The talk lasted almost an hour. He went upstairs, came down, went up again, and came down.

I don't know how it prompted it, or what came up to bring up sexual relations, but that night, we crossed the line, and my step dad and I had sex. I had only slept with one guy. Until that night. But we did it while my mom and my little sister were sleeping upstairs in the house. From my memory, it lasted almost an hour and a half. And he made me orgasm. Showed me how to do it. And then when he used a condom on himself, he had an orgasm in it. But he remained inside me.

I have no regrets. I simply and honestly wanted to let him do what he did to me. But the thing is? Through the years, I have honestly compared every man I've slept with and had sexual relations with to him. Because at that age, it was the best experience I had. Through the next 3-4 years of high school, several guys I'd had sex with could come nowhere near comparing to it.

What made it worse, was about two weeks ago, we crossed the line again. Regardless of being married and having kids, we consumated the act by having sex multiple times one evening. The only difference is, me being on birth control and in my mid 20's, I let him orgasm in me. We went through all of the motions, and I felt more intense and more affectionately treated and more emotional than I do having sex with my husband. I'm not sure why

But in confiding to a friend, she said that she thinks it goes back to when I was younger, and I'd done sexual acts as a younger kid, not really knowing what I was doing. I can honestly say that was bullshit. I knew what I was doing, and what I allowed to happen. At no time did anyone "tell me" or "promise me" or anything that I shouldn't do it.

Do I regret having sex with him? Absolutely not. Do I regret cheating on my husband with him? Absolutely not. To this day, sexually he is the best I have ever been with, and I think maybe if it were that way all the time, I would not have such impure and taboo thoughts like I do.