my name is billy...

i come here every day, sometimes two or three times, in between watching porn, and write something. i rarely, if ever, post anything though there are a few of mine scattered here and there. Those few are based on real events and experiences, but embellished to express aspects about myself. Some of this post will be rehashes of what i have already posted, especially the parts that express who i am... because i feel the need to put myself out there, to put out the real me. i don't understand a lot of what drives me, where some of my needs come from... i am a very private person and there are only a handful who know the real me, and even then they only know bits and pieces. i tend to keep everything compartmentalized even when they share a commonalty. i have a number of 'issues', going back to an early age and i am trying to bring them together to understand myself better...

Whether you decide to read this or not doesn't matter to me. Those who do may choose to not believe it, others may be disgusted or repulsed but either way this will be a permanent record of who i am...

i have never fit in, mostly because i just don't think like everyone else. i have always known that my thought processes were askew, that my perspective is 'off'. It seems like no matter what it is i see things differently... maybe it's what my mother used to call 'ginger thinking', the way redheads seem to think oddly, i don't know. i have always been a loner, even as a little kid in the playground. i don't know which came first, being a loner because the other kids shunned me, or being shunned because i am such a loner, but either way the result was that i have never had friends to speak of, never followed a clique or been part of any group. The downside is the loneliness but the other side of that coin is that i have never been influenced by peer pressure or opinion. Everything about me is organic and pure, following my own mind. Right or wrong it is all on me...

i want to start by saying that i have a very high I.Q., testing out in the top 10% of the country... this isn't bragging but maybe helps to understand my thinking. i was reading at college level by 5th grade, and understanding what i was reading with a comprehensiveness beyond college level. i was, and am, a voracious reader. By the time i got tested i had read all the classics... War and Peace, the Idiot, Dante's Inferno, etc. ... and for light reading books by authors like Harold Robbins. It was these latter books that gave me my fist insight on sex. i would at times go through these books and earmark passages that contained sex and then use them as i explored the pleasures of masturbation.

Like i said, i have a very high I.Q., but it is tempered by ADHD and a touch of OCD... coupled with Dyslexia which i learned early on to work around.... and i tend to latch into something and dive into it until i feel i know enough, then i move on to something else. This manifests in a myriad of ways, with many aspects especially with my sexuality when it was first developing. i was enthralled by the sexual descriptions i found in my reading and pursued it with all the enthusiasm of a boy with raging hormones.

i masturbated constantly, easily done because i lacked friends and spent so much time locked away in my room reading. i became obsessed with sex, to the point that everything centered around it. i planned out my day around times i could jerk off. If the family went anywhere i would figure out how i could jack off wherever we went. This led to me sneaking in some stroke time in public restrooms, changing rooms, wherever i had privacy, and where i developed the urge to leave evidence everywhere i go. i never left a stall without my cum running down the wall. i even got to the point where i wouldn't be satisfied unless i left a load somewhere, everywhere i went, even in the bathrooms of neighbors and relatives houses... If you knew me and i have ever been to your house it's a guarantee that somewhere there's a load of my cum where you wont see it, in a clothes hamper, behind the toilet, somewhere.

my compulsive masturbation led to another obsession of mine... public nudity.

The summer between 5th and 6th grade i started smoking pot, which i would get from an older neighbor. i loved the way it made me feel, especially when i masturbated. One night i snuck out of the house to smoke a joint and i was sitting on the front lawn when i got the urge to masturbate. i was about to go back to my room when i got an idea. It was 2am and everyone was asleep... it would be wild to jerk off right there! i pulled down my shirts and started playing with myself...then stripped naked. It was exciting to be out in the open, nude and jerking off and i quickly shot a huge load all over my stomach and chest. i lay there for a few minutes, loving the wickedness of what i had just done and then i got really daring. i grabbed my shirts and tee shirt, then, looking up and down the street began walking down the sidewalk. i loved the feel of the night air on my bare skin and even more, loved the idea that no one knew or suspected that walking past their house, while they slept was a naked boy with cum dripping down his body and a boner... i had another erection before i got past the second house... and i went all the way to the end of the block and back to my front lawn where i jerked off a second time before going to bed.

That night set a precedent for me... every night i snuck out, smoked a joint and walked around the neighborhood naked, but never took anything with me to cover myself, leaving all my clothing in a bush in my front yard. The risk of someone being out, of a car driving by was awesome and i took more and more chances. i would see how far i could get, going into other neighborhoods, even crossing a major highway. i even went to a shopping center and walked across the huge parking lot, with nothing to cover up with or anywhere to hide should a car drive by... it was so thrilling!!! i ended up jerking off in front of a store and shot a huge load all over the front window...

About three weeks after starting this i was passing by a house when i saw a light come on in a window on the side. i looked around, then crept up to it. It had frosted glass but there was a crack in one corner and a small hole. i peeked in to see an older girl in a towel starting a bath. She brushed her short blonde hair then dropped the towel.. giving me my first look at a naked person! She went to the toilet and sat down to pee... she wiped her pussy then stopped the water and got in the tub on her knees and began bathing with a sponge. i was stroking my meat furiously when she looked up, gasped and threw the sponge at the window, scaring me off. i ran out of there as fast as i could, without regard, and got as far away as i could. Out of breath and having lost my buzz i went hone, jerked off and went to bed.

After that i began to actively look for lights on in windows... i really got turned on at watching people in the privacy of their homes. Because of the hour it didn't happen often, but there were a few times i hit paydirt... one night, a few month without seeing anything worthwhile, i peeked through the window of an older couple and saw them fucking! i was looking through a break in the curtains into a bedroom when a naked woman walked in and laid down on the bed and began rubbing her hairy vagina... she called out, what i couldn't really hear but a few seconds later a man walked in. He smiled and pulled down his pajama pants, revealing a cock that, from my limited experience was quite large. He walked up to the woman who say up and took his cock in her mouth. He moved so i couldn't see what she was doing but i had a good idea! After a few minutes he stepped back and revealed his erection which she took hold of as he climbed on top of her. all i could see after that was his ass going up and down, but still i shot a load all over the wall under their window...

That was the only time i ever saw anyone fucking, but there were a few rimes i saw someone masturbate... the first time was when i was walking by a house where a girl from school lived and, because there wasn't a fence between the front and back yards, i saw a light shining on the grass. The girl that lived there was a slight, mousy girl named Linda... she was a brain and acted all prim and proper and i really didn't think i would see anything but i had to look. i crept up to the window, found a gap in the curtains and peered in. She was there, in a robe and carrying something a dark green. She laid down on her bed and opened her robe to reveal she was naked under it, then spread her legs and began rubbing her pussy. It wasn't long before she was writhing and moaning, then she picked up the green object and i saw it was a cucumber! She slid it into her wet pussy and began to furiously fucking herself with it! i was jerking off along with her when she said something... the window was open an inch or so... the name of a male teacher from school! She fucked herself then put the cucumber in her mouth and began sucking and licking it, the whole time saying the teachers name over and over again, before sticking back in her pussy. Right then i shot my load and i must have made a noise because she suddenly sat up, quickly covering herself and looked my way... i took off as fast as i could... i went back a few other times but she always had the window closed and there was a blanket or something covering any openings i might have seen through so i gave up on her... Eventually i saw another girl from school masturbating but it was over just after i started watching...

As the months went by, without seeing anything exciting, i had grown fearless about being naked in public. Even when i overheard my parents talking abut the rumors that there was a Peeping Tom in the neighborhood, i didn't stop. It just made it more thrilling. i went through gates without compunction, went where i wanted, nit caring about getting caught, though i certainly didn't want to... i had a few close calls, once i was walking down a sidewalk and just as i was about to turn down the street a group of kids came from the other direction. i ducked into some bushes in front of a house, barely escaping being seen... one kid did look up but then went back to talking tot his friends... just before they all stopped and sat down, in the yard of the house where i was hiding... and only ten feet away!!! They smoked some weed and hung out for a long time, it was hard to stand there without making a sound or moving but eventually they moved on and i jerked off where they had been sitting.

One day at school i heard a couple guys talking about a sleepover. i knew where they were going to be so that night i went there, naked as usual, and snuck up to the window where they were... there was five of them and when i got there they were all jerking off together! i had never seen another guy masturbate before and was curious if it was the same way i did... kind of wanting to compare cock sizes... i learned that other boys pretty much did it the same as i did, but compared to them i had a smaller cock but much bigger balls... i was fascinated by their sizes, especially one boy, Ray, who had the biggest dick of them all and from what i tell it was exceptional in itself... i watched them stroking their cocks, balls bouncing with every pump of their fist, then one by one they each ejaculated, spurting long streams of pearly white semen. i came with them, spraying my cum all over the wall... it was the most intense orgasm i ever had!!!

During this time i had developed a 'new' way to masturbate we i was in my room at night. i would get stoned and lay on my bed naked and write sexual stories in a spiral notebook i kept locked up and hidden in a chest under my bed. i would strip naked, smoke some weed, then lay down on my bed and write while i rubbed my hard cock on the mattress. At first they were stories involving me having sex with girls from school, but that had grown boring. After watching those other boys jerking off together my stories changed to that kind of scenario, masturbating with another boy, but then it evolved into jerking each other off. i wondered what it would be like to have another guys cock in my had, what it felt like... i wrote page after page about what i thought it would be like, always getting barely a paragraph out before blowing my load, always a huge one...It was all immature stuff, nothing more than jerking off with another boy, but that changed one night when i took a risk at something new.

Wandering around like i did i occasionally would walk through a field behind the houses across the street from my house. It was an area of rolling hills, with mostly dried up weeds where these big oil tanks sat... there was a wide drainage reservoir that ran through it, part of the L.A. river system, with a smaller field on the other side f it and then the main highway to the beach. Across from this smaller field, nestled at the foot of more hills, was a building... one half was a bar called the Bullpen that naked girls, a seedy looking place, and attached to it was an Adult Bookstore... i was only in 7th grade at this time but i took the chance, after standing there trying to get up the nerve night after night... dressed by the way. Finally one night, having just smoked a joint i went into the bookstore... There was a long dark hallway, with protrusions every few feet on both sides, and an opening on the left where i could see racks of magazines and dildos... Through that door was a raised counter and an old man sat there reading a magazine... i could just make out the title 'Tender Young Sluts'... He looked my way and i froze, thinking he would chase me out, but instead he returned to his magazine! i looked down the dark hallway and stepped further in, seeing that the protrusions were in fact viewing ports with coin slots under them... i looked and saw someone standing at one with his face pressed up against the viewing port. i took out the little change i had and dropped the appropriate amount in the closest slot and pressed my eyes to the viewer... and was instantly treated to a slightly overweight girl laying on a bed naked using a dildo between her widespread legs. i watched intently until the viewer went black and dropped in anther coin... the movie took up where it left off but then anther naked girl joined the first...

They kissed, used dildos on each other, then the first girl started licking the other ones pussy... i was mesmerized for sure and then the viewer went black again. i decided to what else there was and moved down to the next one... this time treated to a guy fucking a girl... i moved to another, wanting to see as much as there was to offer and i had watched a couple more of girls and guys when i found one that grabbed me... it was of two naked guys next to a fallen dead tree, standing on a blanket and they were kissing and stroking each others cock... my first thought was excitement that i had found something i didn't think i would, something i was interested in... but then they took it further when one walked over to the tree and the other got on his knees and began sucking his cock!!! i got a weird feeling watching this, a tightness in the pit of my stomach, like i was caught doing something really bad... i dropped in all my coins and watched as the one guy sucked off the other, then let the guy he was sucking blow a load all over his face and lips... my dick was rock hard and i almost didn't hear the sound of heavy breathing next to me. i stepped back to find a short heavyset Hispanic man standing there next to me, grinning and breathing hard. Our eyes met then he looked down at my bulging crotch and i ran out of there, racing across the highway into the darkness.

i stopped then, caught my breath and then, once i was sure he wasn't following me, i stropped off my clothes, spreading them out so i could lay down and jerked off, spewing semen all over myself. i lay there for a long time, thinking, cum running down my sides and then experimentally got some semen on my fingers and took a taste... i had thought about this before but hadn't dared, thinking that was just not done... it was warm and salty and had a biting sharpness to it, and i liked it!!! i lay there, within a stones throw of cars passing by, naked and scooping up as much cum as i could with my fingers then licking my fingers clean... After that night i always licked up my cum, though it took some time before i could lap up the thick pool i would leave dry-humping the bed... but once i took that step i was hooked...

i went back several more times, without incident, though one night there were several men gathered in the very back and i could glimpse of another on his knees... That night i went into the magazine area, again not getting much notice from the old man at the counter... this time deeply into a magazine titled 'High School Lesbos'... i wandered up down the aisles, taking in all the lurid graphic covers until i found one that showed two young guys naked on a couch... i picked out that one and one other, then a straight magazine, putting it on top before pacing them on the counter. The old man didn't look up and he rang them up and put them in a bag. i left quickly, eager to get home and peruse my acquisitions... Stripping naked for the walk across the field, always leaving my shoes on... the entire time sporting an erection like none i had ever had before...




to be continued....