I guess this is kind of sick.

My friend Stephanie and I were lamenting our bad luck with men. We had friends but not man in our life. I confessed to her that for about the last three years I has been masturbating a lot and I spent a lot of time with porn. I didn't tell her all this, I just told her that I masturbated and looked at porn. I didn't tell her what I do.

At first I looked at beautiful girls and worshiped their bodies. I will say that when you see so many naked women you start to pay attention real carefully to what is real and what is not.

At some point I got tired of what wasn't real, all the airbrushed, perfectly tanned, obviously posed models. I also confess that I had by then gotten pretty infatuated with vaginas and not just breasts. For breasts I like breasts like mine, breasts that you just want to grab and big nipples. For vaginas I like big enough lips and certainly some pubes covering them. I searched for those pictures and videos, and I didn't want to see models. Of course this was a fruitless effort.

Along the way I saw this video of a Chinese girl that was stripped and beat up. This was a while ago and then I never found the video again.

But searching I found all kind of websites about abuse and humiliation. I know they are pretty much fake, except for a few of real killings. I masturbated daily to these videos of gagging crying humiliated women and I would imagine them being drug out of their houses or cars and being abused and r**ed.

I got frustrated or just terribly horny and I wanted the real thing. I practiced with all kind of objects and dildos, I wanted to makes sure that no matter what fucked me I would be able to take it, vaginally, analy or deep throat. I got to the point where I could take a fair sized dildo down my throat and not gag. I had inserted a large inch diameter dildo up my rectum. In the wee hours I would go outside of my apartment naked and walk around and then back inside. I was totally ready to get beat up and r**ed.

The first night I went out it was raining and very dark, I went down to this black part of town, and stood outside this gas station but no one came up to me. I spent all night looking for a place where I would get r**ed. When I went back home I was so frustrated I rammed the biggest dildo I had in me and fucked myself until I hurt so bad I had to stop.

I frequented bars, I had guys offer me drinks, I had a couple offer to take me outside but no r**e, nothing even close. I began to wonder if it would ever happen.

The night it happened I was in Miami for a work conference, and I took a cab to a club and late after the club closed I looked for a cab to get me back to my hotel. I wandered down the street and was r**ed, in an empty garage, by this fat half drunk man, my face was badly scr**ed because he shoved me down into the concrete, my knees were scr**ed up, my hands hurt from being shoved down, but my pussy was so wet that I hardly felt him when he fucked me, I managed to turn over under him so he fucked me face forward and I felt when he came. He got off of me and spat on my face and then on my pussy and left. I lay on the floor of the garage spread open for the longest time, until I finally got up and found a gas station and cleaned up and called a cab to get me back to the hotel.

The next three weeks were anxiously as I waited to see if he had gotten me pregnant. I didn't use any of the articles on the market to test, I wanted to see if I got my period. When my period came, I was disappointed. I waited for my second period before I admitted to myself that I had failed to conceive.

I am waiting for my second experience. I want it so bad that it hurts when I come home with nothing to show for my time out.