[Not about sex]

I was going to write this long desperate need for pills because that's all that makes me happy, but I don't think anyone would have read it so I have something else for confession, I guess.

I miss mother. She isn't dead, she isn't missing. She just hates me. When I was a toddler I remember being m****ted by one of her friends' son. His name was Tony and he used to be my friend. We always played around and my mom and his mom didn't mind that we would always play around. I think he is three or four years older than me [I don't really know]. He messed me up that day. Not by touching me, but my best friend- his cousin- she caught him m****ting me, but she was just a kid, too so she just ran out and told. She spoke in Spanish and I couldn't understand it at the time now knowing she said, "He's touching her, Titi." (or something close). My mom came in and he said to her, "She's naked. She got undressed." He said it was my fault. As a kid I was afraid of everything always thinking someone was out to get me so I never spoke.

My mom took me upstairs to our apartment and she took a belt to my behind. She just kept swinging and swinging. To this day I don't wear belts no matter how much I need one I would rather be pantsed than to touch a belt. Any time my mother would beat me she wouldn't just give a spanking she would beat me up. I later learned she, too, has psychological issues, but she's also just an asshole.

I miss her. I always end up going back to her. I'm 21 years old and when I was 18 she kicked me out. It wasn't the first time she did so, but I made sure it was her last. No matter what I did for this woman... she would make things my fault. She would accuse me of any and everything. When I was turning ten I believe a day or two before my tenth birthday, my uncle had given me ten dollars because he wasn't going to be there for me. I spent five and then my ink pen exploded in my pocket- it was blue- I gave it to my younger brother and he went to the school store and they took it happily and gave him five dollars in change which he was happy about (haha) and my mom saw the change when we got to the babysitter's that day and I was so afraid of her that I couldn't speak. I couldn't remember where I got the money from. I couldn't react. She punched me in the nose... one time. The babysitter's daughter (in her 20's at the time) just watched. Because where I'm from you don't get involved in family affairs no matter what. Because of that punch I began having chronic nosebleeds and lied to the doctors and nurses about why my nose bled so much. They always told me there was nothing wrong and that I was just picking my nose or it was just too hot, but I know what was wrong.

Yesterday (now being 21) after all of the things that happened between my mother I got an email from the school about my mother needing to sign some forms (because I'm under 24 I'm not considered independent just because I don't live with her- which I don't understand). I had emailed about switching from being online to being on campus to make it a little easier for myself. And they said she needed to fill out the forms for me because they were not processed or something due to missing signatures. And I just cried. I didn't cry because I miss her. I cried because I can't get away from her. I can't succeed. I can't breathe because just when I think I can get away from her... there she is without being there. I cried and I cried and I cried and while I was crying I was longing for my mother to hug me because I was crying and then I cried harder when I remembered she was the reason I was crying. My life isn't the worse and there are much worse things that have happened to me than what I mentioned, but that stupid bond between mother and child is there. And I hate it. I've wanted to die for a long time because I can't get away from her, mentally. And I feel so stuck. I feel so gone. I don't want to be here. Alive, I don't want to be alive. I'm not going to do anything to myself so please don't send any links to suicide prevention. I talk to them often. I just... I'm tired of living life the way I live my life. I don't actually live, I just exist to be unseen. I'm always alone. And I hate it. I hate a lot of things. I guess I'll stop here, it feels I'm complaining now.