Transsexual Female / 42
I cry when I watch porn because I want to be /her/ so much it hurts, but I was born wrong, missing that one little half a chromosome.
I keep watching because I love seeing beautiful girls having sexy fun. Just seeing breasts makes me feel better. Happier, calmer, more at peace. Just better. And even better if it's not just the breasts, but the whole beautiful, natural form. The smooth soft curves, in pleasing proportions, the grace and the femininity. I want to /be/ her, but I also want to /do/ her. Just... not with a penis.
For so long, I thought the fact that I liked girls and I had a penis meant I was straight. It just doesn't. I wish it did, but I was never any good at being a boy and I never wanted to be a man. I'm supposed to be a woman. I can't stand cameras or mirrors because they lie. That's not me.
Once I finally realized that there was this other possibility, that maybe both my sex and my gender were wrong, but not cancelling out like a double negative, I started considering what I would think of men if I really was a woman. I found myself imagining being the girl in the /straight/ porn, too. I liked it. I definitely prefer girls, but yes, I want to try doing what she's doing, and I want to feel what she's feeling, and I want to be /taken/ and /handled/ like that, just because I'm so sexy I make him /need/ it as much as I do. That's never going to happen, and it hurts.
I'm not a virgin, technically. Empirically, objectively, I know I had sex a few times in college. It suppose I liked it at the time, but that was lifetimes ago. I'm not that person any more. I haven't had sex in over 20 years. I don't remember what it was like, and I don't want to find out now, not this way. I hardly even masturbate any more. I leave the porn playing and just listen and half watch it while I'm doing other things. Masturbation is pointless. Sure, it feels exciting, but it also feels so wrong it's almost counterproductive. Not "morally" wrong. It's incorrect. These are the wrong parts. This junk doesn't belong here. This thing isn't mine. And the orgasm is invariably disappointing and depressing. So even when the porn turns me on enough to need to touch myself, most of the time I don't finish. I have to force myself to do it once in a while just to keep the overflow from making a sticky mess in the bed.
Even if I could afford a surgical solution financially, and there's no chance of that, I still couldn't afford it socially. I know my family wouldn't understand. My mother and at least some of my friends would try to be supportive, I'm sure, but they wouldn't understand. I don't know anyone who would. And it still wouldn't make me a real woman. Nothing can. It would make me something in-between that just isn't accepted anywhere, if anyone ever found out. Even most of the LGBT community has trouble with the idea of transgender lesbians. You'll note that the "gender" selector here doesn't even know that's an option.
I've never told anyone about any of this. I've never said it out loud. I've never even typed it all out before. As much as I loathe my reality, I'm terrified of how much worse it could be. I don't know if I can even go through with posting this. Is there even anything anonymous enough to admit how thoroughly broken I am? How can I be honest with anyone about how much I hate being this thing they think is me?
So I accept that I'll never have sex, but I keep watching porn, sometimes the emotional stuff and sometimes the vigorous action, because they're both bittersweet. I still like it, it still looks so good, even if I know I can never experience that myself any more than movies about fairies and magic and starships and catgirls and whatnot. And sometimes I cry because I want to be her so bad, and I just can't, and I want to do her too, and I just can't.
The next time you ask yourself why the freaks and losers and pervs and traps sit in their mother's basement, eating Cheetos and role-playing girls in online games, think about this one. Maybe for a few of them, that's the closest they'll ever get to ever being who they really are in their hidden, secret heart.
I keep watching because I love seeing beautiful girls having sexy fun. Just seeing breasts makes me feel better. Happier, calmer, more at peace. Just better. And even better if it's not just the breasts, but the whole beautiful, natural form. The smooth soft curves, in pleasing proportions, the grace and the femininity. I want to /be/ her, but I also want to /do/ her. Just... not with a penis.
For so long, I thought the fact that I liked girls and I had a penis meant I was straight. It just doesn't. I wish it did, but I was never any good at being a boy and I never wanted to be a man. I'm supposed to be a woman. I can't stand cameras or mirrors because they lie. That's not me.
Once I finally realized that there was this other possibility, that maybe both my sex and my gender were wrong, but not cancelling out like a double negative, I started considering what I would think of men if I really was a woman. I found myself imagining being the girl in the /straight/ porn, too. I liked it. I definitely prefer girls, but yes, I want to try doing what she's doing, and I want to feel what she's feeling, and I want to be /taken/ and /handled/ like that, just because I'm so sexy I make him /need/ it as much as I do. That's never going to happen, and it hurts.
I'm not a virgin, technically. Empirically, objectively, I know I had sex a few times in college. It suppose I liked it at the time, but that was lifetimes ago. I'm not that person any more. I haven't had sex in over 20 years. I don't remember what it was like, and I don't want to find out now, not this way. I hardly even masturbate any more. I leave the porn playing and just listen and half watch it while I'm doing other things. Masturbation is pointless. Sure, it feels exciting, but it also feels so wrong it's almost counterproductive. Not "morally" wrong. It's incorrect. These are the wrong parts. This junk doesn't belong here. This thing isn't mine. And the orgasm is invariably disappointing and depressing. So even when the porn turns me on enough to need to touch myself, most of the time I don't finish. I have to force myself to do it once in a while just to keep the overflow from making a sticky mess in the bed.
Even if I could afford a surgical solution financially, and there's no chance of that, I still couldn't afford it socially. I know my family wouldn't understand. My mother and at least some of my friends would try to be supportive, I'm sure, but they wouldn't understand. I don't know anyone who would. And it still wouldn't make me a real woman. Nothing can. It would make me something in-between that just isn't accepted anywhere, if anyone ever found out. Even most of the LGBT community has trouble with the idea of transgender lesbians. You'll note that the "gender" selector here doesn't even know that's an option.
I've never told anyone about any of this. I've never said it out loud. I've never even typed it all out before. As much as I loathe my reality, I'm terrified of how much worse it could be. I don't know if I can even go through with posting this. Is there even anything anonymous enough to admit how thoroughly broken I am? How can I be honest with anyone about how much I hate being this thing they think is me?
So I accept that I'll never have sex, but I keep watching porn, sometimes the emotional stuff and sometimes the vigorous action, because they're both bittersweet. I still like it, it still looks so good, even if I know I can never experience that myself any more than movies about fairies and magic and starships and catgirls and whatnot. And sometimes I cry because I want to be her so bad, and I just can't, and I want to do her too, and I just can't.
The next time you ask yourself why the freaks and losers and pervs and traps sit in their mother's basement, eating Cheetos and role-playing girls in online games, think about this one. Maybe for a few of them, that's the closest they'll ever get to ever being who they really are in their hidden, secret heart.
